MY Children
Tonight as I sat on the couch watching Downton Abbey with Prima asleep in my lap and Segunda prat falling on the floor at her father's feet, I thought about my children's birth mothers. I thought, "They are missing this. They are missing these beautiful faces. They are missing the introspection of Prima. They are missing the hilarity of Segunda." But then I thought, are they?
If Prima had never been abandoned, she would not be the same child she is today. I can say that with certainty. Every day she wonders who her birth mother is. Today she confirmed with us for the upteenth time that we would do a DNA swab when she turns 7. She is deeply hurt by other stories of abandonment. The movie Home was almost more than she could bear. Kung Fu Panda makes her weep. She sheds copious tears for her birth mother weekly. She worries over the feelings of others. She worries about fitting in. She laments the end of vacations before we have even begun the vacation. She loves her family and forever friends fiercely and is terrified that she will never see them again when we part. Abandonment is a very real and very present part of who she is. Her brain was re-wired when she was abandoned, not once, but twice. Studies show that children adopted out of institutions tend to be in the Gifted and Talented programs in their schools. Studies show that these children are problem solvers and tend to be independent in their thinking. Basically, these children are fighters because they had to be from infancy. I don't know what her birth mother would have gotten to experience with Prima because of the re-wiring in her brain.
Segunda is wickedly funny and always getting into mischief. But she has moments where she flies into a rage. She also gets very emotional when she falls down or trips. It makes her very sad. And when she is sad she hides. Of course, we don't allow her to hide, but hold her and soothe her. Often it's just me and her sitting in a quiet room talking about what hurt her and that mommy is right here to help her no matter what. Some day she will come to us when she hurts instead of hiding. That hiding is a direct result of her abandonment. That emotion and sadness when she falls or trips - same thing. But she too is a fighter. This child can run and jump at the age of 3. At the age of 2, she couldn't walk. She not only walks, but walks heel-toe. I watched her interact with a friend the other day and when she changed direction, she spun around on one foot. That's remarkable progress. She was very quiet a year ago and now she never stops talking.
My children are fighters. And we fight alongside them. We fight for their health, in the case of Segunda. We fight for their emotional well being. Sometimes, we lose the fight because we have discovered our own limits that day. But most days we break even or come out ahead. As I write this, Segunda is rubbing my back and trying to give me her blanket. I am lucky in my children. They are the most wonderful thing to happen to me and Husband. They light up our lives in ways I didn't know were possible. And when I gaze upon their sleeping faces, I think of their birth mothers and I'm grief stricken as though they came from my body and are no longer a part of me. I cannot imagine their grief and I hope it lessens with each passing day. I hope they know, somehow, how loved their daughters are. I hope they know that we are fighting alongside our daughters and that they are not alone in the world.
If Prima had never been abandoned, she would not be the same child she is today. I can say that with certainty. Every day she wonders who her birth mother is. Today she confirmed with us for the upteenth time that we would do a DNA swab when she turns 7. She is deeply hurt by other stories of abandonment. The movie Home was almost more than she could bear. Kung Fu Panda makes her weep. She sheds copious tears for her birth mother weekly. She worries over the feelings of others. She worries about fitting in. She laments the end of vacations before we have even begun the vacation. She loves her family and forever friends fiercely and is terrified that she will never see them again when we part. Abandonment is a very real and very present part of who she is. Her brain was re-wired when she was abandoned, not once, but twice. Studies show that children adopted out of institutions tend to be in the Gifted and Talented programs in their schools. Studies show that these children are problem solvers and tend to be independent in their thinking. Basically, these children are fighters because they had to be from infancy. I don't know what her birth mother would have gotten to experience with Prima because of the re-wiring in her brain.
Segunda is wickedly funny and always getting into mischief. But she has moments where she flies into a rage. She also gets very emotional when she falls down or trips. It makes her very sad. And when she is sad she hides. Of course, we don't allow her to hide, but hold her and soothe her. Often it's just me and her sitting in a quiet room talking about what hurt her and that mommy is right here to help her no matter what. Some day she will come to us when she hurts instead of hiding. That hiding is a direct result of her abandonment. That emotion and sadness when she falls or trips - same thing. But she too is a fighter. This child can run and jump at the age of 3. At the age of 2, she couldn't walk. She not only walks, but walks heel-toe. I watched her interact with a friend the other day and when she changed direction, she spun around on one foot. That's remarkable progress. She was very quiet a year ago and now she never stops talking.
My children are fighters. And we fight alongside them. We fight for their health, in the case of Segunda. We fight for their emotional well being. Sometimes, we lose the fight because we have discovered our own limits that day. But most days we break even or come out ahead. As I write this, Segunda is rubbing my back and trying to give me her blanket. I am lucky in my children. They are the most wonderful thing to happen to me and Husband. They light up our lives in ways I didn't know were possible. And when I gaze upon their sleeping faces, I think of their birth mothers and I'm grief stricken as though they came from my body and are no longer a part of me. I cannot imagine their grief and I hope it lessens with each passing day. I hope they know, somehow, how loved their daughters are. I hope they know that we are fighting alongside our daughters and that they are not alone in the world.
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