Anxiety, Abandonment ... It's all very real. Don't stifle it.
I don't know what to call Turtle's frequent attacks: anxiety attacks, abandonment issues ... But it doesn't really matter what you call it - it's real, it's awful for her, and we get through each one minute by minute.
A couple of weekends ago, Turtle had a major one that started in a restaurant. We were finishing lunch and she wanted to know where her pin was (she was referring to her wing pin she got from a commercial airline pilot).
Me: "I'm so sorry. I forgot them. They are at home. We'll remember next time we go to Wings Over the Rockies."
Turtle: Looking positively devastated, "You always forget! And you promised!" Hyperventilating, shouting at me that I NEVER remember.
I picked her up and carried her rag doll body out of the restaurant and to the car. At this stage in her meltdown, she doesn't really want me near her (I think I've written about that before). She wants her distance. So I loaded her into her car seat and we went to our next stop. All the while, she is shrieking in the backseat about broken promises and me NEVER taking care of her and NEVER remembering the things I promise. Screaming that we need to go home and get the pin before we go to Wings Over the Rockies. I parked the car at our next errand, got out, opened her door and she held her arms out. I unbuckled her seat belt and stood in the parking lot rocking my screaming, shrieking child and talking softly to her. Eventually she calmed down enough to ask if we could bring her wing pin next time. I told her yes.
Turtle: But you always forget.
Me: That's not true, but let's set an alarm on my phone so that I will remember.
So she watched me pretend to set an alarm (I don't know how to set an alarm for a future date - so I had to fake it). We finished our errands and headed to Wings Over the Rockies and all was well sans pin.
Last night, she had another one in the mall in front of my in-laws. They are relatively old school and tend to believe that fit throwing children are throwing fits for one reason and one reason only - to get their way. So, I fed right into that theory by promising her a remote-controlled helicopter if she could just please get it together long enough to drop them off at home. She did hold together. The second they were out of the car and we were alone, the tears commenced. No real screaming because we tamped that down so early in the meltdown, but snuffly tears in the backseat and half-whispered pleas, "Mommy, I need you now." Luckily, home is only a few minutes away.
We got home and her legs didn't work (they did, but when she is in an episode, she shuts her whole body down). I picked her up like a baby out of the car and cradled her to me as best as I could while unloading the days crap from the car. We got ready for bed and then I held her as tightly as I could (at her insistence). The night was full of nightmares. She spent much of it either on top of me or stretched full length pressed up against me.
I, undoubtedly, should have thrown caution to the wind and let her have it out in front of my in-laws instead of asking her to stifle it. I don't like to bribe her and typically don't, but I could see the disapproval on my father-in-law's face and, at that moment, it was more than I could handle. Husband is on a business trip; I was alone; and I couldn't take it. So I stifled. This morning Turtle reminded me of my promise and I reassured her that I remembered and that we would get one this weekend. She is very excited. But her night was full of nightmares that she probably wouldn't have had, if I had just let it happen right there in the mall.
I am now a mother who has given her child nightmares because I couldn't stand the disapproving looks. The looks of strangers I could care less about, but the looks of a family member ... I wilted. I am her mother and I know better. And I did it anyway.
A couple of weekends ago, Turtle had a major one that started in a restaurant. We were finishing lunch and she wanted to know where her pin was (she was referring to her wing pin she got from a commercial airline pilot).
Me: "I'm so sorry. I forgot them. They are at home. We'll remember next time we go to Wings Over the Rockies."
Turtle: Looking positively devastated, "You always forget! And you promised!" Hyperventilating, shouting at me that I NEVER remember.
I picked her up and carried her rag doll body out of the restaurant and to the car. At this stage in her meltdown, she doesn't really want me near her (I think I've written about that before). She wants her distance. So I loaded her into her car seat and we went to our next stop. All the while, she is shrieking in the backseat about broken promises and me NEVER taking care of her and NEVER remembering the things I promise. Screaming that we need to go home and get the pin before we go to Wings Over the Rockies. I parked the car at our next errand, got out, opened her door and she held her arms out. I unbuckled her seat belt and stood in the parking lot rocking my screaming, shrieking child and talking softly to her. Eventually she calmed down enough to ask if we could bring her wing pin next time. I told her yes.
Turtle: But you always forget.
Me: That's not true, but let's set an alarm on my phone so that I will remember.
So she watched me pretend to set an alarm (I don't know how to set an alarm for a future date - so I had to fake it). We finished our errands and headed to Wings Over the Rockies and all was well sans pin.
Last night, she had another one in the mall in front of my in-laws. They are relatively old school and tend to believe that fit throwing children are throwing fits for one reason and one reason only - to get their way. So, I fed right into that theory by promising her a remote-controlled helicopter if she could just please get it together long enough to drop them off at home. She did hold together. The second they were out of the car and we were alone, the tears commenced. No real screaming because we tamped that down so early in the meltdown, but snuffly tears in the backseat and half-whispered pleas, "Mommy, I need you now." Luckily, home is only a few minutes away.
We got home and her legs didn't work (they did, but when she is in an episode, she shuts her whole body down). I picked her up like a baby out of the car and cradled her to me as best as I could while unloading the days crap from the car. We got ready for bed and then I held her as tightly as I could (at her insistence). The night was full of nightmares. She spent much of it either on top of me or stretched full length pressed up against me.
I, undoubtedly, should have thrown caution to the wind and let her have it out in front of my in-laws instead of asking her to stifle it. I don't like to bribe her and typically don't, but I could see the disapproval on my father-in-law's face and, at that moment, it was more than I could handle. Husband is on a business trip; I was alone; and I couldn't take it. So I stifled. This morning Turtle reminded me of my promise and I reassured her that I remembered and that we would get one this weekend. She is very excited. But her night was full of nightmares that she probably wouldn't have had, if I had just let it happen right there in the mall.
I am now a mother who has given her child nightmares because I couldn't stand the disapproving looks. The looks of strangers I could care less about, but the looks of a family member ... I wilted. I am her mother and I know better. And I did it anyway.
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