The "Present" Parent?
I saw a pin on Pinterest, pinned it in fact, that said "I missed the memo that said we ladies are now expected to not only to hold down jobs but also to knit, craft and bake from scratch again all while having washboard abs."
Then I got to thinking about what it's like to be a wife, parent, and a colleague. The societal pressures are intense, the pressures we put on ourselves are even more so.
Why do I feel the need to do it all? My husband travels a fair amount for business. So it's often just me and Turtle. Our daily routine is: get up, get ready, put laundry in the dryer, get Turtle ready, breakfast, pack lunch, maybe put dinner in the crockpot depending on what we're having, load the dishwasher (maybe even unload the dishwasher), drop Turtle at school, go to work, work, run errands at lunch, work some more, pick Turtle up from school, home, cook something healthy for dinner, eat, clean up, bathtime, pajamas, fold laundry, put it away, put more laundry in the washing machine (and I don't even have her in soccer, dance, etc - full disclosure, she does take swimming and Chinese lessons on the weekends) .... by this time it's about 7:00 and I enjoy sitting down in the Family Room while Turtle entertains herself and reading a book or checking Facebook.
But there is an incredible amount of judgment around mothers who dare to check their smart phones for Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, etc., or if they crack the cover on a book while their child is awake. You are not "present" for your child if you are on your smart phone or reading a book. How dare you? Why do you feel the need to be on your phone when your child is with you? Can't your book wait?
But let's think about this. When I was a kid, my mother obviously did not have a smart phone. We had a phone that hung on the wall with a really really long phone cord that could be stretched all over the house. This enabled my mother to talk on the phone and do whatever chore she happened to be doing at the time. This was very acceptable behavior. She could yammer at her girlfriends for hours while dusting, doing the dishes, filing her fingernails, etc. Nobody thought she was a terrible mother because she wasn't "present" for us. My mother also read incessantly. I did not feel neglected because she had her nose stuck in a book. In fact, more often than not, I had my nose stuck in a book.
So, why is it so wrong for mothers today to be on their phones or read a book for *gasp* pleasure. Why do we have to be constantly present for our children? Isn't it good for them to entertain themselves? Isn't it good for them to solve their own puzzles and riddles? And when we do leave our children to their own devices some well-meaning adult walks over to your child and starts asking inane questions "Do you like Lightning McQueen?" And then said adult gets angry because the child won't answer as they are engrossed in their activity and besides, it's a stupid question.
I want my child to tune me out. I want her to be so engrossed in what she is doing or watching or reading that she doesn't even know I'm there. I feel like that would be a parenting win. And I want, no I have the right, to sit next to her and read or check Facebook, or Pinterest without the judging eyes of society.
The best gift I can give my child is independence and she can't get that if I'm hovering over her every waking moment of her day. And in our household, with a child that has attachment anxiety, fostering independence is particularly important. Letting her know that it's okay for her to play with Legos while I check Facebook is a gift. Helping her realize that I can read a book while she colors is something she will learn from. She is independent from me and the sooner she realizes that the better. She won't learn it very fast if I am always "present."
She will learn that it is okay for her to do her own thing too: she can choose to read a book, color a picture, look at favorite videos on YouTube (yes there are rules around YouTube), or just sit and daydream. My vote would be daydreaming.
I am feeling compelled to include that I am present for my daughter most of the time. We often cook dinner together, read stories, play board games, and I'm there for school performances, Chinese New Year celebrations, every swim lesson and every playdate. I'm there when she asks questions about her history. But she will cease to have questions, if I am there answering them all before she can even think of them. So, I say, bring on the daydreaming.
Then I got to thinking about what it's like to be a wife, parent, and a colleague. The societal pressures are intense, the pressures we put on ourselves are even more so.
Why do I feel the need to do it all? My husband travels a fair amount for business. So it's often just me and Turtle. Our daily routine is: get up, get ready, put laundry in the dryer, get Turtle ready, breakfast, pack lunch, maybe put dinner in the crockpot depending on what we're having, load the dishwasher (maybe even unload the dishwasher), drop Turtle at school, go to work, work, run errands at lunch, work some more, pick Turtle up from school, home, cook something healthy for dinner, eat, clean up, bathtime, pajamas, fold laundry, put it away, put more laundry in the washing machine (and I don't even have her in soccer, dance, etc - full disclosure, she does take swimming and Chinese lessons on the weekends) .... by this time it's about 7:00 and I enjoy sitting down in the Family Room while Turtle entertains herself and reading a book or checking Facebook.
But there is an incredible amount of judgment around mothers who dare to check their smart phones for Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram, etc., or if they crack the cover on a book while their child is awake. You are not "present" for your child if you are on your smart phone or reading a book. How dare you? Why do you feel the need to be on your phone when your child is with you? Can't your book wait?
But let's think about this. When I was a kid, my mother obviously did not have a smart phone. We had a phone that hung on the wall with a really really long phone cord that could be stretched all over the house. This enabled my mother to talk on the phone and do whatever chore she happened to be doing at the time. This was very acceptable behavior. She could yammer at her girlfriends for hours while dusting, doing the dishes, filing her fingernails, etc. Nobody thought she was a terrible mother because she wasn't "present" for us. My mother also read incessantly. I did not feel neglected because she had her nose stuck in a book. In fact, more often than not, I had my nose stuck in a book.
So, why is it so wrong for mothers today to be on their phones or read a book for *gasp* pleasure. Why do we have to be constantly present for our children? Isn't it good for them to entertain themselves? Isn't it good for them to solve their own puzzles and riddles? And when we do leave our children to their own devices some well-meaning adult walks over to your child and starts asking inane questions "Do you like Lightning McQueen?" And then said adult gets angry because the child won't answer as they are engrossed in their activity and besides, it's a stupid question.
I want my child to tune me out. I want her to be so engrossed in what she is doing or watching or reading that she doesn't even know I'm there. I feel like that would be a parenting win. And I want, no I have the right, to sit next to her and read or check Facebook, or Pinterest without the judging eyes of society.
The best gift I can give my child is independence and she can't get that if I'm hovering over her every waking moment of her day. And in our household, with a child that has attachment anxiety, fostering independence is particularly important. Letting her know that it's okay for her to play with Legos while I check Facebook is a gift. Helping her realize that I can read a book while she colors is something she will learn from. She is independent from me and the sooner she realizes that the better. She won't learn it very fast if I am always "present."
She will learn that it is okay for her to do her own thing too: she can choose to read a book, color a picture, look at favorite videos on YouTube (yes there are rules around YouTube), or just sit and daydream. My vote would be daydreaming.
I am feeling compelled to include that I am present for my daughter most of the time. We often cook dinner together, read stories, play board games, and I'm there for school performances, Chinese New Year celebrations, every swim lesson and every playdate. I'm there when she asks questions about her history. But she will cease to have questions, if I am there answering them all before she can even think of them. So, I say, bring on the daydreaming.
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