Post-Adoption Depression - It's Real
Since I'm not a doctor, I'm not going to write a list of the 10 symptoms to be aware of or the 35 things that change after you bring home a baby. I'm just going to tell you my story in hopes that if you recognize some of these things in yourself, you reach out. And if you share this, then maybe others might see it in themselves and, in turn, reach out.
I think for me the pressure began building in China. What was I doing? Prima was a wreck because she was afraid that mommy suddenly didn't have time for her. Segunda needed lots of extra attention because, well, she was scared shitless. And, for some reason, I felt that it was all me that needed to comfort and soothe my children. Why? My husband was, and is, perfectly capable of handling the children. When I lose my patience, he suddenly has a reservoir of it. When he loses his patience, I have a reservoir of it. We complement each other that way. But lately my patience has been coming in puddles and not reservoirs.
In China, I carried both children at the same time a lot. Prima had a very difficult time accepting her sister. Her sister came to her as a jealous toddler and not as an infant who slept a lot. Introducing instant competition to a not so competitive child is not so nice. So, yes I carried Prima and Segunda because Prima desperately needed to know her mommy still loved her. I was getting very tired.
Back at home, we weathered jet lag pretty well thanks to melatonin and summer sunshine. But it was becoming a slog. Grocery lists weren't happening, house cleaning wasn't happening, shopping was happening but in this haphazard need to go back to the store for a gazillion forgotten items the first time way. And Prima was in school 3 days a week over the summer. Still no clean house, the occasional well-planned meal, and if I could drum up the energy, the pool.
I gleefully went back to work at summer's end, but that "honeymoon" didn't last. I love being challenged, a fast-paced environment, using my brain and organizational abilities. All of these are my job and I'm tired and unmotivated and, did I mention tired? There doesn't seem to be much joy in anything. The pressure mounts daily. The meal planning isn't happening. The shopping happens, but it's still fairly disorganized. The laundry gets done, but it sits in laundry baskets for days waiting to be folded. And I still don't fold it, my husband does. The dishes get done, but the house is filthy. The kids get bathed once or twice a week and it used to be every other day like clockwork.
Prima started kindergarten and I really began to feel lost. No more notes home everyday on her progress. What is she doing during the day? Is she making friends? Does she eat enough? Is it healthy? Is she happy? How would I know? By 5:00 when I pick her up she is cranky, hungry and tired. Just like me. Weeknights are now a rush of madness to squeeze everything in: karate, dinner, laundry, baths, pajamas, stories, bed. No playtime. And Prima, being five, is terrible at following directions. I have to ask 65,000 times to put on her jacket. Meanwhile, Segunda is trying to tell me she wants more cereal but I'm too busy focusing on packing Prima's school snacks to even hear her. So her demands get louder until finally in my haste to get her what she wants, I spill cereal all over the table and some on the floor. Keep in mind, what I'm recounting above is when husband is traveling. When he is home, he is johnny on the spot with the helping with the kids' breakfast and jackets and shoes, etc. I think he senses the delicate tightrope I seem to be walking.
The doctor visits for Segunda are becoming increasingly difficult. Why? I'm not the one getting wrapped up in casts. But it kills me to see her so afraid and then she sustained an injury last time around and was in pain for 3 days until she took matters into her own hands. What the hell kind of a mother am I that I let my child be in pain for 3 days and do nothing? I was waiting to see if the pain subsided and I thought it was, but then it didn't and she finally just took the damn thing off. And now, I'm calling a halt. Mommy can't do it anymore right now. Today all bets are off, and we are cast free during the daytime for awhile. I cannot put her through anymore right now. Daddy gets the vaccine appointment next week because I simply can't do it. Don't get me wrong, if he couldn't I would, but he can, so I'm not.
This blog post is very chaotic, but that's how it life feels right now. I'm already thinking about the pressures of the upcoming holidays and how to navigate the minefield that is always in existence around holidays (as I'm sure it is for most families). How do I get the shopping done, when I can't even find time to buy a birthday card for my nephew? Once the shopping is done, the wrapping begins. And the decorating and the cooking and the baking and the holiday card sending and the trying to make sure everyone is happy everywhere. Why can't I figure out it's not my job to satisfy everybody? Well, it might be time. Segunda and I have Shriner's in St. Louis in November. Prima's Gotcha Day is in November. These are two things that are of the utmost importance in my family and two things that will get all of my attention. As for the rest of it ... well, I'm not sure yet, but I hope I can find ways to ease that pressure.
And for some reason, outside pressures are just about my undoing these days. I want to punch Julie Williams (a board member of the Jefferson County School Board) in the throat for being such an idiot. The stupidity in public office is astounding. Congress makes me want to vomit. Gun violence makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. The rabid nameless mom all over the internet who thinks that if your sun doesn't rise and set with your beloved children that you should not have had them in first place can ride her high horse right off into the damn sunset. There is so much violence and fear-mongering going on in the world on top of all of the other every day pressures we all feel that it's just too damn much.
It's time for this mama to take a deep breath, hand my children to my husband, and go find a quiet, tranquil place to just breathe, read and do nothing. Or I might kick him and the children out of the house so that I can organize something with my music kicked up to top volume and dance and dance and organize and dance. Sounds like good pre-holiday prep to me and the refresher I just may need. Wish me luck!
I think for me the pressure began building in China. What was I doing? Prima was a wreck because she was afraid that mommy suddenly didn't have time for her. Segunda needed lots of extra attention because, well, she was scared shitless. And, for some reason, I felt that it was all me that needed to comfort and soothe my children. Why? My husband was, and is, perfectly capable of handling the children. When I lose my patience, he suddenly has a reservoir of it. When he loses his patience, I have a reservoir of it. We complement each other that way. But lately my patience has been coming in puddles and not reservoirs.
In China, I carried both children at the same time a lot. Prima had a very difficult time accepting her sister. Her sister came to her as a jealous toddler and not as an infant who slept a lot. Introducing instant competition to a not so competitive child is not so nice. So, yes I carried Prima and Segunda because Prima desperately needed to know her mommy still loved her. I was getting very tired.
Back at home, we weathered jet lag pretty well thanks to melatonin and summer sunshine. But it was becoming a slog. Grocery lists weren't happening, house cleaning wasn't happening, shopping was happening but in this haphazard need to go back to the store for a gazillion forgotten items the first time way. And Prima was in school 3 days a week over the summer. Still no clean house, the occasional well-planned meal, and if I could drum up the energy, the pool.
I gleefully went back to work at summer's end, but that "honeymoon" didn't last. I love being challenged, a fast-paced environment, using my brain and organizational abilities. All of these are my job and I'm tired and unmotivated and, did I mention tired? There doesn't seem to be much joy in anything. The pressure mounts daily. The meal planning isn't happening. The shopping happens, but it's still fairly disorganized. The laundry gets done, but it sits in laundry baskets for days waiting to be folded. And I still don't fold it, my husband does. The dishes get done, but the house is filthy. The kids get bathed once or twice a week and it used to be every other day like clockwork.
Prima started kindergarten and I really began to feel lost. No more notes home everyday on her progress. What is she doing during the day? Is she making friends? Does she eat enough? Is it healthy? Is she happy? How would I know? By 5:00 when I pick her up she is cranky, hungry and tired. Just like me. Weeknights are now a rush of madness to squeeze everything in: karate, dinner, laundry, baths, pajamas, stories, bed. No playtime. And Prima, being five, is terrible at following directions. I have to ask 65,000 times to put on her jacket. Meanwhile, Segunda is trying to tell me she wants more cereal but I'm too busy focusing on packing Prima's school snacks to even hear her. So her demands get louder until finally in my haste to get her what she wants, I spill cereal all over the table and some on the floor. Keep in mind, what I'm recounting above is when husband is traveling. When he is home, he is johnny on the spot with the helping with the kids' breakfast and jackets and shoes, etc. I think he senses the delicate tightrope I seem to be walking.
The doctor visits for Segunda are becoming increasingly difficult. Why? I'm not the one getting wrapped up in casts. But it kills me to see her so afraid and then she sustained an injury last time around and was in pain for 3 days until she took matters into her own hands. What the hell kind of a mother am I that I let my child be in pain for 3 days and do nothing? I was waiting to see if the pain subsided and I thought it was, but then it didn't and she finally just took the damn thing off. And now, I'm calling a halt. Mommy can't do it anymore right now. Today all bets are off, and we are cast free during the daytime for awhile. I cannot put her through anymore right now. Daddy gets the vaccine appointment next week because I simply can't do it. Don't get me wrong, if he couldn't I would, but he can, so I'm not.
This blog post is very chaotic, but that's how it life feels right now. I'm already thinking about the pressures of the upcoming holidays and how to navigate the minefield that is always in existence around holidays (as I'm sure it is for most families). How do I get the shopping done, when I can't even find time to buy a birthday card for my nephew? Once the shopping is done, the wrapping begins. And the decorating and the cooking and the baking and the holiday card sending and the trying to make sure everyone is happy everywhere. Why can't I figure out it's not my job to satisfy everybody? Well, it might be time. Segunda and I have Shriner's in St. Louis in November. Prima's Gotcha Day is in November. These are two things that are of the utmost importance in my family and two things that will get all of my attention. As for the rest of it ... well, I'm not sure yet, but I hope I can find ways to ease that pressure.
And for some reason, outside pressures are just about my undoing these days. I want to punch Julie Williams (a board member of the Jefferson County School Board) in the throat for being such an idiot. The stupidity in public office is astounding. Congress makes me want to vomit. Gun violence makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. The rabid nameless mom all over the internet who thinks that if your sun doesn't rise and set with your beloved children that you should not have had them in first place can ride her high horse right off into the damn sunset. There is so much violence and fear-mongering going on in the world on top of all of the other every day pressures we all feel that it's just too damn much.
It's time for this mama to take a deep breath, hand my children to my husband, and go find a quiet, tranquil place to just breathe, read and do nothing. Or I might kick him and the children out of the house so that I can organize something with my music kicked up to top volume and dance and dance and organize and dance. Sounds like good pre-holiday prep to me and the refresher I just may need. Wish me luck!
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