PTSD
In TBRI training on Tuesday night, towards the end we were discussing the benefits of having dogs and how they are great for veterans with PTSD and the facilitator said that our kids have PTSD. And why wouldn't they? They were abandoned on the street (literally) to be found by someone who turned them over to police who turned them over to an orphanage (and in some cases they were turned over to foster care) and then ultimately turned over to us - their forever family. That is pretty god damned traumatic. That really stuck with me.
Tonight, Turtle had a meltdown (she hasn't had one in 2 or 3 weeks but she was exhausted and that was likely the trigger). I had to take a minute or two to gather myself before I could engage. I knew if I didn't get myself in the right place, we weren't going to make any progress. Towards the end of the meltdown, she kept telling me over and over again that I ruined her day (I wouldn't walk upstairs with her to get my phone so she could watch You Tube - she was welcome to go and get it if she wanted to) and she said, "I can't tape up my day because I only have tape for special days. I'm out of tape for regular days." With the help of water, Calm Forte, and her weighted blanket, she finally fell asleep.
Now that I know that we are dealing with PTSD (and I'm confident when I say that) it all makes more sense. If she flips out in the mall or the airport or a hotel lobby, I get it better now. It's PTSD and the brain works differently for people with PTSD. It's more primal and in survival mode, not in "I'm going to make my parent's evening as miserable as possible" mode. It explains why it's so hard for her to get herself back under control and that once calm she can melt again under little to no provocation. That lecturing her is not going to make it better, but worse. She can't process a lecture because she has zero control over herself when she is in that space. And I mean zero. She just needs her immediate needs met so that she can ultimately get herself under control and her amygdala can cede control of her brain.
I have a feeling that we won't have the same challenges with Mei Mei because she is older than Turtle was at adoption and in foster care. She is likely bonded with her care givers and that makes a difference. Turtle was not and she was only 9 months old. That is a critical time in brain development. Although ... we may have similar issues. Mei Mei will have 3 abandonments versus Turtle's 2. For Turtle, she was abandoned by her birth mother and then again by her orphanage when we adopted her. Mei Mei was abandoned by her birth mother and then again by her orphanage to the foster family and finally abandoned by her foster family when we adopt her. Make no mistake it is an abandonment. Her body will feel it as abandonment not as a joining to her forever family. She will eventually come to see it that way, but not at first.
We are total and complete strangers to her. We smell different. We look different. We speak differently. We eat strange foods. We are big. That is terrifying for a child. A child who speaks Chinese, understands Chinese, and has a routine that she follows comfortably. We are going to rip her away from that and establish new routines and teach her a new language and force ourselves on her by carrying her everywhere. We are going to take her to doctor's appointments where they will draw blood, stick needles in her, manipulate her limbs, cast her up, x-ray her, poke, prod, and examine her. I hope things are different for Mei Mei, but if they are not ... if Mei Mei exhibits signs of PTSD, I feel like we will be better equipped to handle it because her beautiful big sister is paving the way. I will fight to the death for my girls and it starts with learning how to parent a child with PTSD and make sure her needs are met. Tonight, they weren't. She has slept badly 2 nights in a row and had no nap at school.
As I was typing this, Turtle started to get fidgety in her sleep and eventually woke up and had another hour long meltdown. Nothing she said made sense. She told me to call her names and that she likes to have hurt feelings. Of course, I didn't do that. It's not the first time she has said things like that. As her mother, it's more painful than I can describe to hear your daughter beg and plead with you to hurt her feelings. When it was over, I laid in bed next to her and cried giant, ugly tears. I feel like we are making progress with her, but these episodes are so painful to watch and be a part of. All we can do is make sure she doesn't hurt herself and stay very close. But they hurt so badly. I wish there was a panacea, but this takes work to get right. I can only hope we are on the right path to helping our girl. She needs to build up her sense of safety, her sense of security, her sense of self ... please let me be doing the right things for this precious child whom I get to call my daughter.
Tonight, Turtle had a meltdown (she hasn't had one in 2 or 3 weeks but she was exhausted and that was likely the trigger). I had to take a minute or two to gather myself before I could engage. I knew if I didn't get myself in the right place, we weren't going to make any progress. Towards the end of the meltdown, she kept telling me over and over again that I ruined her day (I wouldn't walk upstairs with her to get my phone so she could watch You Tube - she was welcome to go and get it if she wanted to) and she said, "I can't tape up my day because I only have tape for special days. I'm out of tape for regular days." With the help of water, Calm Forte, and her weighted blanket, she finally fell asleep.
Now that I know that we are dealing with PTSD (and I'm confident when I say that) it all makes more sense. If she flips out in the mall or the airport or a hotel lobby, I get it better now. It's PTSD and the brain works differently for people with PTSD. It's more primal and in survival mode, not in "I'm going to make my parent's evening as miserable as possible" mode. It explains why it's so hard for her to get herself back under control and that once calm she can melt again under little to no provocation. That lecturing her is not going to make it better, but worse. She can't process a lecture because she has zero control over herself when she is in that space. And I mean zero. She just needs her immediate needs met so that she can ultimately get herself under control and her amygdala can cede control of her brain.
I have a feeling that we won't have the same challenges with Mei Mei because she is older than Turtle was at adoption and in foster care. She is likely bonded with her care givers and that makes a difference. Turtle was not and she was only 9 months old. That is a critical time in brain development. Although ... we may have similar issues. Mei Mei will have 3 abandonments versus Turtle's 2. For Turtle, she was abandoned by her birth mother and then again by her orphanage when we adopted her. Mei Mei was abandoned by her birth mother and then again by her orphanage to the foster family and finally abandoned by her foster family when we adopt her. Make no mistake it is an abandonment. Her body will feel it as abandonment not as a joining to her forever family. She will eventually come to see it that way, but not at first.
We are total and complete strangers to her. We smell different. We look different. We speak differently. We eat strange foods. We are big. That is terrifying for a child. A child who speaks Chinese, understands Chinese, and has a routine that she follows comfortably. We are going to rip her away from that and establish new routines and teach her a new language and force ourselves on her by carrying her everywhere. We are going to take her to doctor's appointments where they will draw blood, stick needles in her, manipulate her limbs, cast her up, x-ray her, poke, prod, and examine her. I hope things are different for Mei Mei, but if they are not ... if Mei Mei exhibits signs of PTSD, I feel like we will be better equipped to handle it because her beautiful big sister is paving the way. I will fight to the death for my girls and it starts with learning how to parent a child with PTSD and make sure her needs are met. Tonight, they weren't. She has slept badly 2 nights in a row and had no nap at school.
As I was typing this, Turtle started to get fidgety in her sleep and eventually woke up and had another hour long meltdown. Nothing she said made sense. She told me to call her names and that she likes to have hurt feelings. Of course, I didn't do that. It's not the first time she has said things like that. As her mother, it's more painful than I can describe to hear your daughter beg and plead with you to hurt her feelings. When it was over, I laid in bed next to her and cried giant, ugly tears. I feel like we are making progress with her, but these episodes are so painful to watch and be a part of. All we can do is make sure she doesn't hurt herself and stay very close. But they hurt so badly. I wish there was a panacea, but this takes work to get right. I can only hope we are on the right path to helping our girl. She needs to build up her sense of safety, her sense of security, her sense of self ... please let me be doing the right things for this precious child whom I get to call my daughter.
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