The Angry Babies
Lately, my kids have been ... I don't know how to describe it ... let's go with ... challenging. Segunda has temper tantrums that are either super loud and long lasting or she makes no sound but throws everything in her reach attempting utter destruction. The no sound ones are a little freaky. Prima has been struggling with her emotions of late too. We aren't sure of the trigger, but she actually seems determined to let herself get out of control. You can see the cycle happening before your eyes and watch her head towards the cliff with purpose.
I've read book after book and there are still more books to read. They all feel like homework assignments. And if you don't do your homework you are bound to fail. No pressure or anything. Most books agree that you are supposed to help your kids identify their emotion and label it for them and most of the time the kid is supposed to calm right down. I'm not sure if they have tried these techniques on actual children, because it does not work on mine and seems to make it worse.
Last night at karate, Prima decided it was time to have a meltdown because I looked at her funny in the van. So, she stood in the lobby of the Dojo and she stomped her feet and cried and tried to keep her voice down. Kyoshi came out of his office and gave her a very quiet and respectful reprimand that there is no stomping in the Dojo and you do not treat your mother that way, to which she tearfully responded, "yes, Sensei" and dutifully apologized to me. She did not enjoy that moment and did not expect it. But she still couldn't calm down. So, into the bathroom she headed with me guiding her (toddler on my hip, toting diaper bag, purse and sparring gear). In the bathroom, I put her hands and wrists in cold water to try and help her calm down. Didn't work. I apologized for looking at her funny in the van. Didn't work. I said, "are you feeling angry?" "NO!" "Are you feeling frustrated?" "NO!" "Do you think you are tired?" "NO!" Maybe I'm asking the questions wrong. So, we tried Magic Mustache. Didn't work. I helped her blow her nose. Finally, after repeatedly asking, she agreed to do "flower/candle" if I would do it with her. Have you ever tried to breathe deeply through your nose with a sinus infection? But I soldiered on and she calmed down enough to leave the bathroom and get a drink of water. Then her Sensei spotted her and cheerfully and patiently invited her to class (to which we were late).
This morning, Segunda decided that just getting out of bed was overwhelming and that she would just stay in bed and sleep thank you very much. Couldn't really blame her, but up we must get as to school we must go. So, I carried her into Prima's room and dressed her half asleep. As soon as I put on her pants, she immediately started screaming, "No wear pants!!" Um, yes, wear pants. Did battle with my little octopus until I finally had her dressed and then we did teeth brushing and hair combing. I got out her toothbrush and asked her if she wanted to brush her teeth or if Mommy should do it. "No! Daddy do." Well, darling, Daddy is in Tulsa at the moment and since I didn't marry Plastic Man, you will have to settle for me. So, I brushed her teeth as she clenched her jaw shut and twisted her head and blew snot bubbles all over my hand. Then I combed her hair while she attempted to yank it all out of the ponytail I was attempting, twisting her head, and shrieking at the top of her lungs. She refused all offers of breakfast and demanded her Minion book. She threw it on the floor and demanded I get it again. Yeah, no. So, she got off of her chair, sat under the kitchen table and wailed. And wailed. And wailed. I said, "It's hard to get up in the morning isn't it?" "NO!" "Are you feeling frustrated that you couldn't stay in bed?" "NO!" "I bet you miss daddy." "NO!" And the wailing continued. Finally with 15 minutes to go before school, she agreed to eat breakfast. So I made her oatmeal, gave her water with probiotic and she sat there eating and laughing and enjoying herself like nothing had really gone awry this morning.
But then there is great piece of parenting advice that says, "you must model emotional regulation for your children." FAIL! How the hell do you do that? Now, the two meltdowns I just described, I did not lose my cool or yell at the kids. But, there are plenty of times when I do. I'm trying really hard to keep my anger and frustration in check, and some days I'm an utter failure. Some days I'm exhausted. Some days I just don't feel that great. Some days I'm exhausted. Some days don't go my way like the day I dealt with a screaming, shrieking Segunda at a doctor's appointment that took an hour and a half, got a flat tire on the way back to her school, was starving and still had work to get done. Some days I'm exhausted. My own failure in emotional regulation makes it easier for me to talk to Prima about her difficulties with her emotions because I can point to my own very recent failures and help her brainstorm. But it still sucks.
All the parenting advice in the world can't help with each individual circumstance. And there are times when Prima or Segunda are having a melt down or a temper tantrum and I just stare at them. They wonder why I'm just staring, but really I'm going through the catalog of advice in my head trying to figure out which one applies to this specific situation. Sometimes it takes me so long to sort through it all that by the time I have a plan, the tantrum is over.
So, my advice to you, when your kids are throwing a temper tantrum or having a meltdown, just stare at them for an uncomfortably long time.
I've read book after book and there are still more books to read. They all feel like homework assignments. And if you don't do your homework you are bound to fail. No pressure or anything. Most books agree that you are supposed to help your kids identify their emotion and label it for them and most of the time the kid is supposed to calm right down. I'm not sure if they have tried these techniques on actual children, because it does not work on mine and seems to make it worse.
Last night at karate, Prima decided it was time to have a meltdown because I looked at her funny in the van. So, she stood in the lobby of the Dojo and she stomped her feet and cried and tried to keep her voice down. Kyoshi came out of his office and gave her a very quiet and respectful reprimand that there is no stomping in the Dojo and you do not treat your mother that way, to which she tearfully responded, "yes, Sensei" and dutifully apologized to me. She did not enjoy that moment and did not expect it. But she still couldn't calm down. So, into the bathroom she headed with me guiding her (toddler on my hip, toting diaper bag, purse and sparring gear). In the bathroom, I put her hands and wrists in cold water to try and help her calm down. Didn't work. I apologized for looking at her funny in the van. Didn't work. I said, "are you feeling angry?" "NO!" "Are you feeling frustrated?" "NO!" "Do you think you are tired?" "NO!" Maybe I'm asking the questions wrong. So, we tried Magic Mustache. Didn't work. I helped her blow her nose. Finally, after repeatedly asking, she agreed to do "flower/candle" if I would do it with her. Have you ever tried to breathe deeply through your nose with a sinus infection? But I soldiered on and she calmed down enough to leave the bathroom and get a drink of water. Then her Sensei spotted her and cheerfully and patiently invited her to class (to which we were late).
This morning, Segunda decided that just getting out of bed was overwhelming and that she would just stay in bed and sleep thank you very much. Couldn't really blame her, but up we must get as to school we must go. So, I carried her into Prima's room and dressed her half asleep. As soon as I put on her pants, she immediately started screaming, "No wear pants!!" Um, yes, wear pants. Did battle with my little octopus until I finally had her dressed and then we did teeth brushing and hair combing. I got out her toothbrush and asked her if she wanted to brush her teeth or if Mommy should do it. "No! Daddy do." Well, darling, Daddy is in Tulsa at the moment and since I didn't marry Plastic Man, you will have to settle for me. So, I brushed her teeth as she clenched her jaw shut and twisted her head and blew snot bubbles all over my hand. Then I combed her hair while she attempted to yank it all out of the ponytail I was attempting, twisting her head, and shrieking at the top of her lungs. She refused all offers of breakfast and demanded her Minion book. She threw it on the floor and demanded I get it again. Yeah, no. So, she got off of her chair, sat under the kitchen table and wailed. And wailed. And wailed. I said, "It's hard to get up in the morning isn't it?" "NO!" "Are you feeling frustrated that you couldn't stay in bed?" "NO!" "I bet you miss daddy." "NO!" And the wailing continued. Finally with 15 minutes to go before school, she agreed to eat breakfast. So I made her oatmeal, gave her water with probiotic and she sat there eating and laughing and enjoying herself like nothing had really gone awry this morning.
But then there is great piece of parenting advice that says, "you must model emotional regulation for your children." FAIL! How the hell do you do that? Now, the two meltdowns I just described, I did not lose my cool or yell at the kids. But, there are plenty of times when I do. I'm trying really hard to keep my anger and frustration in check, and some days I'm an utter failure. Some days I'm exhausted. Some days I just don't feel that great. Some days I'm exhausted. Some days don't go my way like the day I dealt with a screaming, shrieking Segunda at a doctor's appointment that took an hour and a half, got a flat tire on the way back to her school, was starving and still had work to get done. Some days I'm exhausted. My own failure in emotional regulation makes it easier for me to talk to Prima about her difficulties with her emotions because I can point to my own very recent failures and help her brainstorm. But it still sucks.
All the parenting advice in the world can't help with each individual circumstance. And there are times when Prima or Segunda are having a melt down or a temper tantrum and I just stare at them. They wonder why I'm just staring, but really I'm going through the catalog of advice in my head trying to figure out which one applies to this specific situation. Sometimes it takes me so long to sort through it all that by the time I have a plan, the tantrum is over.
So, my advice to you, when your kids are throwing a temper tantrum or having a meltdown, just stare at them for an uncomfortably long time.
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