Birthdays Can Suck

Yesterday was Prima's birthday. She was excited about her presents and dinner out. It was announced at school during morning announcements. Yay! And then ...

This morning she was off. She was saying mean things to her sister and wouldn't stop. She was very very distracted. She wouldn't help tidy up the family room. I had her sit with me in the dining room for breakfast instead of the kitchen so that I could talk to her. As we talked she melted. Big. I carried her kicking, punching, flailing self upstairs and got her blankets and wrapped her up. I held her and she screamed and shrieked and writhed. And it dawned on me. This is not only her birthday, but also the time when she was left abandoned as a newborn baby on the sidewalk in winter time. Her body remembers that. I can imagine nothing more terrifying than being an infant left alone on a sidewalk in the cold and nobody is coming when you cry from the cold and hunger and being alone. An infant has no ability to defend herself. An infant can't feed herself. An infant can't find shelter. An infant is the true definition of helpless. And there she lay until morning when a shop keeper spotted a bundle on the sidewalk across the street and found her. How many hours did she lay on that sidewalk cold, hungry and terrified? Maybe it was only a matter of minutes. We don't know. 

But we do know that the woman who should have been holding her and feeding her and adoring her newborn baby was not able to and this was the path she chose for her daughter. Prima was grieving this morning. Grieving hard. I'm glad I realized it and could just hold her like her birth mother did not seven years ago. She wasn't done grieving when it was time to go to school. I also know that she does much better if we continue to follow her routine. I put a stuffed animal in her backpack as a talisman for her to have for the day. She seemed to relax when I did that. But she said that her teacher doesn't allow stuffed animals in backpacks under any circumstances. I told her to tell her teacher that her mommy put it in her back pack and to please talk to her mommy about it. I told her that I was confident that her teacher would make an exception because was a caring and good teacher. Fortunately she has before-care before she gets to school and her teacher in that setting is compassionate and understands Prima very well. I know that she will be sent off to school feeling much better. Daddy has agreed to pick her up early and let her veg on the couch with the TV or YouTube. And I will smother her in snuggles when I get home. 

So, parents of adopted children, please remember this if your kids become uncontrollable around their birthdays or around the day that they were abandoned. They aren't being naughty. Their body has taken over and is grief stricken. Love them, hold them, and be the parent they need you to be at that time. Don't punish or isolate. From one mother to another, please remember that your baby has gone through much in their short lives and they need you more than ever.