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Horcruxes

Voldemort splits his soul into 7 pieces and puts them in horcruxes so that he can live forever. But the damage is done. He is only 1/7 of a person and is barely alive.
Maybe this is a pity party, maybe it's nerves, maybe it's anxiety, but I feel like I have been divided into many pieces. Just hanging on, clinging to reality and hoping I get it all right somehow. I've posted in some groups on Facebook about the struggle we are having involving our oldest, Prima. And the moms have helped me and supported me. I guess I just need more shoring up, so I'm putting it here too. 
Prima is almost 9 years old and never wanted a little sister. There are so many sweet moments with the two of them, I can't keep track. They build forts together, they play Pokemon together, they watch tv together, they build Legos together. And yet, Prima heaps vitriol on her sister in great big buckets of hate. And she heaps vitriol on me. Segunda is having a big surgery on Monday and it involves…

Fodder for Men's Wet Dreams

Men are dropping like flies. Powerful men. Sinking like Jimmy Hoffa in cement boots. Men are scared. Can I complement a woman? Can I talk to a woman? What is it safe to say? What if I want to ask her out? Can I do that? Pardon us when we don't have much sympathy for your plight.

Women have been living this life for millennia. We have been sold into marriage at incredibly young ages. We have been sex slaves. We have been forced to have babies by the men who bought us. We have been forced to abort babies by the men who bought us. We have been beaten and told to obey. We have died in child birth. We have died from abuse. We have lived through forced marriages. We have lived through rapes. We survived the sex trade. We have lived through childbirth. We have lived with barren wombs. We have been the fodder for men's wet dreams. We have been gawked at. We have been groped. We have been harassed. We have been objectified.

Women are kept in a constant state of fear. Be aware of your s…

Then Something Wonderful Happened

Prima: Mom, you have told me this before and I didn't really listen. But I learned that when I stop being mean to Segunda and do nice things for her I feel really good.
Me: What makes you say that?
Prima: Well, you know how I was nice to her most of the weekend right? And then I started flicking her and noticed that I started to feel really bad. Then when I stopped something wonderful happened.
Me: Wow. What happened?
Prima: I started to feel good about myself and I started to feel like I was a good person.
Me: That's really impressive Prima. That's great personal growth. You know something. I really admire you and look up to you.
Prima: I'm supposed to admire you.
Me: Well, there is no rule that you have to admire your parents. But it can go both ways. You are a really good person and you very often make really wise decisions. You have amazing self control and you think about others a lot. You pay attention to how you feel in situations and you learn from it.

Today, f…

Clingy Babies

My babies have been very clingy lately. I understand why Prima is - her Gotcha Day is November 22. This is always a rocky time of year for our girl. She came to us quiet and watchful. Immediately after her first bottle with us, and a lullaby, she went to sleep and slept through the night. She retreated to sleep a lot in the first days. She is quick to cry right now and needs me to hold her a lot. I took her to breakfast yesterday just the two of us. And there we were in line: me with a 54 pound 8-year old on my hip and she was very relaxed as I held her in that line.

Her teacher says that she is very kind to her classmates. There is a child in her class on the autism spectrum and she just quietly helps him with his daily agenda. The teacher says it was so sly that she had no idea who was doing it. She finally asked him and Prima fessed up. Her teacher said she is helping him for the all the right reasons and none of them are for accolades. Although I'm giving her some right here i…

I Was Not Prepared For This

When you decide to adopt a child in the state of Colorado (and I think the Hague now requires it too) you have to take a certain number of training classes. We took more than the required amount so that we were prepared for our baby to struggle to attach, prepared for her to have public meltdowns, prepared to help her navigate the world of racism and injustice ... but you know what? No amount of classes or books really prepares you for what you may face.

I was not prepared for the anxiety my 8-year old faces every day. I was not prepared for the endless verbal loops she gets in - it's like her brain is on a hamster wheel. I was not prepared for her perfectionism. I was not prepared for her to take every thing so seriously. If I have to hear one more time about the kid who told her "zero voices" in the hall at school somewhere around mid-year, my head just might explode. I was not prepared for her to feel three years later that her little sister is "ruining my life.&…

Falling Apart

Parenting as an adoptive mother is an awesome responsibility. It’s not just society looking over my shoulder. I have women half a world away who will be keenly interested in the well being of their children. I feel the never ceasing weight of parenting another woman’s child, and the weight of my own measureless love for my children.
My daughters are mine through and through, but they were born to other women. This comes with an undeniable compulsion to do everything right. My entire body is a taut guitar string just waiting to snap. Everyday I hold them, nurture them, go to work, cook, and tuck them in at night. There is often an overwhelming sense of frustration that I’m somehow messing it up. When they scream at me that they won’t eat and I remove them from the room, I ask myself is this right? Is it okay to remove them from the table? Is this attachment parenting? When I get calls from the school that one had a 45 minute meltdown and they didn’t know what to do, the pressure builds.…

Exercise Can Fuck Off

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On Monday, I took the kids to the gym after work and school and I walked around the track for 25 minutes, then did some arm machines. My goal here is to increase stamina and be healthy enough to help Segunda as she gets older and needs help with some physical activities. I did okay.

We came home to a crockpot pork chop dinner for which husband made spaghetti. Normal night after that of homework, bedtime reading, injection for Segunda, etc.

Tonight, I went back to the gym after work and school and I walked around the track for ... 20 minutes. Less time than Monday. As I walked the track, staring at myself in the mirror, I took stock of the pain and where it was coming from. I watched my ever-widening thighs approach themselves in the mirror before rounding the track away from the mirror, my "workout" pants stretched taut over them. My hips were aching but it felt a little like sore muscles, so I soldiered on. Oddly my shoulders began to hurt. I made sure they were down, stra…