Bullying in Preschool
I'll admit I was in the dark around bullying at such a young age. I truly didn't expect to have to help my daughter navigate the dark corridors of dealing with a bully at age 4. But she is and we are navigating as best we can.
Turtle has a friend in school I'll call Jane. Jane dominates Turtle's life at school. She takes charge and doesn't allow Turtle to deviate. Yes, that's right. I said Jane doesn't ALLOW Turtle to do anything but what Jane wants and how Jane wants it. She doesn't respect Turtle's personal space insisting on hugs when I pick Turtle up from school. When Turtle tells Jane she doesn't want a hug, Jane practically knocks her over in her efforts to smother her leaving Turtle upset and often in tears.
The conversations we have after school are disturbing because of the language Turtle uses: "she won't let me ..." "I'm not allowed to ..." It's no exaggeration to say I'm terrified of that language. "Jane won't let me play with other kids." "Jane won't let me do what I want. We always have to what she wants." "Jane makes the rules." Yikes! This has been going on for weeks and probably a few months before it became pervasive enough for us to be aware of it (since it only happens at school, obviously). She is now getting in trouble at school because she is following the lead of Jane. I observed one up close when I stayed at school to allow Turtle to hear a story. She was sitting next to Jane who was nudging her and doing things to make her laugh and basically the two of them were a nuisance during storytime. The teacher separated them, and Turtle turned her attention back to the teacher, but Jane continued her behavior: taking her shirt off, trying to crawl back to Turtle, etc.
I called the teacher the next day to see how we could team up. I expressed concern over Turtle allowing Jane to make her decisions and being such a domineering force in her life. The teacher shared the same concerns. Together we decided that Turtle needed lots of praise for decisions that she makes and ideas that she has. "Turtle, great decision to use your fork while eating dinner." "Turtle, I love those pajamas on you. Good choice." "Turtle, what a beautiful picture you colored." And so on. The teacher told me that she calls on Turtle first to make sure that she gets to express her ideas to the class before the more outspoken children have their turn. But this was two weeks before she moved up to pre-kindergarten. So, she got two weeks of that and then moved up. Fortunately, her primary teacher in pre-kindergarten is fully aware of the situation and is working to help us as well. She continues to remind Turtle that she can decide to play with other children who are more respectful. She has some great friends in class who are more respectful and inclusive of ideas. Most of her classmates are compassionate, kind and friendly. But how to get Turtle to transition away from Jane and towards these other classmates ...
We have tried reminding Turtle that the only person who decides who she plays with is Turtle. We have tried reminding her that she is in charge of herself and no other child gets that privilege. We have given her specific language to use with Jane. One day, she used that language, but it only lasted one day. She marched around that day with confidence stating, "Jane, I'm in charge of me. Not you." It was a good day, but the next day was more of the same.
We were on a playground a few days ago and she was headed up a ladder. She was halfway up when another child started heading down. Turtle immediately backed down the ladder. I walked over to her and told her that she was on the ladder first and that it's okay to hold your position and ask the other child to wait their turn. She was at the top of the slide ready to go down and another child began climbing up the slide. Turtle began to get up. I loudly called to her to hold her place and ask the other child to please get off of the slide. The child did move, but I think it's because he heard me and not her whispered plea to please get off the slide. But when he did move, I loudly congratulated her for using her words and taking her rightful turn on the slide. Having those playground conversations where other parents can hear me is almost intolerably embarrassing for me. I feel like the bully having those discussions. But when I look back, I can see that those children were definitely in the wrong for not waiting their turn. I will never encourage Turtle to cut in line or climb a slide. But I HAVE to encourage her to stand up for herself. If she doesn't, what might she encounter as a teenager or an adult. Will she have sex because she thinks it's the only way a boy will like her? Will she try drugs, because her friends won't like her if she doesn't? I must help her NOW because I don't want to see my baby in the ER (or worse, the morgue) from a decision made out of poor self confidence.
My husband and I agree wholeheartedly in handling this as positively as we can by reinforcing her good decisions and choices and downplaying the poor choices. Build momentum towards the good decisions and keep the momentum going. It needs to be her choice to pick other friends. It needs to be her decision-making that saves the day. That is the only way this will work. It takes work and constant attention.
That constant attention is where I struggle. I think my husband is better at it than I am. She asks me a question and I'm studying a recipe while making dinner and give her an "mm hmm" instead of really listening to the question. Or I'm reading my book and don't give her all of my attention. It's a bit counter to my "Being Present" blog post a few weeks ago, but I think I may just need to be 100% present for awhile so that I can engage her and give her confidence that she is heard and validated and her decisions and choices are good ones.
The question burns in my brain - does she have these confidence issues because she is an adopted child from an orphanage setting? Almost certainly. I think abandonment leaves some children with these gaping wounds that bleed away their self-confidence. How can they be confident in their behavior and actions when they aren't even confident they are where they belong or that they will be allowed to stay there? Why not follow Jane when she commands action and adherence? If I follow Jane, she will be my friend. If I don't follow Jane, what might happen? Will I find another friend? My brain tells me I have other friends, but do I really? I'm too scared to find out.
How do we parent that? We will do our best to keep up the positive flow of guidance to help boost her self-confidence, but she must learn to defend herself and stick to it. She must learn the consequences of poor decisions and that it's okay to try new things and have other friends. She must learn that she does have other friends who like her for her and not because she trots around doing everything they tell her to. It's fine if she isn't a leader. This isn't about that. What's not fine is that she isn't really making her decisions, or that the decisions she is making are to decide to let someone else decide. That's not okay. Wish me luck as we battle the bully.
Turtle has a friend in school I'll call Jane. Jane dominates Turtle's life at school. She takes charge and doesn't allow Turtle to deviate. Yes, that's right. I said Jane doesn't ALLOW Turtle to do anything but what Jane wants and how Jane wants it. She doesn't respect Turtle's personal space insisting on hugs when I pick Turtle up from school. When Turtle tells Jane she doesn't want a hug, Jane practically knocks her over in her efforts to smother her leaving Turtle upset and often in tears.
The conversations we have after school are disturbing because of the language Turtle uses: "she won't let me ..." "I'm not allowed to ..." It's no exaggeration to say I'm terrified of that language. "Jane won't let me play with other kids." "Jane won't let me do what I want. We always have to what she wants." "Jane makes the rules." Yikes! This has been going on for weeks and probably a few months before it became pervasive enough for us to be aware of it (since it only happens at school, obviously). She is now getting in trouble at school because she is following the lead of Jane. I observed one up close when I stayed at school to allow Turtle to hear a story. She was sitting next to Jane who was nudging her and doing things to make her laugh and basically the two of them were a nuisance during storytime. The teacher separated them, and Turtle turned her attention back to the teacher, but Jane continued her behavior: taking her shirt off, trying to crawl back to Turtle, etc.
I called the teacher the next day to see how we could team up. I expressed concern over Turtle allowing Jane to make her decisions and being such a domineering force in her life. The teacher shared the same concerns. Together we decided that Turtle needed lots of praise for decisions that she makes and ideas that she has. "Turtle, great decision to use your fork while eating dinner." "Turtle, I love those pajamas on you. Good choice." "Turtle, what a beautiful picture you colored." And so on. The teacher told me that she calls on Turtle first to make sure that she gets to express her ideas to the class before the more outspoken children have their turn. But this was two weeks before she moved up to pre-kindergarten. So, she got two weeks of that and then moved up. Fortunately, her primary teacher in pre-kindergarten is fully aware of the situation and is working to help us as well. She continues to remind Turtle that she can decide to play with other children who are more respectful. She has some great friends in class who are more respectful and inclusive of ideas. Most of her classmates are compassionate, kind and friendly. But how to get Turtle to transition away from Jane and towards these other classmates ...
We have tried reminding Turtle that the only person who decides who she plays with is Turtle. We have tried reminding her that she is in charge of herself and no other child gets that privilege. We have given her specific language to use with Jane. One day, she used that language, but it only lasted one day. She marched around that day with confidence stating, "Jane, I'm in charge of me. Not you." It was a good day, but the next day was more of the same.
We were on a playground a few days ago and she was headed up a ladder. She was halfway up when another child started heading down. Turtle immediately backed down the ladder. I walked over to her and told her that she was on the ladder first and that it's okay to hold your position and ask the other child to wait their turn. She was at the top of the slide ready to go down and another child began climbing up the slide. Turtle began to get up. I loudly called to her to hold her place and ask the other child to please get off of the slide. The child did move, but I think it's because he heard me and not her whispered plea to please get off the slide. But when he did move, I loudly congratulated her for using her words and taking her rightful turn on the slide. Having those playground conversations where other parents can hear me is almost intolerably embarrassing for me. I feel like the bully having those discussions. But when I look back, I can see that those children were definitely in the wrong for not waiting their turn. I will never encourage Turtle to cut in line or climb a slide. But I HAVE to encourage her to stand up for herself. If she doesn't, what might she encounter as a teenager or an adult. Will she have sex because she thinks it's the only way a boy will like her? Will she try drugs, because her friends won't like her if she doesn't? I must help her NOW because I don't want to see my baby in the ER (or worse, the morgue) from a decision made out of poor self confidence.
My husband and I agree wholeheartedly in handling this as positively as we can by reinforcing her good decisions and choices and downplaying the poor choices. Build momentum towards the good decisions and keep the momentum going. It needs to be her choice to pick other friends. It needs to be her decision-making that saves the day. That is the only way this will work. It takes work and constant attention.
That constant attention is where I struggle. I think my husband is better at it than I am. She asks me a question and I'm studying a recipe while making dinner and give her an "mm hmm" instead of really listening to the question. Or I'm reading my book and don't give her all of my attention. It's a bit counter to my "Being Present" blog post a few weeks ago, but I think I may just need to be 100% present for awhile so that I can engage her and give her confidence that she is heard and validated and her decisions and choices are good ones.
The question burns in my brain - does she have these confidence issues because she is an adopted child from an orphanage setting? Almost certainly. I think abandonment leaves some children with these gaping wounds that bleed away their self-confidence. How can they be confident in their behavior and actions when they aren't even confident they are where they belong or that they will be allowed to stay there? Why not follow Jane when she commands action and adherence? If I follow Jane, she will be my friend. If I don't follow Jane, what might happen? Will I find another friend? My brain tells me I have other friends, but do I really? I'm too scared to find out.
How do we parent that? We will do our best to keep up the positive flow of guidance to help boost her self-confidence, but she must learn to defend herself and stick to it. She must learn the consequences of poor decisions and that it's okay to try new things and have other friends. She must learn that she does have other friends who like her for her and not because she trots around doing everything they tell her to. It's fine if she isn't a leader. This isn't about that. What's not fine is that she isn't really making her decisions, or that the decisions she is making are to decide to let someone else decide. That's not okay. Wish me luck as we battle the bully.
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