This is Us ... Yes, This Is Us

*** Spoiler Alert - I may give away some things, so don't read if you haven't watched ***

The new show on NBC, This is Us, is resonating with the adoption community, particularly those families who are transracial. 

In the last 2 episodes, Randall, the adopted black son who completes the "triplets" in the family, discovers that his mother knew his birth father since the day she left the hospital. Randall struggles mightily with this knowledge and his identity as a result. The show focuses on Randall's struggles and just touches on his mother's agony. It's clear that she was wrong from the outset. And there is very little sympathy spared for her in the show. It's Randall we are worried about. Last night I laid in bed in a puddle of tears as I watched the latest episode where Randall works through his feelings as best as he can with the help of a trippy mushroom shake. We see his memories of his dad working so hard to give him the foundation he needs and find him strong black male role models. His father puts himself in acutely uncomfortable situations because he knows it's what is best for his son. It is one of the most beautiful father/son relationships I have even seen on a tv show. 

Because my brain doesn't know when to go to sleep, I kept thinking about Randall and his mom. She knew his birth father and she kept it a secret. She did it because she was terrified that someone would take her son away. But her terror does not excuse this terrible mistake. She kept her son from his father and a vital piece of his identity that he was clearly seeking as a child. 

This touches the adoption community in so many ways. Some parents adopt domestically and know their child's birth parents and have an open relationship. Some adopt domestically and have a closed relationship. Some parents adopt internationally and have no idea who their children's birth parents are. Some find them. Some don't look. When we started the process, we chose China for a multitude of reasons: 1) the domestic system is broken; 2) we were terrified of someone taking away our child because the birth parents wanted him/her back (sound familiar); 3) if we adopted internationally we felt somewhat sheltered in the knowledge that nobody would come looking; 4) China has a good system with very few babies up for adoption due to black market practices.

I chose China because I didn't want anybody coming for my babies. Adopted parents live in fear that someone will change their mind. We fought so hard for our children and waited months or years for the match and green light. We took classes. We submitted to background checks. We had references write letters. We were visited by social workers again and again and again. We felt that there was extra scrutiny on us and there was and is. 

And like Randall's father in the show, we work hard to build a foundation for our children and find them Chinese role models they can look up to. We teach them about all the wonderful things that are China. We have done the DNA on one and will do the other when she can manufacture enough spit. We will look. If we find, my heart will simultaneously break and sing with joy. I want my girls to know their birth parents. I want my girls to love their birth parents. I want my girls to never forget me, their mama who loves them more than I ever thought possible. The mama who nursed their scrapes, the mama who paced the floor with them in the middle of the night while they screamed in terror of some unknown monster, the mama who held their hair when they got sick, the mama who filmed their school plays and Chinese New Year performances, the mama who took them on heritage tours of their birth country, the mama who fostered their loves and nurtured their brains and imagination. Adoptive moms understand Randall's mom. We live in terror every day that we will lose our children. The children who are our hearts walking around outside of our bodies. If and when they find their birth moms, they could be gone forever. And I will facilitate that journey no matter the cost to me. Because they are my heart. Randall broke my heart. His mom broke my heart. His dad lifted me back up. He reminded me that my role as mother to my children born from another mother is vital. I cannot shirk that duty no matter how much it may hurt. I have the charge of two beautiful children who are full of love and life. They are mine forever, but I have to acknowledge that I may not be theirs forever.