An Open Letter to Those Who Weep

There was another school shooting today. All of them make me unspeakably sad, but this one made me weep. I did not know anyone closely who attended the school and chances are very good, that I don't know the teachers either. But Arapahoe High School is my alma mater. I graduated in 1989.

Today, as I heard the news I was back in those hallways. I was sitting in one of the booths in the cafeteria. I was attending my favorite class. I was accessing my locker.

I remember those locker-lined halls. I remember the two locations of my lockers. I had one when I first started at the school, and my locker-mate thought it would be funny to take the new girl's books with her to class so that I had nothing. Me being me, I went straight to the principal who tracked her down and got my books back. I had a new locker in the other long hallway the next day to myself and she got another locker-mate. Karma.

I remember gym class and the locker room. I remember the location of my favorite class. It was an English elective and was largely discussion based. I remember suggesting a Margaret Atwood book to my teacher as an addition to the syllabus. He gawked at me and told me the other students wouldn't understand it. His name was Rahn Andersen and he was the best teacher I ever had. It is doubtful that he is still teaching since it has been 24 years and he was easily in his late 30's or early 40's when he taught me. He let me write a research paper on Tom Robbins. I remember where his office was. If he is still teaching, I fervently hope that he is safe and well and that he wasn't the target of the student today.

I remember the security dogs that paced the halls when, then Vice President, George HW Bush came and spoke at my school. I  remember my classmates carrying around political signs that day that said either Bush or Dukakis. I remember not caring who won the election. Since I wasn't old enough to vote, I saw no reason to get involved.

I remember the cafeteria as the gathering place for me and my friends. We would cram into a booth and eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, drink soda, and talk about the important things that all teenagers talk about. Who did what to who? Who is "going out" with who? Shouting at my boyfriend in the middle of the cafeteria and dramatically storming out.

I remember the battle for premium parking spaces in the student lot. The early arrival got the best spot. I remember having the air let out of my tires in that very parking lot by an upset ex-boyfriend.

I remember the baked potato bar that was my favorite lunch option. We had open campus and could come and go as we pleased. So, often we visited the Burger King across the street, the Pollo Loco and the yogurt shop. The Pollo Loco and the yogurt shop are no longer there, but that parking lot is where the police force gathered today.

My high school was a blue ribbon high school. The school mascot of Arapahoe High School is the Arapahoe Warriors. The school has a beautifully symbiotic relationship with the Arapahoe Indian Tribe. The Tribe came the school for Pow Wows and educational opportunities. The school had classes specifically for the history of the Native Americans. They were required. They were awesome.

I remember that I was safe. I never questioned my safety in those hallways. Chances are nobody else did either. The Columbine massacre probably changed that for some students. Sandy Hook probably changed that for even more students. Arapahoe High School has taken away all sense of security I may have felt about my child going to school. When I heard about the shooting today, at my alma mater, I realized, like a punch in the face, that safety is an illusion. Sadly, it probably has always been an illusion.

I remember being in lockdown at Arapahoe High School, because a man was on the loose who was on a killing spree. He came from up north somewhere, and was spotted near an elementary school. All schools went on lockdown and I remember stressing out that I couldn't get to work - I had a high school internship at a medical association. My boss understood and my Mom was a little freaked out. I was not worried because I was at school. The man was eventually caught very very near my neighborhood. I had trouble sleeping and made sure the curtains were always drawn over my window. It took several months before I stopped being afraid.

I can only imagine what the students and teachers are going to go through as they struggle to recover from this. I don't have an answer for how to make schools safer, but I know I want them safer. I don't want to worry about my child when she goes to school. I want her to focus on learning, not ducking for cover. So many schools are teaching children what to do in case of a violent situation. If it protects the children, then of course, they should learn it. But Peace would be better.

Thank you for reading this. It was more of a stream of consciousness, but I had to get it out. Peace be with all of you!