Home
Tonight was Family Movie Night. We chose Home because Prima wanted to see it in the theater, but we never made it. So we watched in the comfort of our family room.
Spoiler Alert - at the end when the girl finds her mom, Prima was a full on disaster. I admit, I didn't see that coming. "She found her Mom, and I don't know mine." My poor baby was hysterical crying because she doesn't know who her birth mom is. I know I write about birth moms a lot, but guess what, in my household, they're paramount. Without birth moms making the ultimate sacrifice, there would be no children.
So, my great big 6-year old girl who is gorgeous beyond belief, who hates to be told she is cute or pretty, who scored a 100% on her math test, a 100% on letter sounds, and a 56% on her letter formation (just like this mama), who loves karate because it leads her to kung fu, who can't get enough of wonton soup, who adores chocolate, is crying the most heart-rending tears imaginable over the end of this movie.
I keep promising her that we will do 23 and Me, but we haven't done it yet. I haven't done the necessary research to get a kit because I want to do Segunda at the same time and that gets pricey. But maybe it's time to say "screw the price" and just do it because Prima needs the reassurance that we are looking in some way for her birth mother. When she is older, we might hire a service to help us, but for now 23 and Me is all we can manage. She uttered the most heartbreaking words tonight. "She will be dead by the time we get to China. I know she will be." And, of course, I have no way of knowing whether she is living or dead right now. And my daughter is devastated. She is certain that she is already dead, or soon will be. I hope she is wrong.
So, I held her and I told her over and over again that it's okay that she wants her birth mom; it's okay that she misses her; it's okay to love both moms, and for the very first time, tears flowed for me too. I have never cried when Prima is upset over her birth mother before because it always seems so important to show her that I wasn't the least bit bothered by her questions and concerns thus showing her that I am open to any and all questions about her adoption and her birth parents. And I'm not bothered, but tonight, I hurt for her and I just couldn't keep the tears inside. I couldn't hide that I, too, hurt over her pain. That I, too, want to know her birth mother and learn her story and learn her reasons for abandoning this amazing child.
I told Prima the story of the day we met her. She asked over and over again if she was sad when she was handed to us or if she tried to get to her birth mom. I told her that she was not sad and that she didn't cry. And visibly, that's true. She may have been deeply sad, but it didn't show on the outside of her 9-month old self. Instead she looked around very alert and curious, but she did not cry and she did not display obvious sadness. What we know now is that her propensity to sleep meant that she was trying to escape from the incredible trauma of being handed to two white Americans who didn't speak any Chinese and we must have smelled so different. But right now, she just needs to know that she was not desperately trying to get to her birth mother. It seems to help her to know that.
She very astutely pointed out that her birth mother will not be able to find her. She said that her birth mother has no idea that she is in America. She told me that she is the one who will have to search. At 6-years old, she is so amazing at the connections she makes and the things that she just knows. She is right, we will have to do the searching as her birth mother will have no way of finding her. She told me that she wished she was born in America because the search would be so much easier. She also told me that hates that she is adopted.
I invited her to sleep in bed with me tonight. As she settled in, Segunda decided that tonight was the night to throw a fit over wearing her AFOs. So she cried for at least half an hour because she has to wear braces on her legs to sleep at night. What a trip for this mama. I know that the braces are what is helping her walk during the day, they help to keep her pain free, they help to continue to straighten her feet. And if she were still in China, her feet would still face almost backwards, if, she didn't go through some kind of painful surgery to straighten everything out. And if she went through such a surgery, her pain levels would be off the charts, because they don't worry too much about the pain of orphans or if the AFOs fit, or if they cause sores, if that pain is going to cause long-term cognitive problems, or what the future holds. But I worry about those things. I think about that for Segunda all the time. I know that the one surgery we have done so far to lengthen her achilles is why she is walking unassisted today. I know that the pain she suffers today is nothing compared to what she could be suffering if she were still in China. We may never find either child's birth parents, but we will know more about Segunda's simply because one of them shares the same genetic condition and is probably in amazing pain as I write this. Or maybe they are simply a carrier, but either way, it literally runs in their blood. And my sweet, toothless Segunda who has a twisted tibia, curved long bones, weak bones, and six bones that broke in utero and healed before she was born, is truly a fiery dragon who will let nothing stand in her path, will likely blaze the trail for her big sister to follow and find comfort in.
I hope in my heart of hearts that my children find their birth parents, but if they never do, I'm so grateful that they will have each other. The limits I will go to for my children have not yet been reached, and I'm not sure they have bounds. I will go to the ends of the earth for them over and over again. As trying as parenthood is, it is the reason I am here today. I may suck at parenthood, but I love my children more than life itself. There are days that I shout right back at them when they are throwing a fit. I'm not proud of that fact, but there are also days when I get to watch them play together, I get to witness some moment of splendor that I would have missed if I were not their mother. I know that there are two women on the other side of the Earth who made the most exquisite sacrifice and that I am the beneficiary. I get to watch their children grow up. I get to watch Prima perform in her very first play next month. I got to watch both of my children take their first steps. I get to watch them make connections and observations. I get to see them make friends. I get to see their compassion and their beauty. I get to be their mom. My Babies - if you read this as grown ups, I hope you know how very much you are loved, how very much you were longed for, and how very much you do for me just by being you. I love you both more than I can possibly describe. You are my heart.
Spoiler Alert - at the end when the girl finds her mom, Prima was a full on disaster. I admit, I didn't see that coming. "She found her Mom, and I don't know mine." My poor baby was hysterical crying because she doesn't know who her birth mom is. I know I write about birth moms a lot, but guess what, in my household, they're paramount. Without birth moms making the ultimate sacrifice, there would be no children.
So, my great big 6-year old girl who is gorgeous beyond belief, who hates to be told she is cute or pretty, who scored a 100% on her math test, a 100% on letter sounds, and a 56% on her letter formation (just like this mama), who loves karate because it leads her to kung fu, who can't get enough of wonton soup, who adores chocolate, is crying the most heart-rending tears imaginable over the end of this movie.
I keep promising her that we will do 23 and Me, but we haven't done it yet. I haven't done the necessary research to get a kit because I want to do Segunda at the same time and that gets pricey. But maybe it's time to say "screw the price" and just do it because Prima needs the reassurance that we are looking in some way for her birth mother. When she is older, we might hire a service to help us, but for now 23 and Me is all we can manage. She uttered the most heartbreaking words tonight. "She will be dead by the time we get to China. I know she will be." And, of course, I have no way of knowing whether she is living or dead right now. And my daughter is devastated. She is certain that she is already dead, or soon will be. I hope she is wrong.
So, I held her and I told her over and over again that it's okay that she wants her birth mom; it's okay that she misses her; it's okay to love both moms, and for the very first time, tears flowed for me too. I have never cried when Prima is upset over her birth mother before because it always seems so important to show her that I wasn't the least bit bothered by her questions and concerns thus showing her that I am open to any and all questions about her adoption and her birth parents. And I'm not bothered, but tonight, I hurt for her and I just couldn't keep the tears inside. I couldn't hide that I, too, hurt over her pain. That I, too, want to know her birth mother and learn her story and learn her reasons for abandoning this amazing child.
I told Prima the story of the day we met her. She asked over and over again if she was sad when she was handed to us or if she tried to get to her birth mom. I told her that she was not sad and that she didn't cry. And visibly, that's true. She may have been deeply sad, but it didn't show on the outside of her 9-month old self. Instead she looked around very alert and curious, but she did not cry and she did not display obvious sadness. What we know now is that her propensity to sleep meant that she was trying to escape from the incredible trauma of being handed to two white Americans who didn't speak any Chinese and we must have smelled so different. But right now, she just needs to know that she was not desperately trying to get to her birth mother. It seems to help her to know that.
She very astutely pointed out that her birth mother will not be able to find her. She said that her birth mother has no idea that she is in America. She told me that she is the one who will have to search. At 6-years old, she is so amazing at the connections she makes and the things that she just knows. She is right, we will have to do the searching as her birth mother will have no way of finding her. She told me that she wished she was born in America because the search would be so much easier. She also told me that hates that she is adopted.
I invited her to sleep in bed with me tonight. As she settled in, Segunda decided that tonight was the night to throw a fit over wearing her AFOs. So she cried for at least half an hour because she has to wear braces on her legs to sleep at night. What a trip for this mama. I know that the braces are what is helping her walk during the day, they help to keep her pain free, they help to continue to straighten her feet. And if she were still in China, her feet would still face almost backwards, if, she didn't go through some kind of painful surgery to straighten everything out. And if she went through such a surgery, her pain levels would be off the charts, because they don't worry too much about the pain of orphans or if the AFOs fit, or if they cause sores, if that pain is going to cause long-term cognitive problems, or what the future holds. But I worry about those things. I think about that for Segunda all the time. I know that the one surgery we have done so far to lengthen her achilles is why she is walking unassisted today. I know that the pain she suffers today is nothing compared to what she could be suffering if she were still in China. We may never find either child's birth parents, but we will know more about Segunda's simply because one of them shares the same genetic condition and is probably in amazing pain as I write this. Or maybe they are simply a carrier, but either way, it literally runs in their blood. And my sweet, toothless Segunda who has a twisted tibia, curved long bones, weak bones, and six bones that broke in utero and healed before she was born, is truly a fiery dragon who will let nothing stand in her path, will likely blaze the trail for her big sister to follow and find comfort in.
I hope in my heart of hearts that my children find their birth parents, but if they never do, I'm so grateful that they will have each other. The limits I will go to for my children have not yet been reached, and I'm not sure they have bounds. I will go to the ends of the earth for them over and over again. As trying as parenthood is, it is the reason I am here today. I may suck at parenthood, but I love my children more than life itself. There are days that I shout right back at them when they are throwing a fit. I'm not proud of that fact, but there are also days when I get to watch them play together, I get to witness some moment of splendor that I would have missed if I were not their mother. I know that there are two women on the other side of the Earth who made the most exquisite sacrifice and that I am the beneficiary. I get to watch their children grow up. I get to watch Prima perform in her very first play next month. I got to watch both of my children take their first steps. I get to watch them make connections and observations. I get to see them make friends. I get to see their compassion and their beauty. I get to be their mom. My Babies - if you read this as grown ups, I hope you know how very much you are loved, how very much you were longed for, and how very much you do for me just by being you. I love you both more than I can possibly describe. You are my heart.
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