Parenting as an Atheist

I have argued and argued with myself, for weeks and weeks, over this particular post. “Coming out” as an atheist is very difficult to do. I now place myself in the hands of those who may judge me instantly and not kindly. I place myself in the hands of people who will begin to try and “save” me. I fear the phone calls and emails that may follow judging me and begging me to find god.

But I have decided to go forward, because I know that I am not the only atheist out there raising children in a largely Christian society. It’s odd how difficult it can be to parent a child when your family does not practice any religion. I am an atheist and my husband is a non-practicing [nobody’s business], so we don’t raise Turtle involved in a church.

I am continually amazed by the number of people who tell me how wonderful it is that god provided me with a child. For one thing, it is very presumptuous to assume that I am a Christian and, therefore, believe what they believe. Until now, I have been very selective about who I shared my atheism with. Those who already know, are those I trust not to judge me or try to save me. I trust them to remain my friend regardless of our religious beliefs. I enjoy talking with, and learning from, my friends of different religions. I very much enjoy theology from a pedagogic standpoint. It’s fascinating to hear the various cultures’ origin stories and belief structures, and to understand their differences and similarities. And I think it’s a very good thing that religion can bring many comfort and solace in their times of need.

To continue with the above point: god didn’t provide me with a child. She didn’t magically land on my doorstep. It took years of paper chasing, hard work, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. It took an agonizing decision by her birth mother to give her up. It took a caring shopkeeper to pick her up off of the sidewalk on a cold February morning and take her to the police. It took an Orphanage Director who fought for years to be accepted into the international adoption program by the Chinese Center of Adoption Affairs in Beijing. It took dedicated, loving nannies giving her every bit of loving attention they could. It took the efforts and involvement of many people and agonizing pain for at least one of those people.

Turtle has been coming home from school with questions like “Who made us?” I remember thinking at the time, “wow, this would be so easy if I believed in god.” Instead, I discussed evolution with her at the most basic levels. She laughed and laughed picturing her face on a monkey as she swung from tree branches, but she got the idea that over years and years we evolved into humans from primates. She has asked “what is god?” And we have answered her as best we can that some people believe that god is the one who made the earth and all of the people and animals. I intentionally don’t put my spin on it. If she asks follow up questions, I will tell her that I believe the world was created by a cosmic accident, but she isn’t really ready to grasp that yet. Parenting without god takes work and a lot of thought and there are no easy outs. It would be so easy to say “God made us.” End of discussion. I wouldn’t have to get into evolution with a 4-year old. But I’ve never done things the easy way. If Turtle wants to explore religion as she gets older, we will do it together. I will never tell her what to believe, and I will help her in her exploration. If she chooses religion, I will support her.

Every Christmas, we get out the Advent Calendar and read the Bible verses so that she can understand Christmas as a time of giving thanks and gifts to our loved ones. It’s important to my husband that she have a bit of exposure to Christianity, therefore, it is important to me. I respect that he is a quiet believer and will do my best to help in her religious education. It will be more secular than most, I imagine. When Easter comes each year, we talk about new beginnings and do not discuss a man dying on the cross for our sins. I don’t feel she is old enough to handle that kind of thing and the guilt it could cause is simply not something I will saddle my child with. As she gets older, we will talk about the religious significance of Easter, but for now it’s a springtime bacchanal involving a feast, candy, and really good wine. She will always know what I believe and what her father believes and she will be able to make up her own mind. I just wish more people were more open minded and less judgmental of those who have different believes. Why are we so afraid as a society of anything different from ourselves?

Atheists don’t have a poor moral center. We are humans like everyone else. When I see someone in need, I reach out a hand. We have our charities that we give to regularly. We donate items to Arc and Chinese orphanages. We will encourage Turtle to take trips to China (when she is older, of course) with groups that volunteer in the orphanages so that she can give back to the system that gave her succor when she was abandoned. Atheists know right from wrong, we love, we have desires, and we have needs just like everyone else. We are dedicated parents, spouses, and friends.

If you take nothing else from this blog post, understand that being an atheist is perfectly okay and that we don’t need saving; understand that not everyone you speak to believes in god; don’t assume that everyone is just like you. Instead ask respectful questions and learn from your experiences so that your life can be that much richer for it.