I Had No Idea

Before I had kids, I didn't know there was a such a thing non-neuro-typical.

I had no idea it would be this hard.
I had no idea that being a mom was so heartbreaking so consistently.
I had no idea that being a mom could be so soul-sucking.
I knew about the love, but had no idea how overpowering it is.
I had no idea I would want to hold my children as closely as possible while desperate to push them away.

I didn't understand that children of deep trauma talked from the time they woke up until they fell asleep and sometimes in their sleep.
I didn't understand that my own desperate need for quiet and solitude would get more intense the more they talked.
I didn't understand that perfectionism is a diagnosable thing and that every medical professional and teacher would talk to me about it as though I could somehow make it stop.
I didn't understand how many meetings with teachers I would have to have just to explain my children to them.
I didn't know that children could have multiple mental health diagnoses before they hit adolescence.

I had no idea that raising two kids while going through menopause would be so hard.
I had no idea that I would have to role play with my children what to tell other children when they ask about scars invisible and visible.
I had no idea that children can feel destructive, all consuming rage.
I had no idea that children aimed that rage at their mothers because their mothers could take it.
I had no idea how terrifying and exhausting it would all be.

I didn't understand that there really isn't time away from traumatized children.
I didn't understand that nobody else could really care for them the way they need to be cared for.
I didn't understand that anything can trigger a flight response.
I didn't understand that I had to be ready in a split second to race after a terrified child who tried to run from the moment.
I didn't understand that I would lose myself in my children.

I had no idea that people truly don't understand the needs of my babies.
I had no idea the whispers, the stares, the turned backs from happy families with typical kids would really happen.
I had no idea the amount of judgment that would be heaped upon me and my children for being who we are.
I had no idea how many would rather we didn't exist.
I had no idea it would be this hard.

You can't beat the mental health issues out of a child.
You can't isolate the mental health issues out of a child.
You can't ignore the mental health issues out of a child.
You can't shout the mental health issues out of a child.
You can't tell them to try harder.

You must hold your children tight and keep them safe.
You must support them and love them and try not to beat your own head against a wall.
You must learn about weighted blankets, stockpile suckers and bandaids, burrito-wrap your children in the throes, deep breathe with them, put sensory swings in their rooms, learn about body brushing, nightly massages, and discover the evils of sugar.
You must understand that you will be abused physically and emotionally by your children and it does no good to punish; you'll just go backwards if you do. You must understand that you will fight with and for your children multiple times a day.
You must give of yourself more than you ever thought possible all to help your children grow into beautiful, giving human beings with confidence and strength and hopefully contentment. May we, as parents, find contentment then too.