The times ... they are a changin'
Pardon this post, as it will be disjointed. I'm writing it in self defense so that I can go to sleep tonight.
Our poor Turtle had a rough evening. She went from crying her eyes out, to hysterical laughter, to crying her eyes out, to hysterical laughter, to crying her eyes to out, to "I'm hungry. I need carrots." This took about an hour and a half. And I'm exhausted.
It started because she wanted to put the dvd in herself and had the impression that her daddy helped her. So he let her re-load it. Then it was that she wanted gymnastics again. Then it was that she didn't want to stop swimming because she would miss her swim teachers. Genuine grief in her face and I knew it was much more than these things.
Slowly she began to talk about her sister. We are adopting a second child from China and are expecting a match imminently. She asked if we could bring "baby stuffies" and "big girl stuffies" to China. I told her yes and asked her which ones we should bring for her sister. She picked a couple, then decided on a different one. Then she began crying again because she wanted the baby stuffies back when we get home from China.
Me: Are you not wanting to give the baby stuffies to your sister?
Turtle: No. I want to have them. Can we get her her own stuffies and get me some more baby stuffies too?
Me: You're a big girl, and you have baby stuffies already. Why don't we shop together and pick some baby stuffies out for your sister?
Turtle not to be consoled: But I need new stuffies too.
I promised we could shop together and she could get something special just for her. For a few seconds she was quiet and then:
Turtle: I won't like my sister.
Me: That's okay. You don't have to like her.
Turtle: I won't like her. I don't want her in this family.
Me: Why?
Turtle: She will hit me.
Me: If she does, we will make her stop.
Turtle: I won't tell her I don't like her though. Cuz, it would hurt her feelings.
Me: That's nice of you.
Turtle: What if she hears me say it and asks 'what did you say?'
Me: You can tell her it's a secret.
Turtle: Okay. Can we name her poopoo?
Me: No.
Turtle laughing hysterically (like so hard she can barely breathe): I want to name her poopoo.
Me (not one of my better moments): Should we name you peepee and you can be the toilet twins?
That really got her and she laughed and laughed. And then started crying again. As I'm trying to talk her off the ledge I'm thinking about her and what she is going through. She is 5 next week. She knows the next step in school is Kindergarten in a new school with new teachers and new friends. She knows that she is getting a little sister sometime soon who comes from the country of her birth. She knows nothing about her sister (and neither do we). But in her mind, her sister is dangerous. She asked me tonight if I would still hold her. The answer was yes. "Well, what if she cries?" And my answer was that I would hold her sister when she cried. "But what about me?" I will hold Turtle too. If it kills me, I will hold both of my children as long as they need it. She knows that we are headed to China together to get her sister. Who knows what is going through her mind about the trip? I'm sure she has concerns like: Will my parents leave me in China? What if I get lost and can't find them? What if they like my sister better than me? What if my sister doesn't like me? What if my Mom stops holding me but holds my sister instead? Will my Mom and Dad still love me once they get my sister? Will they bring me home too? What if my sister cries and doesn't stop? What if she hits me and my parents don't notice? What if she takes my toys? What if she chews on my books? What if she touches my airplanes? What if my parents give her some of my stuff?
All of those concerns are totally normal (some are normal for all kiddos and some are normal for adopted kiddos) and they are so real. She isn't quite old enough to tell me which concerns she is having. I have to read between the lines and hope it's in a language I understand.
After her carrots, Turtle was bursting with energy and jumping all over the place. We had to remind her of her mantra and she immediately began to slowly breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth. She wound down in seconds and is now peacefully in bed next to me sucking her thumb and is content. Bringing a second child into our family is exactly right and it will take a lot of work and figuring things out. I will not take away from Turtle and I will give to #2. I just hope I get the balance right.
Our poor Turtle had a rough evening. She went from crying her eyes out, to hysterical laughter, to crying her eyes out, to hysterical laughter, to crying her eyes to out, to "I'm hungry. I need carrots." This took about an hour and a half. And I'm exhausted.
It started because she wanted to put the dvd in herself and had the impression that her daddy helped her. So he let her re-load it. Then it was that she wanted gymnastics again. Then it was that she didn't want to stop swimming because she would miss her swim teachers. Genuine grief in her face and I knew it was much more than these things.
Slowly she began to talk about her sister. We are adopting a second child from China and are expecting a match imminently. She asked if we could bring "baby stuffies" and "big girl stuffies" to China. I told her yes and asked her which ones we should bring for her sister. She picked a couple, then decided on a different one. Then she began crying again because she wanted the baby stuffies back when we get home from China.
Me: Are you not wanting to give the baby stuffies to your sister?
Turtle: No. I want to have them. Can we get her her own stuffies and get me some more baby stuffies too?
Me: You're a big girl, and you have baby stuffies already. Why don't we shop together and pick some baby stuffies out for your sister?
Turtle not to be consoled: But I need new stuffies too.
I promised we could shop together and she could get something special just for her. For a few seconds she was quiet and then:
Turtle: I won't like my sister.
Me: That's okay. You don't have to like her.
Turtle: I won't like her. I don't want her in this family.
Me: Why?
Turtle: She will hit me.
Me: If she does, we will make her stop.
Turtle: I won't tell her I don't like her though. Cuz, it would hurt her feelings.
Me: That's nice of you.
Turtle: What if she hears me say it and asks 'what did you say?'
Me: You can tell her it's a secret.
Turtle: Okay. Can we name her poopoo?
Me: No.
Turtle laughing hysterically (like so hard she can barely breathe): I want to name her poopoo.
Me (not one of my better moments): Should we name you peepee and you can be the toilet twins?
That really got her and she laughed and laughed. And then started crying again. As I'm trying to talk her off the ledge I'm thinking about her and what she is going through. She is 5 next week. She knows the next step in school is Kindergarten in a new school with new teachers and new friends. She knows that she is getting a little sister sometime soon who comes from the country of her birth. She knows nothing about her sister (and neither do we). But in her mind, her sister is dangerous. She asked me tonight if I would still hold her. The answer was yes. "Well, what if she cries?" And my answer was that I would hold her sister when she cried. "But what about me?" I will hold Turtle too. If it kills me, I will hold both of my children as long as they need it. She knows that we are headed to China together to get her sister. Who knows what is going through her mind about the trip? I'm sure she has concerns like: Will my parents leave me in China? What if I get lost and can't find them? What if they like my sister better than me? What if my sister doesn't like me? What if my Mom stops holding me but holds my sister instead? Will my Mom and Dad still love me once they get my sister? Will they bring me home too? What if my sister cries and doesn't stop? What if she hits me and my parents don't notice? What if she takes my toys? What if she chews on my books? What if she touches my airplanes? What if my parents give her some of my stuff?
All of those concerns are totally normal (some are normal for all kiddos and some are normal for adopted kiddos) and they are so real. She isn't quite old enough to tell me which concerns she is having. I have to read between the lines and hope it's in a language I understand.
After her carrots, Turtle was bursting with energy and jumping all over the place. We had to remind her of her mantra and she immediately began to slowly breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth. She wound down in seconds and is now peacefully in bed next to me sucking her thumb and is content. Bringing a second child into our family is exactly right and it will take a lot of work and figuring things out. I will not take away from Turtle and I will give to #2. I just hope I get the balance right.
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