Whining, Crying and Bullies
I have something on my mind. I saw a post on FB this morning from a friend of mine, and old friend, a respected friend, a friend whom I cherish, and it hurt me and it disturbed me. He said something to the effect of we are raising a bunch of cry babies who need to suck it up and quit whining about bullies. The comment stream was equally alarming. One friend agreed with him in repeated comments throughout even when another friend of his talked about her step daughter hanging herself a mere few months ago as a result of bullying. And the cry baby accusations continued. Now my friend simply put up the post and then did not (at least not yet) participate in the comment stream debate on bullying.
There is a misperception out there that kids need to just brush off the mean things people say and move on. Children are not equipped to do that. Frankly, many adults are not equipped to do that. The adage "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" couldn't be more ridiculously false. Words do hurt and they are often intended to hurt. The fact is that children do commit suicide because they are bullied. It's not because they couldn't "suck it up" and were a "cry baby." Bullying is dangerous and can be deadly.
Additionally, people forget that some children don't know how to process the bullying by other children. They might be autistic, they might have some special needs that are not visible on the surface, they might have hormonal challenges. Recent studies have shown that teenagers' risk of suicide is higher than at any other age group because of the hormonal changes going on in their bodies. And if they are in an even higher risk group such a homosexual teen, the odds are even higher. If you throw bullying in on top of that you are increasing that already high risk.
But what is really disturbing is casting blame on the victim and making it their responsibility to buck up. I'm sure everyone has a story about being bullied as a child. I do. I have a few. I was once punched in the face in 5th grade by a boy who decided that the new girl needed a lesson. I missed school for 2 days because I was terrified to return to school. In that same school, I was crossing a playground apparatus a little too slowly for some other kids and one of them pulled a knife on me. I slipped and fell off landing on my back with the wind knocked out of me. I remember laying there looking up at my would-be attacker hoping that he wouldn't come down there and slice me up before I could get my wind back and run away. There was a boy who lived next door who liked to throw rocks at my head. I remember cowering on the side of my house in tears over the piercing pain of getting hit at the base of my skull with a rock. Was I to blame for these incidents? Of course not. I was the perpetual new girl and an easy target.
We need to make bullying collectively anathema. If it is roundly rejected by everyone than if someone tries it, they are put in their place and the victim is encircled and protected. Imagine if we witnessed cyber-bullying and rallied to the cause of the victim. The one doing the bullying would inevitably back down in shame. I've seen this happen. If the schools have rabid enforcement for no bullying, then the children are empowered to stand up for each other. Maybe I'm too Pollyanna, but bullying is not okay and it's certainly not okay to blame the victim. The commenter in the FB feed who kept repeating herself that we are raising a nation of crybabies kept saying that the real problem is why they bully. That may be true, but we need to stop the bullying in order to get to the root cause of the problem. The causes are many and will vary by the number of people out there who bully. Some think it's fun; some do it to make themselves feel better; some do it because it's modeled at home; some do it for attention. It must stop.
When Turtle comes home from school talking about the new kid who cried all day, my answer to her is "you cried when you were new. Tomorrow, hold her hand and invite her to play with you." This is an actual scenario and she did what I told her and that girl is one of her best friends. In another instance, she came home talking about a boy who pushed her and was mean. This was when she was in a classroom of 3 year olds. I told her the next time she sees that boy and he does something mean to invite him to be her friend and to remind him that he needs to be kind if he wants to play with her. She did and that boy became stuck to her like glue. He never pushed her again.
If we approach each scenario with understanding and compassion, we can help our children navigate their world with understanding and compassion. Our children can learn that instead of shunning someone, engage them, learn from them and understand that they are a valuable member of society.
It's also on my mind because I know that my child will be the victim of bullying. She will be because she is Chinese. She will be because she is raised in a transracial family. She will be because she is adopted. It breaks my heart that all I can do is wait for her to come home and tell me about the first time a fellow student calls her a "chink," the first time someone tells her that her "real parents" didn't want her. I have rehearsed my answers and hope I'm ready. And it is going to hurt like hell.
There is a misperception out there that kids need to just brush off the mean things people say and move on. Children are not equipped to do that. Frankly, many adults are not equipped to do that. The adage "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" couldn't be more ridiculously false. Words do hurt and they are often intended to hurt. The fact is that children do commit suicide because they are bullied. It's not because they couldn't "suck it up" and were a "cry baby." Bullying is dangerous and can be deadly.
Additionally, people forget that some children don't know how to process the bullying by other children. They might be autistic, they might have some special needs that are not visible on the surface, they might have hormonal challenges. Recent studies have shown that teenagers' risk of suicide is higher than at any other age group because of the hormonal changes going on in their bodies. And if they are in an even higher risk group such a homosexual teen, the odds are even higher. If you throw bullying in on top of that you are increasing that already high risk.
But what is really disturbing is casting blame on the victim and making it their responsibility to buck up. I'm sure everyone has a story about being bullied as a child. I do. I have a few. I was once punched in the face in 5th grade by a boy who decided that the new girl needed a lesson. I missed school for 2 days because I was terrified to return to school. In that same school, I was crossing a playground apparatus a little too slowly for some other kids and one of them pulled a knife on me. I slipped and fell off landing on my back with the wind knocked out of me. I remember laying there looking up at my would-be attacker hoping that he wouldn't come down there and slice me up before I could get my wind back and run away. There was a boy who lived next door who liked to throw rocks at my head. I remember cowering on the side of my house in tears over the piercing pain of getting hit at the base of my skull with a rock. Was I to blame for these incidents? Of course not. I was the perpetual new girl and an easy target.
We need to make bullying collectively anathema. If it is roundly rejected by everyone than if someone tries it, they are put in their place and the victim is encircled and protected. Imagine if we witnessed cyber-bullying and rallied to the cause of the victim. The one doing the bullying would inevitably back down in shame. I've seen this happen. If the schools have rabid enforcement for no bullying, then the children are empowered to stand up for each other. Maybe I'm too Pollyanna, but bullying is not okay and it's certainly not okay to blame the victim. The commenter in the FB feed who kept repeating herself that we are raising a nation of crybabies kept saying that the real problem is why they bully. That may be true, but we need to stop the bullying in order to get to the root cause of the problem. The causes are many and will vary by the number of people out there who bully. Some think it's fun; some do it to make themselves feel better; some do it because it's modeled at home; some do it for attention. It must stop.
When Turtle comes home from school talking about the new kid who cried all day, my answer to her is "you cried when you were new. Tomorrow, hold her hand and invite her to play with you." This is an actual scenario and she did what I told her and that girl is one of her best friends. In another instance, she came home talking about a boy who pushed her and was mean. This was when she was in a classroom of 3 year olds. I told her the next time she sees that boy and he does something mean to invite him to be her friend and to remind him that he needs to be kind if he wants to play with her. She did and that boy became stuck to her like glue. He never pushed her again.
If we approach each scenario with understanding and compassion, we can help our children navigate their world with understanding and compassion. Our children can learn that instead of shunning someone, engage them, learn from them and understand that they are a valuable member of society.
It's also on my mind because I know that my child will be the victim of bullying. She will be because she is Chinese. She will be because she is raised in a transracial family. She will be because she is adopted. It breaks my heart that all I can do is wait for her to come home and tell me about the first time a fellow student calls her a "chink," the first time someone tells her that her "real parents" didn't want her. I have rehearsed my answers and hope I'm ready. And it is going to hurt like hell.
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