Horcruxes

Voldemort splits his soul into 7 pieces and puts them in horcruxes so that he can live forever. But the damage is done. He is only 1/7 of a person and is barely alive.

Maybe this is a pity party, maybe it's nerves, maybe it's anxiety, but I feel like I have been divided into many pieces. Just hanging on, clinging to reality and hoping I get it all right somehow. I've posted in some groups on Facebook about the struggle we are having involving our oldest, Prima. And the moms have helped me and supported me. I guess I just need more shoring up, so I'm putting it here too. 

Prima is almost 9 years old and never wanted a little sister. There are so many sweet moments with the two of them, I can't keep track. They build forts together, they play Pokemon together, they watch tv together, they build Legos together. And yet, Prima heaps vitriol on her sister in great big buckets of hate. And she heaps vitriol on me. Segunda is having a big surgery on Monday and it involves an overnight stay in the hospital with me. I know that at the heart of Prima's daily verbal attacks on her sister and me is this hospital stay in a few short days. But in the moment, that doesn't make it easier to handle. Segunda is nervous and hyper and very active. She is asking questions about it and we are answering them. She is making suggestions on what we should pack for our stay and so far all suggestions are receiving a yes.

Prima really struggles with the idea that her mom won't be at home for a night. Her dad is perfectly capable of caring for her and will be making it fun and special. But it's not enough. We have given her a social story around what will happen and in what order so that she knows where everyone will be and what is expected of her. She continues to do her activities outside of school, in other words maintain her routine. And yet it's not enough. The things she says to me about Segunda hurt me. "I hate my sister. I want her to go back to China. She is so annoying. She doesn't play Pokemon right. I hate this family. I want a different family. I'm running away." These are normal things for her feel and normal things for her to say. For months and months and years I have told her, "It's okay to feel that way. I understand." And so on. But I can't take it anymore. 

Advice givers have said to spend one-on-one time with Prima. I do that. Every single day. I give her 30 - 60 minutes of one-on-one time every. single. day. We read Harry Potter together. We do her puzzle and talk. I sit with her while she hangs out in her cuddle swing. We have gone to movies together. We have gone to lunch together. We run errands together and get good talks in. I'm reading her favorite book series right now so that we can talk about it. Do people think I'm ignoring her and letting her wallow in misery while I dote on Segunda? Nothing could be further from the truth. Meanwhile, Segunda is entertaining herself in her room, playing with PlayDoh in the kitchen, loving on the dog and occasionally peaking in on us to see if we're done yet -- but she doesn't disturb us because she knows that is special Prima - Mommy time. Segunda's special time - I take her to doctor's appointments and we sometimes talk on the drives and while we're waiting for doctors. We do have our best talks in the car. She helps me cook once in awhile and that's good one-on-one time with her. And she is the one going through a major medical procedure and I feel like she is almost neglected as we fight through the anxiety-riddled morass that is Prima. 

It is a difficult logistical road to travel when there are so many competing priorities. Multiple doctor's appointments every week, multiple after school activities, multiple medical professionals to juggle, insurance to manage, family calendars, IEPs, temporary medical plans at school, full time job, car problems, house appliance problems, husband's travel schedule, and above all the emotional needs of every one in the family. Nobody in our family is less valued than anyone else, but everyone feels less valued. I think about how to meet their needs constantly. I'm never not thinking about that. Prima's needs, how about I do this for her; Segunda is feeling nervous, how about I do this for her; husband has a work deadline, how about I prepare this in advance; and on and on, and yet it's not enough. Nobody is getting enough. I would like to get better at helping Prima meet her own needs, but she is incredibly resistant. 

I know that this is a short-lived, very temporary issue for our family. But the trenches are a hard place to be. They are full of quick decisions under fire, hot tempers, low patience, deep breathing, carving out quiet spaces whenever possible, and trying desperately not to panic as one child has a full-throttle meltdown while the other looks ever the wounded animal over lack of attention. This is why I feel like I've been split into too many pieces and I need to find my whole again. But that can't happen until this is over and then I won't need it. If you read this far, thank you. Just getting it out there helps immeasurably.