Trust
We continue to await updates and government approvals that will get us closer to Mei Mei, but in the meantime, we are working hard to help Turtle with her increasing anxieties.
A friend of ours recently told us about a training program that our adoption agency participates in called TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) and we were able to check out a DVD on the topic from our agency's library. If you are interested, their website is http://www.child.tcu.edu/training.asp. It was really enlightening. It helped affirm what we already thought to be true and that is that traditional parenting methods are actually damaging to our littles in the long run. We can get short-term compliance with these methods but in the long-term the damage can be terrible. Time outs - nope; sent to her room - better not; take away her toys - no way; threatening to cancel playdates - indeed no. And of course, I've done all of these things with Turtle. And I'm exhausted. At my wit's end.
Parenting using TBRI is also exhausting because you really have to shift your focus and think outside the traditional parenting box with EVERY situation. The difference is you know that these methods are proven to work with kiddos who have traumatic beginnings and there isn't any guilt associated with it. There is oodles of guilt associated with traditional methods. Every time I yelled at Turtle, I was immediately wracked with guilt. If I made her go to her room because she kept shouting and carrying on, I felt guilty. Guilt is exhausting.
As you know, when the news of Mei Mei hit Turtle like a ton of bricks we had meltdown after meltdown and they seemed to be over really silly stuff like the length of her pasta, the color of her multi-vitamin, and which toothbrush she used (she has 5 for reasons I cannot fathom), etc. But one evening, she finally told us that she was terrified that we will love her sister more than we love her; that we will think her sister is cuter than her; that we will stop loving her all together. A light went on and we realized that all of the meltdowns were really about her fear of her world being turned upside down, but what to do. After she finally fessed up to her real concerns, we didn't have another meltdown for about 5 days. She achieved catharsis with that one.
In the meantime, we had begun our TBRI training (via DVD, but absolutely working on it). We learned to get down to her level and talk to her with a reasonable tone of voice and not to shame her. When she makes demands like "take my bowl" we playfully respond with "are you asking or telling" and this is her cue to try it again the right way. Or we say something like, "try it again with respect." We learned to focus on the behavior and not her. We learned to give her constant positive reinforcement throughout the day. In less than a week, we have a child who remembers her manners more often than not and says things like, "Mommy, may you please help me put on my shoes?" and my answer is "Absolutely, good job using your manners and words." She beams as we put on her shoes together. These activities help Turtle to build up her trust in us. And traditional parenting methods take away that trust.
Last night, within 2 minutes (not exaggerating) of finishing up the DVD, Turtle had another meltdown over putting away her InnoTab. So, I wrapped her up in her blanket and held her very close and told her that I was right there with her and that everything was okay. She cried and screamed and kicked and carried on for probably 30 minutes before she could calm down enough for us to quickly resolve that issue, but she couldn't totally get it under control. About 15 minutes further down the meltdown road, she told us that she was afraid to go to school because "Jane" was mean to her. We have tried coaching her to play with other kids, but oddly enough, it's like "Jane" has some kind of psychological hold on her and she can't get away. In case you didn't catch that, "Jane" was the reason for the 45 meltdown not the InnoTab.
Turtle begged me to carry her to bed. I did and we talked in the dark.
Turtle: Mommy, can two girls be at a wedding?
Me: Yes.
Turtle: Well, what if "Jane" wants to marry me?
Me: Sweetie, let me tell you about marriage. You MUST agree to marry someone. If you don't agree, then you don't get married. "Jane" can't force you to marry her.
Turtle: "Jane" makes me think about her.
Me: Try thinking about other friends and the fun things you do with those friends.
Turtle: I hear "Jane's" voice in my head.
Me: What can we think about right before you go to sleep that is happy?
We worked on changing the subject and I was full on freaked out over the idea that she hears "Jane's" voice in her head. So I teamed up with her fabulous teachers and we are actively keeping them apart now. Tonight she is contentedly hanging out in Daddy's lap while he reads her story after story.
We are working on building up her trust and working on our own skills. As she melted last night, my mind went blank and I felt like I just sat there for a long time trying to figure out what to do as she shrieked and screamed and kicked. Husband said it didn't look like that from where he was sitting. He said it looked like I was putting all the tips and tricks into action. So, I have to trust myself to get it right or keep trying. It is nice to have an action plan and it takes a weight off of my shoulders to have some techniques to rely on. And Turtle seems to be happier by the day.
A friend of ours recently told us about a training program that our adoption agency participates in called TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) and we were able to check out a DVD on the topic from our agency's library. If you are interested, their website is http://www.child.tcu.edu/training.asp. It was really enlightening. It helped affirm what we already thought to be true and that is that traditional parenting methods are actually damaging to our littles in the long run. We can get short-term compliance with these methods but in the long-term the damage can be terrible. Time outs - nope; sent to her room - better not; take away her toys - no way; threatening to cancel playdates - indeed no. And of course, I've done all of these things with Turtle. And I'm exhausted. At my wit's end.
Parenting using TBRI is also exhausting because you really have to shift your focus and think outside the traditional parenting box with EVERY situation. The difference is you know that these methods are proven to work with kiddos who have traumatic beginnings and there isn't any guilt associated with it. There is oodles of guilt associated with traditional methods. Every time I yelled at Turtle, I was immediately wracked with guilt. If I made her go to her room because she kept shouting and carrying on, I felt guilty. Guilt is exhausting.
As you know, when the news of Mei Mei hit Turtle like a ton of bricks we had meltdown after meltdown and they seemed to be over really silly stuff like the length of her pasta, the color of her multi-vitamin, and which toothbrush she used (she has 5 for reasons I cannot fathom), etc. But one evening, she finally told us that she was terrified that we will love her sister more than we love her; that we will think her sister is cuter than her; that we will stop loving her all together. A light went on and we realized that all of the meltdowns were really about her fear of her world being turned upside down, but what to do. After she finally fessed up to her real concerns, we didn't have another meltdown for about 5 days. She achieved catharsis with that one.
In the meantime, we had begun our TBRI training (via DVD, but absolutely working on it). We learned to get down to her level and talk to her with a reasonable tone of voice and not to shame her. When she makes demands like "take my bowl" we playfully respond with "are you asking or telling" and this is her cue to try it again the right way. Or we say something like, "try it again with respect." We learned to focus on the behavior and not her. We learned to give her constant positive reinforcement throughout the day. In less than a week, we have a child who remembers her manners more often than not and says things like, "Mommy, may you please help me put on my shoes?" and my answer is "Absolutely, good job using your manners and words." She beams as we put on her shoes together. These activities help Turtle to build up her trust in us. And traditional parenting methods take away that trust.
Last night, within 2 minutes (not exaggerating) of finishing up the DVD, Turtle had another meltdown over putting away her InnoTab. So, I wrapped her up in her blanket and held her very close and told her that I was right there with her and that everything was okay. She cried and screamed and kicked and carried on for probably 30 minutes before she could calm down enough for us to quickly resolve that issue, but she couldn't totally get it under control. About 15 minutes further down the meltdown road, she told us that she was afraid to go to school because "Jane" was mean to her. We have tried coaching her to play with other kids, but oddly enough, it's like "Jane" has some kind of psychological hold on her and she can't get away. In case you didn't catch that, "Jane" was the reason for the 45 meltdown not the InnoTab.
Turtle begged me to carry her to bed. I did and we talked in the dark.
Turtle: Mommy, can two girls be at a wedding?
Me: Yes.
Turtle: Well, what if "Jane" wants to marry me?
Me: Sweetie, let me tell you about marriage. You MUST agree to marry someone. If you don't agree, then you don't get married. "Jane" can't force you to marry her.
Turtle: "Jane" makes me think about her.
Me: Try thinking about other friends and the fun things you do with those friends.
Turtle: I hear "Jane's" voice in my head.
Me: What can we think about right before you go to sleep that is happy?
We worked on changing the subject and I was full on freaked out over the idea that she hears "Jane's" voice in her head. So I teamed up with her fabulous teachers and we are actively keeping them apart now. Tonight she is contentedly hanging out in Daddy's lap while he reads her story after story.
We are working on building up her trust and working on our own skills. As she melted last night, my mind went blank and I felt like I just sat there for a long time trying to figure out what to do as she shrieked and screamed and kicked. Husband said it didn't look like that from where he was sitting. He said it looked like I was putting all the tips and tricks into action. So, I have to trust myself to get it right or keep trying. It is nice to have an action plan and it takes a weight off of my shoulders to have some techniques to rely on. And Turtle seems to be happier by the day.
Comments
Post a Comment