The Adventures of Adoption and Parenthood

It's generally considered a bad thing to have too many things. You should get your joy from people and the environment not from things. And in general, I agree. However, after observing both of my daughters I have come to realize that for them, things equal permanence. Segunda bounces up and down at the prospect of having something that is only hers. Of course she does. Nothing has belonged to her until she joined our family. She has one pair of shoes that I bought for her last week and she could not be happier about them. If she isn't wearing them, she is proudly carrying them around. No, I'm not depriving her. The child cannot walk and she cannot wear hard soles. So, she only needs one pair until her feet are straightened. Then we will go shopping for regular shoes. She gets happy and smiley when she is the proud owner of a new book or rubber duck, as my parents found out yesterday when they took her and Prima shopping. And I got to thinking. For Segunda, and for Prim...

Prima starts Kindergarten next month. I'm not ready. Just yesterday I accepted my beautiful stoic child outside a conference room in a hotel hallway. Just yesterday she crawled with the remote control as enticement. Just yesterday she got a black eye when she trip/stumbled/first stepped her way across the floor. Just yesterday she held up her arms and said "pickee up." Just yesterday she held tight to a worn out Elmo. Just yesterday was her first day of preschool and her tear-stained face is forever etched in my brain. Just yesterday she discovered her love of dolphins, whales and sea turtles. Just yesterday she discovered her love of cars and Lightning McQueen. Just yesterday she discovered her love of planes. Just yesterday she discovered her future profession as a helicopter pilot for paleontologists. Just yesterday she memorized Dinosaurs A to Z. I'm ready. Tomorrow she will learn to read. Tomorrow she will make new friends. Tomorrow she will str...

Segunda has been home just over 7 weeks and I am a stranger and so is she. When I tell her no and take the remote control away she looks at me very confused and with the eyes of a stranger. When I help her climb onto her walking toy, she smiles and claps and looks at me like I'm the best baby sitter in the world. Today I tried to teach her how zippers work and she just shoved it away and moved away from me as though I had no right to teach her something that is reserved for a mother. This is something, that as an adoptive parent, you expect intellectually, but when it happens, it hurts and it's frustrating. And yet as an adoptive parent, you persevere because you know that someday she will get it. Someday she will understand that you are her mama and that she isn't going back to her foster mama. And someday she won't want to go back to her foster mama. Watching Segunda watch me, I can see the wheels turning in her head wondering when she gets to go back to her mama, w...

I am the mother of two amazing girls. One is 5 years old and I'm renaming her Prima. The other is 22 months old and I'm renaming her Segunda. Prima is smart, sensitive, thoughtful, a poor listener, a professional talker; Segunda is wiley, determined, loves praise, a picky eater. Both are jealous. I see families on tv and out in public who have it together. Obviously the tv families are fake, but I want to have what they have. The moms react exactly right over spilled milk. I start yelling at Segunda to stop spitting her milk out. She likes to fill her mouth and then spit out the contents. Annoying. And gross. The moms on tv know exactly how to handle their kids jealousy or fighting. I sit on the couch while the two of them fight over my lap getting kicked, elbowed in the boob, and having my glasses knocked off my face. The moms on tv do all of these enriching activities with their children. I just find them enervating. Construction paper kites - who has time for that. O...

I've been asked the question "So, how are you doing with all of this?" when people learn about Mei Mei's Hypophosphatasia diagnosis. It is a well meaning question, and people ask it because we didn't know about before we adopted her. I imagine people would ask the same question if we birthed a child who had a birth defect or genetic issue. However, I am not the one with HPP. Mei Mei is. She is the one who has to live with it her entire life.  My struggle will be watching her struggle and that is all. She will go through surgeries, casts, braces, walkers, maybe even a special diet. This diagnosis just makes me that much more grateful to be her mother. I'm learning a ton and meeting some amazing people who have been there. I'm connecting with the Little People of America  and Soft Bones, Inc. to learn more and gain and give support. It's the most wonderful thing. So, how am I doing with all this? I'm thriving and loving my child more each day.

Social Media is often vilified. It takes you away from paying attention to your child's every need; it takes you away from paying attention to your husband's every want; etc. etc. etc. But for me, it opens the doors to a network of people I would never know otherwise. I have "mom" friends, adoptive and bio, from all over the world I would not know without social media. These friends, most of whom I have never met, provide an invaluable service. When any of us struggle with the latest behavior issue of our children, we put up a post on Facebook and get instant supportive feedback on what has worked for others. If our child is struggling with a medical issue from cancer to a hive, there we are, ready to lend a supporting hand even if it's just a comment that we are here and offering virtual support. The weight that takes off of our shoulders to have that network behind us is indescribable. If we are struggling with how to parent, there they are ready to lend a han...