The Adventures of Adoption and Parenthood

The above is a selection of toys that Turtle got for Christmas. For this of you who follow this blog, you know that Turtle is a girl. But looking at these toys many people would make the mistake of thinking Turtle was a boy.  Magformers, Dusty Crophopper, die-cast helicopters, model helicopters, F-22 fighter jet, and so on. She didn't get a single "girl" toy for Christmas much to her relief. We are fortunate to have thoughtful family and friends who recognize that getting her princesses, dolls, and dress up is a waste of money because she won't play with them. It doesn't make her less of a girl. But I recently read a stream of comments on a friend's FB post about her son getting a pink stroller for his 2nd birthday. One of her friends was adamant that she was confusing her son and was sure to point out that he is not a girl. She even went on to say that she clearly needed to have a daughter to fulfill her fantasies of girl toys. I was disgusted with this ...

There was another school shooting today. All of them make me unspeakably sad, but this one made me weep. I did not know anyone closely who attended the school and chances are very good, that I don't know the teachers either. But Arapahoe High School is my alma mater. I graduated in 1989. Today, as I heard the news I was back in those hallways. I was sitting in one of the booths in the cafeteria. I was attending my favorite class. I was accessing my locker. I remember those locker-lined halls. I remember the two locations of my lockers. I had one when I first started at the school, and my locker-mate thought it would be funny to take the new girl's books with her to class so that I had nothing. Me being me, I went straight to the principal who tracked her down and got my books back. I had a new locker in the other long hallway the next day to myself and she got another locker-mate. Karma. I remember gym class and the locker room. I remember the location of my favorite ...

As parents, we hear about the Terrible Twos. Turtle was tantrum free at two. What is three? I called it the Theatrical Threes, because there was a bit of drama. Not much, but certainly more than at two. Four. Ah, Four. Fearsome Fours maybe. Four Sucks! Suddenly we have loud blatant defiance. We have loud and determined No's! coming out of Turtle. We have a lot of misbehavior and testing. As a parent, you are supposed to pick your battles, but how do you know which ones to pick? There are so many lately. The other day, she insisted on walking backwards down the hall at school and crashed into a door. I told her to turn around and she said, loudly and simply, "No!" I am so taken aback by this. This is not my Turtle. Turtle is obedient. Turtle is a rule-follower. What the hell is going on? So, we stop in the hallway and I say her name in a loud voice. She looks up at me startled, turns around and leans into me like a little old lady who needs help crossing the street. We w...

About a week ago, I told all of my Facebook friends how much of a pain in the butt the Elf on the Shelf is. And it is. Every night there is the pressure to move her to a new spot and to get creative. I'm not creative. I have to use Pinterest for my ideas. And I don't enjoy messes. Well, I got a lesson this morning in why Elf on the Shelf is worth it. Yesterday, we took Turtle to see Santa Claus at the North Pole. She nervously stood next to Santa Claus - not close enough to touch him, but near him. He asked her what she wanted for Christmas, and she stammered out that she wanted to tell her Elf what she wanted: Santa: What is your Elf's name? Turtle: Dolphin Santa: Okay, I'll talk to Dolphin when I see her tonight. But you know the elves are ornery this year. They are going to string toilet paper on Christmas trees and use flour and sugar to make snow angels on your kitchen table. Last year, some of them even made zip lines. Turtle was smiling. She was smiling...

Thanksgiving … in my family it has always included the entire family. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents … I have always looked forward to Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays. My grandparents on my mom's side hosted it when I was growing up. The table was always heaped with turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, homemade biscuits, creamed corn, and pumpkin pie and lots and lots of laughter. My Uncle had some very funny stories and a  contagious laugh. My grandmother once told a story about her sister who always managed to go the bathroom when it was time to do the dishes. My grandfather was quiet, but every so often he would bring out some great one liner that brought the house down. When I was a little girl, I asked my grandmother if I could have pumpkin pie for breakfast on Thanksgiving morning. When you're little, you'll dare anything. You could have heard a pin drop. My grandmother's answer was a res...

4 years ago yesterday, we were handed our "chubby baby." As anyone can tell you who gives birth or adopts a baby, it was probably the most surreal experience of my life. We were in a travel group with 8 other families and we were receiving 10 babies. We flew to our daughter's city in the morning and had a meeting in a hotel conference with all of the families and our guide at 3:00 in the afternoon. Our guide went around the room asking us to introduce ourselves and tell her our babies Chinese name. Then she scared the crap out of us. She told us that our babies would scream for hours; they would bond with one parent and strongly resist the other parent; that all of our paperwork said our babies liked baths, but they had never had one - only a sponge bath; the bath will make the babies shriek; their belly buttons are dirty because the Chinese people believe that evil spirits get in through the belly button so it is allowed to get dirty to keep them out; don't undr...

This morning I opened my eyes around 6:30 and looked over at Turtle who was staring at me with the saddest expression on her face. Me: Turtle, why are you sad? Turtle: I don't know. So, I scooped her up and held her against me cozy under the covers. After all, we all get sad for no reason and I could certainly relate. While I was laying there snuggling Turtle thinking about sadness, I remembered the day of my father's funeral in 2006. My step mother had disallowed me from attending his funeral (the reasons are a story for another time), but I flew to California anyway because my Aunt welcomed me with open arms and it would be good to see my Aunt and cousins anyway. They were scattering my father's ashes in the Oakland Bay. So I went with them because there was this great little bayside shopping area right on the water. They all got on a boat and left me forlorn on land. I bought a cup of coffee and went and found this very out of the way place where I could watch the...

I don't know what to call Turtle's frequent attacks: anxiety attacks, abandonment issues ... But it doesn't really matter what you call it - it's real, it's awful for her, and we get through each one minute by minute. A couple of weekends ago, Turtle had a major one that started in a restaurant. We were finishing lunch and she wanted to know where her pin was (she was referring to her wing pin she got from a commercial airline pilot). Me: "I'm so sorry. I forgot them. They are at home. We'll remember next time we go to Wings Over the Rockies." Turtle: Looking positively devastated, "You always forget! And you promised!" Hyperventilating, shouting at me that I NEVER remember. I picked her up and carried her rag doll body out of the restaurant and to the car. At this stage in her meltdown, she doesn't really want me near her (I think I've written about that before). She wants her distance. So I loaded her into her car seat an...

Do you remember sleeping in on the weekends? Me neither. What is with children? You can't drag them out of bed on a school day, but on the weekends they are ready to get the day started at 4:30 in the morning. And naps ... on a Saturday or Sunday ... you must be joking. But at school 2 1/2 hours at least.

If you are like me, you had plenty of judgment for moms and dads out there and you just knew you could do it better. Well .... I remember saying to myself and as I strolled through the grocery store childless listening to some kid scream her head off as she clung to the side of the grocery cart, "I will NEVER allow my child to do that." Correction: I most certainly will. I remember one day when Turtle was about 2 I was in Home Depot humming Christmas carols shopping for Christmas decorations, Turtle was screaming her head off. She was seated in the cart just screaming and screaming. I ignored her and continued shopping. An employee came up to me and asked if Turtle could have candy. I said, "Sure, is she annoying you?" The woman said, "Oh no, it's you I'm worried about." I was stunned. I was placidly shopping and periodically cooing to Turtle to try to calm her down. But I wasn't going to give in to her demands, which was to have me hold ...

Tonight was the Fall Festival at Turtle's school. All of the children brought their costumes to school for the party that started at 5:00.  Teachers had them in their costumes in time for the party. Games, food and trunk or treating. Fun! We got there and Turtle was not in her costume. She asked for Dusty Crophopper and has had the costume since mid-September. It hung in her closet and everyday she went into her closet and looked at and admired Dusty. Her candy basket (also Dusty Crophopper) sat on top of the refrigerator. Everyday she stood next to the refrigerator and gazed up at the basket longingly even asked if it could also serve as her Easter basket. We brought the basket with us for trunk or treating. But she was not in her costume. All around us are spidermen, iron men, supermen, Belles, Ariels, and veterinarians. And there she stood in her black pants and black shirt looking forlorn. I immediately took her out of the mainstream of children and parents and sat down with ...

We have had a load of giggles and laughter coming from Turtle of late. It is the most musical thing I have ever heard. Sometimes she laughs so hard I can't understand a word she is trying to tell us, but it's obviously hilarious. And here is what makes me laugh, or at least smile: "Mom, what is that red thing in my vagina called again?" "A clitoris." She gazes down south and says, "How come I can't see it?" Me doing an excellent deadpan, "I'm sure it's down there somewhere." The ensuing investigation resulted a fit of giggles and I'm sure you know why. "When I'm a mommy can I play with my mommy nipples?" "Yes." "Whenever I want?" "Yes. You can play with them now if you want." (Yes, I'm that mom.) "Okay," and off she runs for her bedroom. I want to encourage healthy exploration and no shame. I never want her to be ashamed of her body and I want her to b...

Last night during dinner, husband and I were discussing when we needed to enroll Turtle in kindergarten. Turtle suddenly became tearful and upset. The questions came: "Mommy, will I be all alone in kindergarten?" "I won't know my teachers names?" "What if they leave me by myself?" "I won't know anyone." She climbed into my lap fighting tears and trying to talk around the lump in her throat continued these questions and concerns. We did our best to reassure her by telling her that she would get to meet her teacher before school even began and she would learn her teacher's name. We told her that all teachers will introduce themselves and that they have special ways of making children feel safe and comfortable in the classroom. We told her that some of her friends from preschool will be in her kindergarten class and it won't be all new kids. We told her that she had an entire year before she had to go there. Her preschool play...

It seems lately that other people's blog posts are inspiring my own. Today I read a blog post written by a man who was incensed by women judging his wife for staying home to raise their twins. His point was that motherhood is the most important that we can do. We shape human beings and teach them morals and how to get along in the world. It's not laziness to stay at home with your kids. It takes a lot of work. Towards the end of his post he discussed how we, as a society, tend to glorify being busy. It's like a badge of honor to be over-scheduled. I've given this a lot of thought since I became a mom not quite 4 years ago. We have watched our friends with kids run around with crazy schedules: this one to soccer, this one to dance, grab a snack and go get the first one and transport to new soccer field, run back pick up the second one for her soccer, and on and on. Holy Moly! I do not have the energy for that. Of course, I have one kid. I make it a point to be done ...

I've shared a blog on FB that discusses things all Adoptive Parents should know about their children, and each time I read it I get something else out of it.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lesli-johnson/adoption_b_2161590.html  here it is for you, if you wish to read it. I often wonder if Turtle hasn't developed a "fake self" with her strict attention to rules and constant need for permission to do anything. She also apologizes for every little thing that goes wrong including things she has absolutely nothing to do with. If I drop an article of clothing on the floor, she apologizes and picks it up. She has verbalized that she is worried we will "switch her out for another child" and has even suggested it to us, as if to say we would be happier with a different child. She has never been a tantrumy child and is always watching us for clues on how she should behave. She will often ask (several times a week), "Mommy, if I cheated, would you still love...

As a working mom with a husband who travels A LOT, I need easy weekday meals that make it easy to feed Turtle something healthy. I have explored many blogs and Pinterest pins and finally found two (Freezer Cooking and The Test Kitchen of Melissa Fallis) that helped me prepare 10 meals in 2 1/2 hours for my freezer. Below is the grocery list and recipes. I hope this helps you get inspired to tackle this not so overwhelming project. Grocery List: Fresh Produce: 3 Green Peppers 1 Red Pepper 1 Zucchini 1 Red Onion 1 Bag of Yellow onions (need 8 - 10) 1 Bag of Red Potatoes (You need 12) 1 Large Bag of Carrots or 2 medium bags of baby carrots 1 Bunch of celery 1 Head of garlic Meat: 3.5 - 4 pounds of Chicken Breast (I bought 3 bags of frozen, skinless chicken breasts) 3 - 4 pounds of beef stew meat 1 - 1.5 pounds of ground beef Other Groceries: 2 20 oz cans of Chunked Pineapple 1 15 oz can of tomato sauce 2 6 oz cans of tomato paste 1 28 oz can of diced tomatoes ...

I have argued and argued with myself, for weeks and weeks, over this particular post. “Coming out” as an atheist is very difficult to do. I now place myself in the hands of those who may judge me instantly and not kindly. I place myself in the hands of people who will begin to try and “save” me. I fear the phone calls and emails that may follow judging me and begging me to find god. But I have decided to go forward, because I know that I am not the only atheist out there raising children in a largely Christian society. It’s odd how difficult it can be to parent a child when your family does not practice any religion. I am an atheist and my husband is a non-practicing [nobody’s business], so we don’t raise Turtle involved in a church. I am continually amazed by the number of people who tell me how wonderful it is that god provided me with a child. For one thing, it is very presumptuous to assume that I am a Christian and, therefore, believe what they believe. Until now, I have ...

Today is the Mid Autumn Moon Festival. To be honest, it slipped right by me. As it has done every year since we brought Turtle home. Luckily she is 4 and doesn't know yet what she is missing. But she soon will. As an adoptive parent of a Chinese child, I feel it is incumbent upon me to help her embrace and celebrate her birth culture. You can glean some information on the internet about the various holidays and their significance but not a true understanding of their celebrations. The Mid Autumn Moon Festival started as mountain worship following a successful harvest. It morphed into moon worship over the years and now the primary symbol of the festival are lit up lanterns. No one is really sure when and why lanterns were introduced, but it is now so significant that to have a celebration without them would be like Christmas without Santa Claus. We have two lanterns that were given to us long before we were matched with Turtle. They don't light up and hang in her, as yet ...

I had another blog post in mind for today, but it's still percolating about language and the question why. But today, I want to talk about a blog post I just read about what a 4-year old needs to know. Here is the link if you are interested  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alicia-bayer-/what-should-a-4-year-old-know_b_3931921.html . This blog post discussed mostly what a parent needs to know and pointed out that kids need all the love and attention we can give them. The post unexpectedly made me tear up at my own parenting. I have failed! I don't read to Turtle as much as I should. I read to her everyday, but only for a few minutes. And I'm heartily sick of reading Lightning McQueen stories, but she clearly has not had enough. I don't want to read the same Planes story about Dusty Crophopper winning the Wings Around the Globe Rally. Ugh! So, I resist reading to her because I'm tired of those stories. Shame on me! I have to find it in myself to re-energize those tire...

I'll admit I was in the dark around bullying at such a young age. I truly didn't expect to have to help my daughter navigate the dark corridors of dealing with a bully at age 4. But she is and we are navigating as best we can. Turtle has a friend in school I'll call Jane. Jane dominates Turtle's life at school. She takes charge and doesn't allow Turtle to deviate. Yes, that's right. I said Jane doesn't ALLOW Turtle to do anything but what Jane wants and how Jane wants it. She doesn't respect Turtle's personal space insisting on hugs when I pick Turtle up from school. When Turtle tells Jane she doesn't want a hug, Jane practically knocks her over in her efforts to smother her leaving Turtle upset and often in tears. The conversations we have after school are disturbing because of the language Turtle uses: "she won't let me ..." "I'm not allowed to ..." It's no exaggeration to say I'm terrified of that langua...

I have noticed that if Turtle is preoccupied with a reward, she can't focus on the activity at hand. For example, she loves chocolate and if she knows chocolate is for dessert, she has a hard time eating dinner because she is so eager for dessert. So, I have tried giving her the chocolate before dinner and SHOCK she eats her dinner quite nicely after she gets her dessert. Now she knows what it's all about. We saw this on our vacation to San Diego recently. She had her eye on a blue killer whale at Sea World and wanted it badly. I kept asking her to look around at all the gift shops and make sure she didn't want a dolphin or sea  turtle because she was only allowed one. She became very surly and ill-tempered. So, what did I do? Most parents would simply tell their child that they now didn't get a souvenir at all because of this terrible attitude and who would blame them. My husband was struggling with my idea because her behavior certainly did not warrant any kind ...

For some reason, 4 seems to be the age of death exploration around here. We have conversations like this one all the time: Turtle: Mom, wouldn't it be crazy if dead people were walking around the USS Midway [we visited there recently]? Me: That would be crazy. But how would a dead person walk around the USS Midway? Turtle: So, when your hair turns white, you are alive for a little bit and then you die. Right Mom? Me: For some people, yes. Turtle: I wish I died when I was a baby. That would be crazy. Me: Oh my goodness, that would be crazy and I'm very glad you didn't die when you were a baby. Turtle: I want to live forever, because I don't want anybody to get my stuff. Me: Well, Sweetie, you get to say who gets your stuff when you die. Turtle: I will write it down on a piece of paper who gets my stuff and I will donate my body to somebody who wants it. Me: That's a good idea. Turtle: Will you donate your body? Me: Yes Turtle: Will D...

50 years ago today Martin Luther King Jr stood in our nation's capital and delivered a speech to 250,000 people. The I Have a Dream Speech. The speech that captured an entire movement in one speech given by one man. In his speech, he said, "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up, and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.'" The Civil Rights Movement was a long overdue effort to gain the same rights and freedoms for a repressed people that white America enjoyed: the right to vote, the right to eat in any restaurant, the right to sit anywhere on a bus, the right to walk down the street unmolested, the right to go to school, the right to run for office. There is little doubt that we have made progress as a society, but there is still an enormous amount of work to be done. As long as there are people living on reservations in dire poverty, as long as there are people being spi...