Control Jones

Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook are probably expecting this post. Turtle is finally starting to show independence and defiance and it's a great thing. However, I find it frustrating. Turtle has been one of the most obedient children and to suddenly hear NO come out of her on a regular basis or the ability every 4-year old has to completely ignore instructions/requests is quite shocking.

Me: Turtle, please stop playing with your food
....
Me: Turtle, please stop playing with your food
....
Husband firmly: Turtle, your mother asked you to stop playing with your food. You can go sit by yourself, or listen to your mother.
Turtle bursting into tears: I don't like it when you talk to me like that. Waaaaaaaa!
Oh Brother

This morning it was:
Turtle: sneeze
Me: Do you need a tissue?
Turtle: NO, sneeze - huge globs of snot all over her upper lip
Me: Come in here and let me help you clean up your face
Turtle: NO!
Me: Get in here right now!
Turtle: NO!
And there she lay on my bed with snot threatening to drip onto my dry-clean only comforter. I went and physically pulled her off the bed and into the bathroom and cleaned her face.
Me: Turtle, that is very naughty not to listen to mommy.
Turtle bursting into tears: I didn't want to get out of bed. Waaaaa!
Good grief!

I reached out to my FB friends and have the answer I probably knew all along. I have a control problem. Turtle stop making a mess, Turtle don't sniff, Turtle put on your shoes, Turtle time to clean up your toys, Turtle don't sniff, Turtle why am I asking you again to put on you shoes?

Holy crap woman! Give it a rest.

These are my issues; not hers. I have to figure out how to let go. Messes are okay because it's entirely possible to clean them up. Letting Turtle help make dinner is okay even if it takes more time. It will give her a feeling of control and a boost to her self-confidence. Having Turtle help clean up after dinner is not only okay but an excellent idea because it will help her learn about contributing to the family. Handing her a tissue for the snot globules on her face for her to clean up is a great idea because it teaches her responsibility for herself. Sticking to the consequences I set for her is required because it will teach her that she has boundaries and that there are genuine consequences for stepping over those boundaries. It's okay if she cries when we enforce the rules. By letting her cry it will teach her that her tears do not control the situation. Crying is not going to make things go her way.

In the moment, I have a hard time figuring out decent consequences that we can all live with. The other day, husband told Turtle that if she didn't wash her hands with soap, she couldn't eat dinner. Turtle knew that was an empty threat, because we will never send her to bed hungry and she knows that. And I make my own empty threats all the time. Turtle, pick up your toys or Santa won't come - yeah, right. So how do we avoid the empty threat in the heat of the moment. What are consequences we can have in our back pocket?

Maybe we can try some of these:
Turtle, please wash your hands.
NO
Turtle, your choices are to either wash your hands or your not welcome at the dinner table.
And then we eat dinner together while she is not at the table. After dinner, when she washes her hands, she can eat dinner by herself at the table - might work. Or perhaps we put her plate at the kitchen table and she eats with dirty hands while we move to the dining room and eat together. Feels mean though. This parenting thing is hard.

Turtle, please clean up your toys.
....
Turtle, your choices are to either clean up your toys yourself, or I can do it for you and everything I pick up gets packed away and you will not be able to play with it. Ouch - that one hurts but is probably pretty darned effective.

Turtle, please stop playing with your food. If you are finished, you may be excused.
NO
Turtle, your choices are to stop playing with your food and finish eating, or go sit by yourself while we finish our dinner. There will be no dessert.
I DON'T WANT DESSERT.
Okay, time to go sit by yourself.
The hard part about removing her from the situation is that we often have to physically carry her to the other room. I don't want to do that - it feels like using my size to force obedience. Maybe we could get up and go to the dining room with our plates and leave her by herself. That might work better.

Turtle, please put on your shoes. We are leaving in 1 minute.
....
If husband is home and it's an errand, I can simply leave without her because her shoes weren't on. If he isn't or it's to take her somewhere, we could leave without the shoes and she could get her feet soaking wet in puddles and have to walk around in her wet socks. Seems a bit extreme. What to do about the shoes? Work in progress.

Don't you love these stream of consciousness blog posts? I work out all of my problems and you get to read the thought process. Please comment and tell me your ideas and what has worked for you with your little ones. I think that Turtle is somehow preparing me for a more challenging 2nd child. I could be in for it.