In Over My Head
3:47 a.m. Segunda starts in with the sugar vomits. I grab her and fly out of bed and we make it to the toilet. There she stands hugging the bowl, hair in her face, vomiting up bile.
"Mama, my hair all wet." I wiped her face with a wet cloth and held her hair out of her face until she was done. "Sorry, Mama." Do you want to feel small? Listen to your toddler apologize to you for throwing up. It is disconcerting to stand over your 3, almost 4, year old holding her hair like she is a drunken sorority girl in the wee hours of the morning.
"Mama, my belly button hurt."
"Are you hungry?"
Nods head.
We headed downstairs where she took baby sips of Glucerna and ate two teensy bites of dry toast. She promptly threw up again.
"Mama, want go up tayahs."
Husband laid out a beach towel on the bed just in case. She threw up one more time in the toilet and then slept for an hour and a half.
Meanwhile, I laid in bed and cried and cried and cried. For an hour. My eyes feel like a gravel pit. Husband snuggling the back of Segunda, rested his warm hand on my arm and let me talk and talk. How do we get it right? What do we do? When I was downstairs with Segunda, I was reviewing the food diary from the day before. Carbs, carbs and more carbs. School doesn't give her dairy because she can't have it, but they don't replace the protein. Husband and Prima were planning an Adventure Day today and I was sad for Prima thinking that this would keep her from her Adventure Day. I was sad because once again she was going to get the shaft due to the health issues of her sister. And I kept on crying. I couldn't stop. I was thinking that because I took the day off yesterday to spend it with Prima, I couldn't take today off to take care of Segunda. There aren't enough hours in the day to get all of my work done, strategize as needed, research Segunda's health issue du jour, figure out new, more effective ways to parent Prima, meal plan appropriately for Segunda's health issues, cook, clean, karate, and on and on.
At 6:00 a.m., Segunda woke up like everything was perfectly normal. Her sense of humor was in place. She was goofy. She ate half a bowl of banana-nut oatmeal (the high protein kind) and took a few sips of heavily diluted apple juice. On our way out the door, Segunda hollered to Husband and Prima, "Bye, have a good day guys!" Because I know it was the sugar vomits and not a virus, I took her to school and spoke with them about replacing the protein for her. They readily agreed and we will be bringing in some substitutes as well.
The standard advice is - don't compare yourself to others. It's good advice. When I do I come up short. Like waaaaaay short. My neighbor's mother-in-law told me on Sunday that times were much harder when she was raising her child because she worked full time and would never dream of asking her husband for help with anything and it didn't occur to her husband to pitch in. She did it all. She was the first generation of women struggling to figure it all out. We have made progress. We have a solid division of labor in our household. And yet it's still too much. Working full time and trying to get that right; mothering full time and trying to get that right. I feel like I'm failing at both, but I'm not giving up. Back to not comparing yourself to others. I can't help but think of my friends who have many beautiful children with special needs and somehow they handle it all with grace and beauty and guns blazing. These mothers seem to have it all together. I'm sure they have their weak moments, as I did this morning and am shaking it off as the day progresses. And these mothers are my heroes. They have the most beautiful, complicated children and they are tireless in their fight for their babies. I only have 2 children and I struggle like mad.
Let the struggle continue - I'm all in and continue to the fight for my babies. Thanks for listening.
"Mama, my hair all wet." I wiped her face with a wet cloth and held her hair out of her face until she was done. "Sorry, Mama." Do you want to feel small? Listen to your toddler apologize to you for throwing up. It is disconcerting to stand over your 3, almost 4, year old holding her hair like she is a drunken sorority girl in the wee hours of the morning.
"Mama, my belly button hurt."
"Are you hungry?"
Nods head.
We headed downstairs where she took baby sips of Glucerna and ate two teensy bites of dry toast. She promptly threw up again.
"Mama, want go up tayahs."
Husband laid out a beach towel on the bed just in case. She threw up one more time in the toilet and then slept for an hour and a half.
Meanwhile, I laid in bed and cried and cried and cried. For an hour. My eyes feel like a gravel pit. Husband snuggling the back of Segunda, rested his warm hand on my arm and let me talk and talk. How do we get it right? What do we do? When I was downstairs with Segunda, I was reviewing the food diary from the day before. Carbs, carbs and more carbs. School doesn't give her dairy because she can't have it, but they don't replace the protein. Husband and Prima were planning an Adventure Day today and I was sad for Prima thinking that this would keep her from her Adventure Day. I was sad because once again she was going to get the shaft due to the health issues of her sister. And I kept on crying. I couldn't stop. I was thinking that because I took the day off yesterday to spend it with Prima, I couldn't take today off to take care of Segunda. There aren't enough hours in the day to get all of my work done, strategize as needed, research Segunda's health issue du jour, figure out new, more effective ways to parent Prima, meal plan appropriately for Segunda's health issues, cook, clean, karate, and on and on.
At 6:00 a.m., Segunda woke up like everything was perfectly normal. Her sense of humor was in place. She was goofy. She ate half a bowl of banana-nut oatmeal (the high protein kind) and took a few sips of heavily diluted apple juice. On our way out the door, Segunda hollered to Husband and Prima, "Bye, have a good day guys!" Because I know it was the sugar vomits and not a virus, I took her to school and spoke with them about replacing the protein for her. They readily agreed and we will be bringing in some substitutes as well.
The standard advice is - don't compare yourself to others. It's good advice. When I do I come up short. Like waaaaaay short. My neighbor's mother-in-law told me on Sunday that times were much harder when she was raising her child because she worked full time and would never dream of asking her husband for help with anything and it didn't occur to her husband to pitch in. She did it all. She was the first generation of women struggling to figure it all out. We have made progress. We have a solid division of labor in our household. And yet it's still too much. Working full time and trying to get that right; mothering full time and trying to get that right. I feel like I'm failing at both, but I'm not giving up. Back to not comparing yourself to others. I can't help but think of my friends who have many beautiful children with special needs and somehow they handle it all with grace and beauty and guns blazing. These mothers seem to have it all together. I'm sure they have their weak moments, as I did this morning and am shaking it off as the day progresses. And these mothers are my heroes. They have the most beautiful, complicated children and they are tireless in their fight for their babies. I only have 2 children and I struggle like mad.
Let the struggle continue - I'm all in and continue to the fight for my babies. Thanks for listening.
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