Progress ...
It's been awhile since my last post. We have been making some real progress with our nervous, anxious little girl.
As you know, her meltdowns ratcheted up and were occurring more and more often in public. She was becoming tearful over everything. She was becoming defiant and commanding. We think all of this was triggered by age (turning 5 is a developmental thing in the brain) and the impending little sister. It was exhausting.
So, we reached out to CCAI (have I mentioned how amazing they are?) for help. We are taking an evening class in parent training and Turtle gets her own class at the same time that teaches her how to control her own anxieties. She LOVES it. She gets to jump off of high places into bean bag chairs, play on the sit 'n spin, chew bubble gum, listen to calming cds and use weighted blankets.
We get to understand how we can help Turtle feel secure, feel in control and calm her anxieties. We use breathing techniques, some quasi-meditation techniques, scripts and lots and lots of repetition. We remind her to be "gentle and kind." We remind her to ask for things with respect. Once in awhile we remember to give her a do-over. All of these techniques take the judgement out of our interactions. She doesn't feel ashamed of her behavior, but rather proud of herself for getting a chance to do it right.
We bought two books: 10 Mindful Minutes by Goldie Hawn, yes the actress (I have a new respect for her now after reading this book) and Sitting Still Like a Frog (comes with a cd of calming exercises). We have also put into practice the swings thanks to a friend of mine who has been attending seminars on sensory sensitive kiddos who tipped me off to the benefits of swinging. We found a playground with a chair swing and Turtle sits in there totally relaxed and I push her for 15 minutes as many days as we can. She loves it and asks for it everyday.
I have found that when I take Turtle to the swing that it's also my chance to let the day go and relax and approach the evening calmly. Or when I give Turtle a bath, I will now massage her with lotion before jammies (before I would just put on the lotion without taking the time to stress relaxation and give her a massage too). When I do this, I find myself calming down too. I will put on the Sitting Still Like a Frog CD and sit with her doing the exercises and ... wait for it ... I am calmer too. I don't feel as snappy as I did before. Now when I feel like I just want to yell at my kid to ... do whatever I need her to do that moment, I refocus myself and take a "mindful moment" to pull it together.
We say yes as often as possible. Can I open your straw? Yes. Can I plan the day? Yes. Can we have wonton soup for dinner? Yes. Can I help fold laundry? Yes. Can I help you cook dinner? Yes. Even though her help with these things takes more time, if the answer is yes, she is calmer and so happy to be contributing. It's worth the extra few minutes it takes. All of this seems obvious as I write it, but when you are in the thick of parenting a child with attachment disorder and abandonment anxiety, nothing is obvious. And when your own anxieties are hitting your threshold for tolerance, everything stops making sense. When she is lashing out at you verbally and physically, the only thing you can think to do is wrap her in your arms and hold on for dear life. But how many times can you do that? Well, as many as it takes, but it's very helpful to have these other tools too because the meltdowns are few now.
I'm really enjoying Turtle. I enjoyed her before, but the anxieties I had seem to be slipping away, which opens up the door to more and more relaxed enjoyment. I laugh a lot with her. We have great conversations. She feels heard and I love listening to her. She is quite funny. And she is more open to my needs now. Yesterday, she planned the whole day and we crammed a lot into one day. At our last stop she wanted to do ten million things (yes, exactly ten million things) and my purse felt like it weighed 65 pounds and I was really tired. So, I got down at her level and told her exactly that. Her response, "Well Mom, let's do one more thing and then we can go, okay." Yes, I could do one more thing. And true to her word, she cheerfully left after her "one more thing."
I hope some of these things work for you. Definitely pick up the two books I mentioned. They are available at Amazon and worth the time to read. Let me know what you are doing that seems to be working for your anxious little one.
As you know, her meltdowns ratcheted up and were occurring more and more often in public. She was becoming tearful over everything. She was becoming defiant and commanding. We think all of this was triggered by age (turning 5 is a developmental thing in the brain) and the impending little sister. It was exhausting.
So, we reached out to CCAI (have I mentioned how amazing they are?) for help. We are taking an evening class in parent training and Turtle gets her own class at the same time that teaches her how to control her own anxieties. She LOVES it. She gets to jump off of high places into bean bag chairs, play on the sit 'n spin, chew bubble gum, listen to calming cds and use weighted blankets.
We get to understand how we can help Turtle feel secure, feel in control and calm her anxieties. We use breathing techniques, some quasi-meditation techniques, scripts and lots and lots of repetition. We remind her to be "gentle and kind." We remind her to ask for things with respect. Once in awhile we remember to give her a do-over. All of these techniques take the judgement out of our interactions. She doesn't feel ashamed of her behavior, but rather proud of herself for getting a chance to do it right.
We bought two books: 10 Mindful Minutes by Goldie Hawn, yes the actress (I have a new respect for her now after reading this book) and Sitting Still Like a Frog (comes with a cd of calming exercises). We have also put into practice the swings thanks to a friend of mine who has been attending seminars on sensory sensitive kiddos who tipped me off to the benefits of swinging. We found a playground with a chair swing and Turtle sits in there totally relaxed and I push her for 15 minutes as many days as we can. She loves it and asks for it everyday.
I have found that when I take Turtle to the swing that it's also my chance to let the day go and relax and approach the evening calmly. Or when I give Turtle a bath, I will now massage her with lotion before jammies (before I would just put on the lotion without taking the time to stress relaxation and give her a massage too). When I do this, I find myself calming down too. I will put on the Sitting Still Like a Frog CD and sit with her doing the exercises and ... wait for it ... I am calmer too. I don't feel as snappy as I did before. Now when I feel like I just want to yell at my kid to ... do whatever I need her to do that moment, I refocus myself and take a "mindful moment" to pull it together.
We say yes as often as possible. Can I open your straw? Yes. Can I plan the day? Yes. Can we have wonton soup for dinner? Yes. Can I help fold laundry? Yes. Can I help you cook dinner? Yes. Even though her help with these things takes more time, if the answer is yes, she is calmer and so happy to be contributing. It's worth the extra few minutes it takes. All of this seems obvious as I write it, but when you are in the thick of parenting a child with attachment disorder and abandonment anxiety, nothing is obvious. And when your own anxieties are hitting your threshold for tolerance, everything stops making sense. When she is lashing out at you verbally and physically, the only thing you can think to do is wrap her in your arms and hold on for dear life. But how many times can you do that? Well, as many as it takes, but it's very helpful to have these other tools too because the meltdowns are few now.
I'm really enjoying Turtle. I enjoyed her before, but the anxieties I had seem to be slipping away, which opens up the door to more and more relaxed enjoyment. I laugh a lot with her. We have great conversations. She feels heard and I love listening to her. She is quite funny. And she is more open to my needs now. Yesterday, she planned the whole day and we crammed a lot into one day. At our last stop she wanted to do ten million things (yes, exactly ten million things) and my purse felt like it weighed 65 pounds and I was really tired. So, I got down at her level and told her exactly that. Her response, "Well Mom, let's do one more thing and then we can go, okay." Yes, I could do one more thing. And true to her word, she cheerfully left after her "one more thing."
I hope some of these things work for you. Definitely pick up the two books I mentioned. They are available at Amazon and worth the time to read. Let me know what you are doing that seems to be working for your anxious little one.
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