The Adventures of Adoption and Parenthood

Before I had kids, I didn't know there was a such a thing non-neuro-typical. I had no idea it would be this hard. I had no idea that being a mom was so heartbreaking so consistently. I had no idea that being a mom could be so soul-sucking. I knew about the love, but had no idea how overpowering it is. I had no idea I would want to hold my children as closely as possible while desperate to push them away. I didn't understand that children of deep trauma talked from the time they woke up until they fell asleep and sometimes in their sleep. I didn't understand that my own desperate need for quiet and solitude would get more intense the more they talked. I didn't understand that perfectionism is a diagnosable thing and that every medical professional and teacher would talk to me about it as though I could somehow make it stop. I didn't understand how many meetings with teachers I would have to have just to explain my children to them. I didn't know t...

By now, you know that I took Prima on a four day trip to San Diego and filled up our love buckets to the brim. It was a bit of a respite from our everyday worries. Now, we are back and reality is still there. Segunda is sick. She is coughing incessantly to the point of vomiting and she has a low grade fever. And I just want somebody else to come and take care of it for me. Husband is away on business. I have to get to work, and the second she gets sick, panic sets in about my job. Will I lose it if I have to stay home with her because I just took 3 days off of work? She's been sick for 6 days. When do we see a doctor? Why can't she stay healthy for longer than a few days? I've been back for a little over 24 hours and I'm already a panicked, tearful, frustrated mess. I don't know what to do for her. I don't know how to make her well. But I got to have a respite from it all. Segunda doesn't get a respite. She lives her life 24 hours a day. She never gets a...

Voldemort splits his soul into 7 pieces and puts them in horcruxes so that he can live forever. But the damage is done. He is only 1/7 of a person and is barely alive. Maybe this is a pity party, maybe it's nerves, maybe it's anxiety, but I feel like I have been divided into many pieces. Just hanging on, clinging to reality and hoping I get it all right somehow. I've posted in some groups on Facebook about the struggle we are having involving our oldest, Prima. And the moms have helped me and supported me. I guess I just need more shoring up, so I'm putting it here too.  Prima is almost 9 years old and never wanted a little sister. There are so many sweet moments with the two of them, I can't keep track. They build forts together, they play Pokemon together, they watch tv together, they build Legos together. And yet, Prima heaps vitriol on her sister in great big buckets of hate. And she heaps vitriol on me. Segunda is having a big surgery on Monday and it in...

Men are dropping like flies. Powerful men. Sinking like Jimmy Hoffa in cement boots. Men are scared. Can I complement a woman? Can I talk to a woman? What is it safe to say? What if I want to ask her out? Can I do that? Pardon us when we don't have much sympathy for your plight. Women have been living this life for millennia. We have been sold into marriage at incredibly young ages. We have been sex slaves. We have been forced to have babies by the men who bought us. We have been forced to abort babies by the men who bought us. We have been beaten and told to obey. We have died in child birth. We have died from abuse. We have lived through forced marriages. We have lived through rapes. We survived the sex trade. We have lived through childbirth. We have lived with barren wombs. We have been the fodder for men's wet dreams. We have been gawked at. We have been groped. We have been harassed. We have been objectified. Women are kept in a constant state of fear. Be aware of you...

Prima: Mom, you have told me this before and I didn't really listen. But I learned that when I stop being mean to Segunda and do nice things for her I feel really good. Me: What makes you say that? Prima: Well, you know how I was nice to her most of the weekend right? And then I started flicking her and noticed that I started to feel really bad. Then when I stopped something wonderful happened. Me: Wow. What happened? Prima: I started to feel good about myself and I started to feel like I was a good person. Me: That's really impressive Prima. That's great personal growth. You know something. I really admire you and look up to you. Prima: I'm supposed to admire you. Me: Well, there is no rule that you have to admire your parents. But it can go both ways. You are a really good person and you very often make really wise decisions. You have amazing self control and you think about others a lot. You pay attention to how you feel in situations and you learn from it. ...

My babies have been very clingy lately. I understand why Prima is - her Gotcha Day is November 22. This is always a rocky time of year for our girl. She came to us quiet and watchful. Immediately after her first bottle with us, and a lullaby, she went to sleep and slept through the night. She retreated to sleep a lot in the first days. She is quick to cry right now and needs me to hold her a lot. I took her to breakfast yesterday just the two of us. And there we were in line: me with a 54 pound 8-year old on my hip and she was very relaxed as I held her in that line. Her teacher says that she is very kind to her classmates. There is a child in her class on the autism spectrum and she just quietly helps him with his daily agenda. The teacher says it was so sly that she had no idea who was doing it. She finally asked him and Prima fessed up. Her teacher said she is helping him for the all the right reasons and none of them are for accolades. Although I'm giving her some right here ...

When you decide to adopt a child in the state of Colorado (and I think the Hague now requires it too) you have to take a certain number of training classes. We took more than the required amount so that we were prepared for our baby to struggle to attach, prepared for her to have public meltdowns, prepared to help her navigate the world of racism and injustice ... but you know what? No amount of classes or books really prepares you for what you may face. I was not prepared for the anxiety my 8-year old faces every day. I was not prepared for the endless verbal loops she gets in - it's like her brain is on a hamster wheel. I was not prepared for her perfectionism. I was not prepared for her to take every thing so seriously. If I have to hear one more time about the kid who told her "zero voices" in the hall at school somewhere around mid-year, my head just might explode. I was not prepared for her to feel three years later that her little sister is "ruining my life....

Parenting as an adoptive mother is an awesome responsibility. It’s not just society looking over my shoulder. I have women half a world away who will be keenly interested in the well being of their children. I feel the never ceasing weight of parenting another woman’s child, and the weight of my own measureless love for my children. My daughters are mine through and through, but they were born to other women. This comes with an undeniable compulsion to do everything right. My entire body is a taut guitar string just waiting to snap. Everyday I hold them, nurture them, go to work, cook, and tuck them in at night. There is often an overwhelming sense of frustration that I’m somehow messing it up. When they scream at me that they won’t eat and I remove them from the room, I ask myself is this right? Is it okay to remove them from the table? Is this attachment parenting ? When I get calls from the school that one had a 45 minute meltdown and they didn’t know what to do, the pressure b...

On Monday, I took the kids to the gym after work and school and I walked around the track for 25 minutes, then did some arm machines. My goal here is to increase stamina and be healthy enough to help Segunda as she gets older and needs help with some physical activities. I did okay. We came home to a crockpot pork chop dinner for which husband made spaghetti. Normal night after that of homework, bedtime reading, injection for Segunda, etc. Tonight, I went back to the gym after work and school and I walked around the track for ... 20 minutes. Less time than Monday. As I walked the track, staring at myself in the mirror, I took stock of the pain and where it was coming from. I watched my ever-widening thighs approach themselves in the mirror before rounding the track away from the mirror, my "workout" pants stretched taut over them. My hips were aching but it felt a little like sore muscles, so I soldiered on. Oddly my shoulders began to hurt. I made sure they were down...

Motherhood is a lonely business. Your babies want you when they are hurting. They want you when they are hungry. They want you when they are tired. They want you when they are angry. You're their source of succor. You're probably your partner's source of succor too. And some of you, like me, serve that role at work also and for many of your friends. It is my greatest desire to make a helpful difference in everyone's lives. I'm exhausted and I'm lonely. After the lights are out, I lay in my bed, with my kids sleeping beside me, watching Gilmore Girls on my tiny iPhone screen just trying to get a little bit of relief from the daily duties that are sometimes drudgery, sometimes frustrating, sometimes painful. At lunch during the week, I juggle calendars and create "to do" lists and "don't forget" lists. Register Segunda for kindergarten, put Prima's sparring bag in the car (don't forget the bo staff), whoops Segunda has swimm...

Yesterday, as I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed a voter for the President-Elect told those who didn't vote for him to "suck it up and put away your safety pins." Well, I ask you, if the claim is that the President-Elect is not racist or xenophobic, as many of his supporters claim, and the majority of his supporters aren't either, as they claim, then why aren't they too wearing safety pins. There are people in this country who are very afraid. They have brown skin. Their children are being bullied in the schoolyard. White men are shouting at them in the streets. They are being beaten. They are being molested. They are told to go back where they came from. Hate crimes are up. There are people in this country who are very afraid. They are disabled. There are members of the President-Elect's cabinet who have been quoted as saying that the problem with American education is that the disabled go to school. They are treated as sub-human. Hate crime...

*** Spoiler Alert - I may give away some things, so don't read if you haven't watched *** The new show on NBC, This is Us, is resonating with the adoption community, particularly those families who are transracial.  In the last 2 episodes, Randall, the adopted black son who completes the "triplets" in the family, discovers that his mother knew his birth father since the day she left the hospital. Randall struggles mightily with this knowledge and his identity as a result. The show focuses on Randall's struggles and just touches on his mother's agony. It's clear that she was wrong from the outset. And there is very little sympathy spared for her in the show. It's Randall we are worried about. Last night I laid in bed in a puddle of tears as I watched the latest episode where Randall works through his feelings as best as he can with the help of a trippy mushroom shake. We see his memories of his dad working so hard to give him the foundation he ne...

Dear Elected Officials: I write to you today with growing concern over the talks of repealing the Affordable Care Act. There is no doubt that some things with the law are not working as intended, but there are many things that are working in the law. A repeal would hurt millions of working Americans financially and medically. Medical care is expensive even with the Affordable Care Act, but a repeal would make it wholly unaffordable for millions. Families would be forced to make the difficult decisions between putting food on the table or purchasing much needed medicines; going to the doctor or paying the rent. Millions will literally risk deteriorating health conditions because they have to keep a roof over their heads and food in their children’s bellies.  Juliana at age 18 months I want to tell you a story about my youngest child. Her name is Juliana and she is 4 years old. My husband and I adopted her from China when she was 20 months old.  At that age, she c...

It took me a long time to figure out that I was a special needs parent. I don't know if it was denial or if I just felt that my kids's collective issues didn't really count because my friends with special needs kids seem to have much more severe needs than mine. But it dawned on me in the last few days that I am a special needs parent. And a certain amount of grief goes along with that. Not for me. It's not a pity party kind of thing. But as you watch your kids list of special needs grow and grow and the list of their medical professionals grow and grow and the daily diary you track of various things grow and grow, you wonder when it will stop. When will they stabilize? When will the list of growing symptoms stop? When will the puzzle begin to come together? How much more pain does my child have to go through? Segunda, as you know if you follow this blog, has Hypophosphatasia, which is a metabolic bone disease. It's progressive. Her symptoms are: Curved long bo...

The Cost of Medical Care is many-fold isn't it? It's not just what you shell out of your bank account. It's the hours and hours spent working with billing offices and insurance companies and third party advocates. It's the upset stomach and splitting headache when you take another call from another physician's office asking for another evaluation for your child or your spouse or you and knowing that you have to put on your boxing gloves and head to the mattresses. It's hours and hours and days and days of missed work to shuttle your child, spouse or you to the appointments they have. Our youngest child has two rare bone diseases. One of them affects her metabolic system as well as her bones. This disease is called hypophosphatasia. We have learned about it little by little because it is very rare. Mostly what we have learned has been anecdotal from the amazing patient community who so willingly shares their experiences with the disease and the burgeoning tr...

3:47 a.m. Segunda starts in with the sugar vomits. I grab her and fly out of bed and we make it to the toilet. There she stands hugging the bowl, hair in her face, vomiting up bile. "Mama, my hair all wet." I wiped her face with a wet cloth and held her hair out of her face until she was done. "Sorry, Mama." Do you want to feel small? Listen to your toddler apologize to you for throwing up. It is disconcerting to stand over your 3, almost 4, year old holding her hair like she is a drunken sorority girl in the wee hours of the morning. "Mama, my belly button hurt." "Are you hungry?" Nods head. We headed downstairs where she took baby sips of Glucerna and ate two teensy bites of dry toast. She promptly threw up again. "Mama, want go up tayahs." Husband laid out a beach towel on the bed just in case. She threw up one more time in the toilet and then slept for an hour and a half. Meanwhile, I laid in bed and cried and cried an...

There are advantages to waiting to have kids until you are older. You can afford all of the lessons that they want. You can go on vacation. You can contribute to your 401(k). And if you're really lucky, you can save for your kids to go to college. Before I launch into the downsides, I have to apologize for all of this. I feel guilty even having problems with what is going on in the world and in particularly the US. It's appalling. So, I'm sorry. But here goes ... Having kids when you are older means that you go through perimenopause when your youngest child is a toddler. Having a threenager and a menopausal woman in the house at the same time is a recipe for disaster. My particular threenager is VERY destructive. She draws on everything. Let me repeat that. She. Draws. On. Everything. Couch, table, floor, chairs, ottoman, wall. She used to have an easel and she spent her time drawing on everything but. She has coloring books and colors on the chairs instead. She has...

So, Mother's Day is coming up. It snuck up on me this year. I truly thought it was next weekend. I certainly think of my own mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. :-) And then my thoughts turn to my children. They look nothing like me, yet they are my children. Segunda can't stand the stringy bit of peel that sticks to oranges but loves oranges - just like me. Prima needs alone time to gather her energy - just like me. Segunda loves broccoli - not like me at all at that age. Prima loves being physically active: running, skiing, karate, Chinese dance - not like me at all at any age. My heart overflows with love for them often. And my patience often leaks out my ears as the rage seeps in when the whining ticks up one more notch and the shouting matches go to volume 11. But I love them so and can't picture my life without them. They make me happy beyond measure. But there are two moms out there who are living without them. And I a...

We are a month into Strensiq for Segunda. We had heard other patient anecdotes regarding the medication. All positive with a few reporting some side effects. The most common is the site injection sores. Here is how it is going for us: The first four injections had terrible site injection pain. The site became red, swollen and very painful even to graze the spot. Segunda let us know if we accidentally touched it and told us to "never touch my owie ever ever again."  But the next rotation of injections saw a markedly smaller reaction, and now there isn't one at all. We are 11 shots in. This means we are just shy of a month. In the beginning, she suffered acute anxiety over the shots and would begin hyperventilating and panicking the moment I headed towards her refrigerator. She would shriek for daddy to hold her hand. Now, while she isn't fond of them and she sometimes still cries, she is starting to accept them as routine. Now for the fun stuff. In less than a mo...

It's been an exciting few weeks around our household for Segunda. Our pediatrician found us an endocrinologist who is one of the foremost experts on HPP in the western United States, and he is local to us. This means that he can prescribe Strensiq for her. Strensiq is a drug developed for patients with hypophospatasia (HPP) and was approved by the FDA 4th quarter of last year. Segunda's new endocrinologist is also on the board for Strensiq. Our luck couldn't get any better.  In mid-March we had our first appointment with the new doctor. It was a torture session for Segunda. She had to walk around the doctor's office for 5 minutes to get a baseline for how fast she can walk and what her stamina looks like. At the 2 1/2 minute mark, she tripped over a rug. She didn't fall, but it was very upsetting to her and she screamed and cried the remaining 2 1/2 minutes and begged me to pick her up. So I walked backwards through the halls of the doctor's office holding h...