Parenting in Middle Age
There are advantages to waiting to have kids until you are older. You can afford all of the lessons that they want. You can go on vacation. You can contribute to your 401(k). And if you're really lucky, you can save for your kids to go to college.
Before I launch into the downsides, I have to apologize for all of this. I feel guilty even having problems with what is going on in the world and in particularly the US. It's appalling. So, I'm sorry.
But here goes ...
Having kids when you are older means that you go through perimenopause when your youngest child is a toddler. Having a threenager and a menopausal woman in the house at the same time is a recipe for disaster.
My particular threenager is VERY destructive. She draws on everything. Let me repeat that. She. Draws. On. Everything. Couch, table, floor, chairs, ottoman, wall. She used to have an easel and she spent her time drawing on everything but. She has coloring books and colors on the chairs instead. She has blank paper to write on, she chooses her own body and the couch. She is now not allowed to write unless I am sitting right next to her and supervising her every move. You can imagine how often the child gets a writing utensil.
This threenager shreds books for the sheer glee of shredding things. Hearing that ripping sound is wonderfully satisfying. We have given her ream after ream of paper she is allowed to tear and she always manages to find the book that we can never get again and begins tearing that to shreds. She started in on that book yesterday and I took it away and then shouted right into her face telling her exactly what I thought of that behavior. I lost my mind for about 15 seconds. She backed away with giant tears coursing down her plump little cheeks. I immediately got in front of her and apologized profusely for shouting at her. I told her "I should not have yelled at you and I'm so very sorry." She let me pick her up and she buried her head in my shoulder for a good cry. Because you see, I can't keep it together. This child knows exactly which buttons to push and gets to watch mama lose her shit all over our little clown car of a household.
And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to stop shouting at my family. I don't want to shout. I want to have the right answers and I want to have them at a reasonable speaking level. And I want my children to pay attention to me when I'm speaking to them. I know all the things you are supposed to do and I can't seem to do it. Get down at their level and talk right into their face in a low tone; whisper to them; stand silently until you have their attention; etc. etc.
Part of it is that my entire body hurts. It just hurts all the time. Right now the primary problem is my left ankle. It's been swollen for 4 weeks now and I limp a bit when I walk with tennis shoes on, which I primarily wear for the added support. I do my required stretches and they send a burning pain up my calf but I soldier on. When I sleep my lower back hurts, so I sleep on my side and my hip starts hurting, so I turn onto my back and that starts hurting, so it's back onto my side. I wake up with tension headaches, pain in my jaw from clenching all night long, and a neck ache that just won't go away. Right?! Stupid crap that probably everybody feels, but it's upsetting to be falling apart. I took the girls for a walk yesterday and I had a searing pain that ran up the right side of my lower leg, but I kept walking and talking and forcing myself to enjoy the quiet morning with my girls in the sunshine.
And then I sit down to try and catch a few minutes of relaxation on a Sunday afternoon and they commence fighting and destroying everything in sight. I gaze longingly at my book and my glass of nice cold water and then watch the children go at it.
I can't live in the moment. I can't embrace the now. All I seem to see is the work involved in every little thing. This morning, I reminded Prima to wear a particular swimsuit because she and her friend agreed to match today; I dressed Segunda and we had to change shoes twice; then hair and teeth which involves braids of some sort and a gripe over tooth brushing; then oatmeal for Segunda and waffle with honey for Prima; superglue a barrette back together; prepare my snacks for the day; drink my shake; load the dishwasher; load the car with swim bags and bags of sleep stuff for school; start grocery list; then school dropoff and head to work; make list of lunch hour errands; work; lunch hour errands; work; pick up kids; home for Prima to change into karate uniform; off to karate; home to cook dinner; eat; do dishes; throw in a load of laundry; up to bed for story time and sleep.
Yes, I've lost my enjoyment. And my kids are funny and curious and they live life. Segunda loves nothing more than running full speed from one end of the house to the other. Prima loves to practice her bo staff kata in the backyard. Segunda loves to dance and crack jokes. Prima loves to read and practice math.
I'm the one with the problem. They are not the problem. I want to be clear about that. My children are NOT the problem. I am. I'm working on lifestyle changes. I'm trying to keep up the meal planning and healthier eating. I'm trying to cut out gluten because I think that's part of the inflammation problems. I've started taking turmeric to help with the inflammation. I'm seeing a physical therapist to help me with my body. I'm trying to drink more water. I'm trying to read for pleasure more. When faced with an activity that just looks like work, but will be fun for my kids, I'm trying to shove down my temptation to say NO because the kids deserve better. I'm trying. I really really am. I just wish I were better at living in the now. I wish I were better at just loving my kids for who they are. I wish I could just stop shouting at them right now this second. And I'm trying. I really really am.
Before I launch into the downsides, I have to apologize for all of this. I feel guilty even having problems with what is going on in the world and in particularly the US. It's appalling. So, I'm sorry.
But here goes ...
Having kids when you are older means that you go through perimenopause when your youngest child is a toddler. Having a threenager and a menopausal woman in the house at the same time is a recipe for disaster.
My particular threenager is VERY destructive. She draws on everything. Let me repeat that. She. Draws. On. Everything. Couch, table, floor, chairs, ottoman, wall. She used to have an easel and she spent her time drawing on everything but. She has coloring books and colors on the chairs instead. She has blank paper to write on, she chooses her own body and the couch. She is now not allowed to write unless I am sitting right next to her and supervising her every move. You can imagine how often the child gets a writing utensil.
This threenager shreds books for the sheer glee of shredding things. Hearing that ripping sound is wonderfully satisfying. We have given her ream after ream of paper she is allowed to tear and she always manages to find the book that we can never get again and begins tearing that to shreds. She started in on that book yesterday and I took it away and then shouted right into her face telling her exactly what I thought of that behavior. I lost my mind for about 15 seconds. She backed away with giant tears coursing down her plump little cheeks. I immediately got in front of her and apologized profusely for shouting at her. I told her "I should not have yelled at you and I'm so very sorry." She let me pick her up and she buried her head in my shoulder for a good cry. Because you see, I can't keep it together. This child knows exactly which buttons to push and gets to watch mama lose her shit all over our little clown car of a household.
And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to stop shouting at my family. I don't want to shout. I want to have the right answers and I want to have them at a reasonable speaking level. And I want my children to pay attention to me when I'm speaking to them. I know all the things you are supposed to do and I can't seem to do it. Get down at their level and talk right into their face in a low tone; whisper to them; stand silently until you have their attention; etc. etc.
Part of it is that my entire body hurts. It just hurts all the time. Right now the primary problem is my left ankle. It's been swollen for 4 weeks now and I limp a bit when I walk with tennis shoes on, which I primarily wear for the added support. I do my required stretches and they send a burning pain up my calf but I soldier on. When I sleep my lower back hurts, so I sleep on my side and my hip starts hurting, so I turn onto my back and that starts hurting, so it's back onto my side. I wake up with tension headaches, pain in my jaw from clenching all night long, and a neck ache that just won't go away. Right?! Stupid crap that probably everybody feels, but it's upsetting to be falling apart. I took the girls for a walk yesterday and I had a searing pain that ran up the right side of my lower leg, but I kept walking and talking and forcing myself to enjoy the quiet morning with my girls in the sunshine.
And then I sit down to try and catch a few minutes of relaxation on a Sunday afternoon and they commence fighting and destroying everything in sight. I gaze longingly at my book and my glass of nice cold water and then watch the children go at it.
I can't live in the moment. I can't embrace the now. All I seem to see is the work involved in every little thing. This morning, I reminded Prima to wear a particular swimsuit because she and her friend agreed to match today; I dressed Segunda and we had to change shoes twice; then hair and teeth which involves braids of some sort and a gripe over tooth brushing; then oatmeal for Segunda and waffle with honey for Prima; superglue a barrette back together; prepare my snacks for the day; drink my shake; load the dishwasher; load the car with swim bags and bags of sleep stuff for school; start grocery list; then school dropoff and head to work; make list of lunch hour errands; work; lunch hour errands; work; pick up kids; home for Prima to change into karate uniform; off to karate; home to cook dinner; eat; do dishes; throw in a load of laundry; up to bed for story time and sleep.
Yes, I've lost my enjoyment. And my kids are funny and curious and they live life. Segunda loves nothing more than running full speed from one end of the house to the other. Prima loves to practice her bo staff kata in the backyard. Segunda loves to dance and crack jokes. Prima loves to read and practice math.
I'm the one with the problem. They are not the problem. I want to be clear about that. My children are NOT the problem. I am. I'm working on lifestyle changes. I'm trying to keep up the meal planning and healthier eating. I'm trying to cut out gluten because I think that's part of the inflammation problems. I've started taking turmeric to help with the inflammation. I'm seeing a physical therapist to help me with my body. I'm trying to drink more water. I'm trying to read for pleasure more. When faced with an activity that just looks like work, but will be fun for my kids, I'm trying to shove down my temptation to say NO because the kids deserve better. I'm trying. I really really am. I just wish I were better at living in the now. I wish I were better at just loving my kids for who they are. I wish I could just stop shouting at them right now this second. And I'm trying. I really really am.
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