My Dad's Funeral and the Chinese Man
This morning I opened my eyes around 6:30 and looked over at Turtle who was staring at me with the saddest expression on her face.
Me: Turtle, why are you sad?
Turtle: I don't know.
So, I scooped her up and held her against me cozy under the covers. After all, we all get sad for no reason and I could certainly relate. While I was laying there snuggling Turtle thinking about sadness, I remembered the day of my father's funeral in 2006.
My step mother had disallowed me from attending his funeral (the reasons are a story for another time), but I flew to California anyway because my Aunt welcomed me with open arms and it would be good to see my Aunt and cousins anyway. They were scattering my father's ashes in the Oakland Bay. So I went with them because there was this great little bayside shopping area right on the water. They all got on a boat and left me forlorn on land. I bought a cup of coffee and went and found this very out of the way place where I could watch the water, drink my coffee and feel sorry for myself. There was no foot traffic where I sat.
It seemed that out of nowhere an Asian man appeared in front of me. He clearly walked, but I was in my own world and didn't see him until he was standing in front of me. In a heavy accent he asked me if he was allowed to smoke there.
I said, "I'm not sure. I'm not from here, but I don't see why not."
The man lit his cigarette, "where are you from?"
"Colorado. It's a state in the …"
"Middle of the country," he said. I was surprised he knew that. Why would someone not from the US know where the 50 states are?
I nodded, then asked, "Where are you from?"
He said, "Guangzhou, China."
"Oh," I said, "my husband and I are adopting a baby from China. We have to spend some time in your city when we get our baby." I wasn't sure how he would react.
His entire face lit up and he said, "You are great! Why do so many Americans adopt babies from China?"
I wasn't sure how to answer that question. "Well, many of us just want to be parents and we can love and raise a baby no matter where the baby is from. We really like the Chinese system."
He said, "We really love Americans who adopt our babies. If a woman has a baby and isn't married, she will lose her job and have to pay very big fines to the government. I'm very glad you love our babies"
The conversation continued but I was a little preoccupied with the fact that I was attempting to mourn my father but the fates, or Gods, or the universe intervened and placed this Chinese man in my way who told me how great I was. I didn't feel particularly great.
There seems to be a misconception that adoptive parents adopt children to "save" them from a fate of orphanages and a very disadvantaged life. But the truth is, we are the lucky ones. We get to love and raise these beautiful children who bring light and love into our lives. We are graced with their beauty, their inquisitiveness, their faith that we know everything, their confidence that we will protect them. We are given the gift of patience and compassion when these wee ones come into our lives. We learn as we go and we learn to love, hug and kiss before we discipline to reassure our children that they are number one and that no matter what they do they are our forever children. These children give us the gift of putting them before ourselves - and that is a genuine gift. It changes our perspective on life to raise these beautiful children. The little annoyances in life don't really matter anymore, although they are still fun to gripe about. I think back to that day and that man from China often. I remember that he was visiting San Francisco for a conference, but would return to China. He offered to give me his contact information so that he could show us around Guangzhou. I ended the conversation and left before he could give it to me. I'm not sure why I did that and regretted it the second I stood up. He was surprised when I got up, said my goodbyes, and walked away.
I will remember him always and when I look in my beautiful daughter's face, I see him, I see her birth mother, I see her birth father, I see an entire nation of warm, kind people in the eyes of my daughter. May she know the greatness of her birth country some day. And may she know the greatness of parenthood some day.
Me: Turtle, why are you sad?
Turtle: I don't know.
So, I scooped her up and held her against me cozy under the covers. After all, we all get sad for no reason and I could certainly relate. While I was laying there snuggling Turtle thinking about sadness, I remembered the day of my father's funeral in 2006.
My step mother had disallowed me from attending his funeral (the reasons are a story for another time), but I flew to California anyway because my Aunt welcomed me with open arms and it would be good to see my Aunt and cousins anyway. They were scattering my father's ashes in the Oakland Bay. So I went with them because there was this great little bayside shopping area right on the water. They all got on a boat and left me forlorn on land. I bought a cup of coffee and went and found this very out of the way place where I could watch the water, drink my coffee and feel sorry for myself. There was no foot traffic where I sat.
It seemed that out of nowhere an Asian man appeared in front of me. He clearly walked, but I was in my own world and didn't see him until he was standing in front of me. In a heavy accent he asked me if he was allowed to smoke there.
I said, "I'm not sure. I'm not from here, but I don't see why not."
The man lit his cigarette, "where are you from?"
"Colorado. It's a state in the …"
"Middle of the country," he said. I was surprised he knew that. Why would someone not from the US know where the 50 states are?
I nodded, then asked, "Where are you from?"
He said, "Guangzhou, China."
"Oh," I said, "my husband and I are adopting a baby from China. We have to spend some time in your city when we get our baby." I wasn't sure how he would react.
His entire face lit up and he said, "You are great! Why do so many Americans adopt babies from China?"
I wasn't sure how to answer that question. "Well, many of us just want to be parents and we can love and raise a baby no matter where the baby is from. We really like the Chinese system."
He said, "We really love Americans who adopt our babies. If a woman has a baby and isn't married, she will lose her job and have to pay very big fines to the government. I'm very glad you love our babies"
The conversation continued but I was a little preoccupied with the fact that I was attempting to mourn my father but the fates, or Gods, or the universe intervened and placed this Chinese man in my way who told me how great I was. I didn't feel particularly great.
There seems to be a misconception that adoptive parents adopt children to "save" them from a fate of orphanages and a very disadvantaged life. But the truth is, we are the lucky ones. We get to love and raise these beautiful children who bring light and love into our lives. We are graced with their beauty, their inquisitiveness, their faith that we know everything, their confidence that we will protect them. We are given the gift of patience and compassion when these wee ones come into our lives. We learn as we go and we learn to love, hug and kiss before we discipline to reassure our children that they are number one and that no matter what they do they are our forever children. These children give us the gift of putting them before ourselves - and that is a genuine gift. It changes our perspective on life to raise these beautiful children. The little annoyances in life don't really matter anymore, although they are still fun to gripe about. I think back to that day and that man from China often. I remember that he was visiting San Francisco for a conference, but would return to China. He offered to give me his contact information so that he could show us around Guangzhou. I ended the conversation and left before he could give it to me. I'm not sure why I did that and regretted it the second I stood up. He was surprised when I got up, said my goodbyes, and walked away.
I will remember him always and when I look in my beautiful daughter's face, I see him, I see her birth mother, I see her birth father, I see an entire nation of warm, kind people in the eyes of my daughter. May she know the greatness of her birth country some day. And may she know the greatness of parenthood some day.
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