The Inevitable
It seems inevitable that I would write a post today. Things that shake me emotionally generate blog posts. I have a friend, who I only know through Facebook, who died this morning from brain cancer. She leaves behind a husband and daughter. Her daughter is adopted from China. This is hitting me particularly hard because I have been reading a book pointing out how very difficult the lives of adoptees really are. The book is called Primal Wound and anyone associated in any way with adoption really needs to read it.
What I've learned is that adoptees never recover from being abandoned by their birth mother. Let me repeat that, they never recover. They may find ways to cope with it. They may not even be aware that it is impacting them. But every decision they make with their lives is impacted by this abandonment. And I got to thinking about my friend's daughter, who is in elementary school, who has lost not one but two mothers. I wish I could help them, but they live very far away and her husband and child don't know of my existence. They have friends near them who have been untiring in their support during this time and will likely continue to hold this family up until they can do it themselves. I'm certain her husband will be very touched by the outpouring of support I have seen on Facebook today. My friend touched many lives in a very positive way. I hope he is able to reach out when he is ready and accept the many proffered hands of love, grief, help, and companionship.
All of this made me think of my own daughters. It's taking every ounce of will power I have not to race to their schools, scoop them up, hold them tight and not let them go until sometime next week. My daughters are adopted too. They have been abandoned by their birth mothers. Prima is starting to explore that part of her and wonder and ask questions. I have so few answers to give her. There is nothing more painful than watching your child struggle with a grief so deep and so primal that I cannot even begin to unpack it. When she asks questions about her birth mother, she always cries. Prima is such an amazing child and she has told me that she wishes all moms could keep their babies. What a thing for a 5-year old to realize.
How did I get from death of a friend to my children's birth mothers? Well, my friend's daughter lost her birth mother and her adoptive mother and I can't pretend to know the pain that child is going through. It made me think of the pain my daughters would be in if something happened to me or my husband. How do you move forward from such loss? I'm confident that my friend's daughter will move forward as her support network is large and generous and loving. My friend's legacy is one of love and generosity. She will live on in everyone she touched, but especially in her daughter. May that beautiful child find peace and live a joyous life.
What I've learned is that adoptees never recover from being abandoned by their birth mother. Let me repeat that, they never recover. They may find ways to cope with it. They may not even be aware that it is impacting them. But every decision they make with their lives is impacted by this abandonment. And I got to thinking about my friend's daughter, who is in elementary school, who has lost not one but two mothers. I wish I could help them, but they live very far away and her husband and child don't know of my existence. They have friends near them who have been untiring in their support during this time and will likely continue to hold this family up until they can do it themselves. I'm certain her husband will be very touched by the outpouring of support I have seen on Facebook today. My friend touched many lives in a very positive way. I hope he is able to reach out when he is ready and accept the many proffered hands of love, grief, help, and companionship.
All of this made me think of my own daughters. It's taking every ounce of will power I have not to race to their schools, scoop them up, hold them tight and not let them go until sometime next week. My daughters are adopted too. They have been abandoned by their birth mothers. Prima is starting to explore that part of her and wonder and ask questions. I have so few answers to give her. There is nothing more painful than watching your child struggle with a grief so deep and so primal that I cannot even begin to unpack it. When she asks questions about her birth mother, she always cries. Prima is such an amazing child and she has told me that she wishes all moms could keep their babies. What a thing for a 5-year old to realize.
How did I get from death of a friend to my children's birth mothers? Well, my friend's daughter lost her birth mother and her adoptive mother and I can't pretend to know the pain that child is going through. It made me think of the pain my daughters would be in if something happened to me or my husband. How do you move forward from such loss? I'm confident that my friend's daughter will move forward as her support network is large and generous and loving. My friend's legacy is one of love and generosity. She will live on in everyone she touched, but especially in her daughter. May that beautiful child find peace and live a joyous life.
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