Trust
The other day, I took Prima to get her flu vaccine. It was the kind they squirt up her nose and not a shot, but she had never had that one before. On the way there, she said she was afraid. I told her it was okay to be afraid, but they were just going to squirt something up her nose and not poke her with a needle.
We arrived at the pharmacy and she was practically having a seizure over the idea of this vaccine. I explained again that they weren't giving her a shot, they were just squirting something up her nose. She said this ...
"I don't trust anyone!"
Wha???
Me: Do you trust me?
Prima: A little bit. [and she held up her index finger and thumb a little bit apart to give me a visual.]
Me: Have I ever lied to you?
Prima: No.
Me: When you get shots, do I tell they will hurt or not hurt?
Prima: Hurt.
Me: When you asked about getting your ears pierced and if it would hurt, how did I answer you?
Prima: You said that it would hurt. [to be clear her ears are NOT pierced because of the pain factor.]
Me: So why you don't trust me?
Prima: I don't trust anyone.
Holy Crap! Now what?
So, I have been thinking about this statement over and over again ever since. And it hit me today ... I'm a little slow. Of course she doesn't trust anyone. She was abandoned by her birth mom on a sidewalk in the middle of winter. She was then found by a shopkeeper, taken to a police station, and then handed over to an orphanage for the next 9 months of her life. Then she was handed to me. Duh. It seems so logical when you stop and think about it.
Now I am on a mission to earn her trust. I'm not sure how because I have never lied to my daughter (except about the tooth fairy, Easter bunny and Santa Claus). If we go someplace new, we talk through it first and I tell her what it might be like including the icky parts. I don't want her to be surprised, because a surprised Prima is a melting Prima, and frankly it's not fair to her to not prepare her. We did that for our trip to China because we wanted to prepare her as best we could. It turned out we didn't do enough, but we tried our hardest. I have even pack back up outfits when we go places in case she decides she wants to look like everyone else. For example, she went to a Frozen birthday party and the princesses were present. I knew the other kids (well, the girl kids) would be there in princess dresses and Prima dressed in her usual t-shirt and shorts. I packed a Princess Jasmine (notice it wasn't a princess dress I packed, but a pair of balloon pants and a top) costume in my bag just in case she decided that she wanted to look like the others. She never made that decision, but I was prepared just in case. I have taken her to the dentist and allowed her to leave without getting her teeth cleaned because she was terrified. On the trip I finally talked her into getting her teeth cleaned, we were there for 2 hours because she didn't trust the hygienist that it wouldn't hurt. That was an exhausting dental visit. The next dental visit went swimmingly because she proved to herself that it wouldn't hurt the time before.
Has this happened with your children? What did you do? Did you stay the course and hope they came to understand that you are always on their side as they get older? Did it get worse? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Is this standard operating procedure for adopted kids, or just something that my child is going through? I hope you will share your experiences with me.
We arrived at the pharmacy and she was practically having a seizure over the idea of this vaccine. I explained again that they weren't giving her a shot, they were just squirting something up her nose. She said this ...
"I don't trust anyone!"
Wha???
Me: Do you trust me?
Prima: A little bit. [and she held up her index finger and thumb a little bit apart to give me a visual.]
Me: Have I ever lied to you?
Prima: No.
Me: When you get shots, do I tell they will hurt or not hurt?
Prima: Hurt.
Me: When you asked about getting your ears pierced and if it would hurt, how did I answer you?
Prima: You said that it would hurt. [to be clear her ears are NOT pierced because of the pain factor.]
Me: So why you don't trust me?
Prima: I don't trust anyone.
Holy Crap! Now what?
So, I have been thinking about this statement over and over again ever since. And it hit me today ... I'm a little slow. Of course she doesn't trust anyone. She was abandoned by her birth mom on a sidewalk in the middle of winter. She was then found by a shopkeeper, taken to a police station, and then handed over to an orphanage for the next 9 months of her life. Then she was handed to me. Duh. It seems so logical when you stop and think about it.
Now I am on a mission to earn her trust. I'm not sure how because I have never lied to my daughter (except about the tooth fairy, Easter bunny and Santa Claus). If we go someplace new, we talk through it first and I tell her what it might be like including the icky parts. I don't want her to be surprised, because a surprised Prima is a melting Prima, and frankly it's not fair to her to not prepare her. We did that for our trip to China because we wanted to prepare her as best we could. It turned out we didn't do enough, but we tried our hardest. I have even pack back up outfits when we go places in case she decides she wants to look like everyone else. For example, she went to a Frozen birthday party and the princesses were present. I knew the other kids (well, the girl kids) would be there in princess dresses and Prima dressed in her usual t-shirt and shorts. I packed a Princess Jasmine (notice it wasn't a princess dress I packed, but a pair of balloon pants and a top) costume in my bag just in case she decided that she wanted to look like the others. She never made that decision, but I was prepared just in case. I have taken her to the dentist and allowed her to leave without getting her teeth cleaned because she was terrified. On the trip I finally talked her into getting her teeth cleaned, we were there for 2 hours because she didn't trust the hygienist that it wouldn't hurt. That was an exhausting dental visit. The next dental visit went swimmingly because she proved to herself that it wouldn't hurt the time before.
Has this happened with your children? What did you do? Did you stay the course and hope they came to understand that you are always on their side as they get older? Did it get worse? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Is this standard operating procedure for adopted kids, or just something that my child is going through? I hope you will share your experiences with me.
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