I am a Stranger
Segunda has been home just over 7 weeks and I am a stranger and so is she. When I tell her no and take the remote control away she looks at me very confused and with the eyes of a stranger. When I help her climb onto her walking toy, she smiles and claps and looks at me like I'm the best baby sitter in the world. Today I tried to teach her how zippers work and she just shoved it away and moved away from me as though I had no right to teach her something that is reserved for a mother.
This is something, that as an adoptive parent, you expect intellectually, but when it happens, it hurts and it's frustrating. And yet as an adoptive parent, you persevere because you know that someday she will get it. Someday she will understand that you are her mama and that she isn't going back to her foster mama. And someday she won't want to go back to her foster mama. Watching Segunda watch me, I can see the wheels turning in her head wondering when she gets to go back to her mama, wondering how long she has to stay here, wondering when she will get the foods she is accustomed to, wondering when her playmates will be there to play with her again.
At night, when she has nightmares, I get up and I rock her and I hold her and I murmur into her ear that Mama is here, but in the light from the street I can see her looking at me with the eyes of an infant - dark, focused inward, and reaching out blindly for comfort from anywhere. She accepts the comfort, but does so only because I am the only one available to give it.
When she is stressed, such as at the doctor's office, she calls out for "mama." But which mama? Someday it will mean me and there will be no question, but now I often wonder if she isn't crying out for her foster mama.
She has no English words yet. I think deep down in the recesses of her brain, she knows that speaking English means accepting that there is no going back so she doesn't do it. She understands nearly everything we say to her. When we ask her to say "up" if she wants to be picked up or "all done" when she is done eating, she just stares at us blankly and continues grunting.
I believe that while she was left to her own devices a great deal of the time in her foster family, that this is normal course for Chinese families. I also believe that she was loved and very well cared for. We got a selfie of her foster father in our developed pictures and the humorous expression on his face spoke volumes. I believe this is why there is some resistance in our little girl to accept us as her new family.
She is slowly attaching to us. She started attaching to us the day we got her, which was pure magic. But attachment doesn't happen in a day, or a week, or a month, or even 6 months. Attachment and bonding typically take the same amount of time that the child was not with you. So, Segunda should be fully bonded with us in about 20 months, but it could take longer.
To remind myself that she is attaching to us, this morning was pure bliss for me as Segunda fell back asleep in my arms snuggling in my bed. She doesn't do that. She is the child who resists us. She puts herself to sleep, she plays by herself. Lately she has preferred to eat while seated in my lap, another small step in the right direction. At nap time, after only an hour and a half, she woke up but fell back asleep in my arms as I rocked her.
We are getting there, but it is a slow process and it is a painful one for all parties involved. If you are adopting or are a newly formed adoptive family, remember to give yourselves time to attach and bond to each other. Prima didn't even start to attach to us for the first 6 months. We got her at 9 months and the attachment and bonding process took at least 18 months with her. Don't rush it. When you are feeling frustrated, look at your child and remember how hard this is for them. Approach them with compassion and love. Wear them whenever possible and ALWAYS pick them up when they cry and offer them words of comfort. Love, patience and lots of deep breaths will see you through.
This is something, that as an adoptive parent, you expect intellectually, but when it happens, it hurts and it's frustrating. And yet as an adoptive parent, you persevere because you know that someday she will get it. Someday she will understand that you are her mama and that she isn't going back to her foster mama. And someday she won't want to go back to her foster mama. Watching Segunda watch me, I can see the wheels turning in her head wondering when she gets to go back to her mama, wondering how long she has to stay here, wondering when she will get the foods she is accustomed to, wondering when her playmates will be there to play with her again.
At night, when she has nightmares, I get up and I rock her and I hold her and I murmur into her ear that Mama is here, but in the light from the street I can see her looking at me with the eyes of an infant - dark, focused inward, and reaching out blindly for comfort from anywhere. She accepts the comfort, but does so only because I am the only one available to give it.
When she is stressed, such as at the doctor's office, she calls out for "mama." But which mama? Someday it will mean me and there will be no question, but now I often wonder if she isn't crying out for her foster mama.
She has no English words yet. I think deep down in the recesses of her brain, she knows that speaking English means accepting that there is no going back so she doesn't do it. She understands nearly everything we say to her. When we ask her to say "up" if she wants to be picked up or "all done" when she is done eating, she just stares at us blankly and continues grunting.
I believe that while she was left to her own devices a great deal of the time in her foster family, that this is normal course for Chinese families. I also believe that she was loved and very well cared for. We got a selfie of her foster father in our developed pictures and the humorous expression on his face spoke volumes. I believe this is why there is some resistance in our little girl to accept us as her new family.
She is slowly attaching to us. She started attaching to us the day we got her, which was pure magic. But attachment doesn't happen in a day, or a week, or a month, or even 6 months. Attachment and bonding typically take the same amount of time that the child was not with you. So, Segunda should be fully bonded with us in about 20 months, but it could take longer.
To remind myself that she is attaching to us, this morning was pure bliss for me as Segunda fell back asleep in my arms snuggling in my bed. She doesn't do that. She is the child who resists us. She puts herself to sleep, she plays by herself. Lately she has preferred to eat while seated in my lap, another small step in the right direction. At nap time, after only an hour and a half, she woke up but fell back asleep in my arms as I rocked her.
We are getting there, but it is a slow process and it is a painful one for all parties involved. If you are adopting or are a newly formed adoptive family, remember to give yourselves time to attach and bond to each other. Prima didn't even start to attach to us for the first 6 months. We got her at 9 months and the attachment and bonding process took at least 18 months with her. Don't rush it. When you are feeling frustrated, look at your child and remember how hard this is for them. Approach them with compassion and love. Wear them whenever possible and ALWAYS pick them up when they cry and offer them words of comfort. Love, patience and lots of deep breaths will see you through.
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