I'm Selfish
I'm selfish! It's time to take a step outside myself and focus on my husband and child. But I would rather watch my favorite tv show. I would rather read a book. I would rather just go to bed.
Last night, Turtle was brushing her teeth and trying to talk to me with her toothbrush in her mouth and I'm thinking to myself "could we just get on with it." Then she wanted to floss. So, she was flossing her teeth and I was waiting. You see she can't do anything if I'm not standing right there ("I just want to be with you mama."). She gets done, hands me the floss, and says, "Can you get my moles?" I love that she calls her molars her moles. So, I remembered the important things in life and gamely got her moles.
I don't even remember what we did after we were jammied up last night and our teeth were brushed. We were in bed a half an hour later - I know that much. We settled into bed to start Heidi and Turtle grabbed the book and wanted to feel it (it has a plastic cover on it and she loves the smooth feel of cool plastic or metal). I was less than patient. We got about 4 pages in and her eyelids were growing heavy. I kissed her goodnight and she conked out. I got to thinking that maybe I should read her the chapter books in the evening instead of at bedtime. And then my shoulders began to tighten as I thought of our already busy evenings. You have them too. You know what I'm talking about: pick up child, go to gym, workout, go home, cook dinner, clean up dinner, bathe child, jammies, teeth brushed, humidifiers filled, fold laundry, put away laundry, put in a load of laundry, and if you are lucky there is time to sneak in a favorite tv show. That's all I want to do - just sit and watch tv for a few minutes. But wouldn't it be more fulfilling to read to my daughter instead; to watch her mind process the story and listen patiently to her questions as she makes sense of the story? Probably, yes. Selfishly, I have been up since 5:30 a.m. after a bad night's sleep and a full day already and I just want to sit on my couch and not have to think.
And I get impatient with Turtle and it's not her fault I'm tired (well, not entirely her fault, but it is a little her fault). Yesterday, she insisted on zipping her coat herself. It's a very tricky zipper and often takes me 3 or 4 tries. "Oh, Turtle." She looked up and said, "Mommy, I love you."
This morning she was hemming and hawing over which puzzle to take to school for National Puzzle Day, and out it came again, "Oh, Turtle." And again, she looked up and said, "Mommy, I love you."
So, I sat down, pulled her into my lap and said, "Turtle, do you understand that I love you no matter what?"
Turtle: Even if I'm really really really naughty?
Me: You could punch me right in the nose and I would still love you.
Turtle with a tiny half-smile: What if I was really mean to my friends?
Me: I would still love you.
Turtle: What if I screamed and yelled at you all the time?
Me: I would still love you. There isn't anything you can do to change that. Nothing. I will love you forever and I love you when you are naughty. I love you when you are frustrating. I love you when I am frustrated. I love you when I am tired. I will always love you. Always.
This is what selfish gets you - an insecure child who feels compelled to tell you she loves you all the time just in case you have changed your mind about her. Since it's National Puzzle Day, I think we will do a puzzle tonight - she as Thomas the Train one we have not yet put together. Perhaps today is the day. So after the gym, after dinner has been cooked, eaten and cleaned up, after jammies are on, humidifiers are filled, laundry is folded and put away, after teeth have been flossed and brushed, we will do a puzzle at the kitchen table together.
I hope I can remember to stop and pay attention to my daughter. Sometimes the pressures in my life get the better of me. I guess they probably do for everyone. Selfishly, I hope they do, because it means I'm not the only out there struggling with priorities, exhaustion, and just thinking straight. What are your struggles? What do you like to do to wind down? Are you struggling with patience too?
Last night, Turtle was brushing her teeth and trying to talk to me with her toothbrush in her mouth and I'm thinking to myself "could we just get on with it." Then she wanted to floss. So, she was flossing her teeth and I was waiting. You see she can't do anything if I'm not standing right there ("I just want to be with you mama."). She gets done, hands me the floss, and says, "Can you get my moles?" I love that she calls her molars her moles. So, I remembered the important things in life and gamely got her moles.
I don't even remember what we did after we were jammied up last night and our teeth were brushed. We were in bed a half an hour later - I know that much. We settled into bed to start Heidi and Turtle grabbed the book and wanted to feel it (it has a plastic cover on it and she loves the smooth feel of cool plastic or metal). I was less than patient. We got about 4 pages in and her eyelids were growing heavy. I kissed her goodnight and she conked out. I got to thinking that maybe I should read her the chapter books in the evening instead of at bedtime. And then my shoulders began to tighten as I thought of our already busy evenings. You have them too. You know what I'm talking about: pick up child, go to gym, workout, go home, cook dinner, clean up dinner, bathe child, jammies, teeth brushed, humidifiers filled, fold laundry, put away laundry, put in a load of laundry, and if you are lucky there is time to sneak in a favorite tv show. That's all I want to do - just sit and watch tv for a few minutes. But wouldn't it be more fulfilling to read to my daughter instead; to watch her mind process the story and listen patiently to her questions as she makes sense of the story? Probably, yes. Selfishly, I have been up since 5:30 a.m. after a bad night's sleep and a full day already and I just want to sit on my couch and not have to think.
And I get impatient with Turtle and it's not her fault I'm tired (well, not entirely her fault, but it is a little her fault). Yesterday, she insisted on zipping her coat herself. It's a very tricky zipper and often takes me 3 or 4 tries. "Oh, Turtle." She looked up and said, "Mommy, I love you."
This morning she was hemming and hawing over which puzzle to take to school for National Puzzle Day, and out it came again, "Oh, Turtle." And again, she looked up and said, "Mommy, I love you."
So, I sat down, pulled her into my lap and said, "Turtle, do you understand that I love you no matter what?"
Turtle: Even if I'm really really really naughty?
Me: You could punch me right in the nose and I would still love you.
Turtle with a tiny half-smile: What if I was really mean to my friends?
Me: I would still love you.
Turtle: What if I screamed and yelled at you all the time?
Me: I would still love you. There isn't anything you can do to change that. Nothing. I will love you forever and I love you when you are naughty. I love you when you are frustrating. I love you when I am frustrated. I love you when I am tired. I will always love you. Always.
This is what selfish gets you - an insecure child who feels compelled to tell you she loves you all the time just in case you have changed your mind about her. Since it's National Puzzle Day, I think we will do a puzzle tonight - she as Thomas the Train one we have not yet put together. Perhaps today is the day. So after the gym, after dinner has been cooked, eaten and cleaned up, after jammies are on, humidifiers are filled, laundry is folded and put away, after teeth have been flossed and brushed, we will do a puzzle at the kitchen table together.
I hope I can remember to stop and pay attention to my daughter. Sometimes the pressures in my life get the better of me. I guess they probably do for everyone. Selfishly, I hope they do, because it means I'm not the only out there struggling with priorities, exhaustion, and just thinking straight. What are your struggles? What do you like to do to wind down? Are you struggling with patience too?
Comments
Post a Comment