The Adventures of Adoption and Parenthood

I welcome 2015. It's the first year since 2005 (when we initiated the adoption process for Prima) that we weren't waiting for something, or rather someone. Now both of our babies are safe at home and no more waiting. It's the beginning of a new chapter in our family. Time to more forward. I am not a resolution maker. I don't have the energy to make such definitive statements about my endeavors in the coming months. We all learn as we become adults, the future is ever changing and flexible and not at all predictable. But a few things I am working on and will continue to work on are: Find ways to be patient. Find ways to take a moment to think before reacting. Find ways to stop and listen. Find the energy to play with my children. Find an ability to release control. Find ways to stop worrying about my own perceived deadlines such as getting the kids to bed promptly at 7:00, which is difficult if not downright impossible on karate nights. Find ways to reach ...

It was Segunda's first Christmas and the first Christmas that Prima really and truly got it. And like a lot of parents out there, we were navigating the meltdown minefield leading up to Christmas and post-Christmas. Christmas Eve, Prima had a mammoth meltdown. I carried her to her room, and helped her calm down. It took at least 30 - 40 minutes for her to get it under the control. In the meantime, she kicked me in the head and refused every offer of comfort: weighted blanket, big blanket, house blanket (yes they all are  distinct blankets). I continued speaking calmly to her as she raved and raged. Eventually she calmed down. I needed a stiff drink, but acquiesced to her request to play Uno on my bed. Then I let her help me sort Legos from my Christmas present to myself. Let me say here that I buy myself Christmas Legos every year in the hopes that I can have several hours of solitude to put them together. Once a year, I want some time to myself to sort, assemble, and meticulously ...

It took 6 1/2 months, and Segunda has rage. Lots and lots of rage. When we were at the Shriner's Hospital for Children in St. Louis, she showed me for the first time. She woke up from her nap and went straight into a massive, rage filled meltdown. She was kicking her legs and trying to slam her head into the side rails of the hospital bed. She pushed her face into the bed and screamed and screamed. She kept calling out "Mama" and shoving me away. I was not the mama she was calling for. I wanted to cry for her pain. Nurses would come in and ask if she was okay. And I would explain each time that she just needed to get it out of her system and that she didn't want me to touch her which was why I was not actively trying to comfort her. My job at that moment was to keep her from falling off of the hospital bed and stop her from slamming her head into the side rails. I did that job for 25 minutes. Then we walked and we walked and we walked. Finally she was able to return t...

We checked into Shriner's Hospital, Segunda and I, yesterday morning. The trip started out auspiciously. We flew into St. Louis Sunday. We checked into our hotel for our one night of luxury. We played on the big bed. We met friends at the mall and had a wonderful meal together. We conked out nice and early. Yesterday morning, we got a lift to the hospital from the hotel shuttle. Checked in without a hitch. Oh wait ... So, I wasn't really at all prepared for this hospital stay. I just wasn't. I know moms and dads who have stayed in  hospitals for weeks and months with their sick children. And all I can say is - you parents are true, through and through super heroes. Plain and simple. The first thing I learned was that we had a roommate. The introvert in me shrieked in horror inside my head. Then I learned that there was a shower/bathtub combo down the hall for ALL of the families in the research center to share. What the what?! No toilet in there, just a tub and a shower a...

The other day, I took Prima to get her flu vaccine. It was the kind they squirt up her nose and not a shot, but she had never had that one before. On the way there, she said she was afraid. I told her it was okay to be afraid, but they were just going to squirt something up her nose and not poke her with a needle. We arrived at the pharmacy and she was practically having a seizure over the idea of this vaccine. I explained again that they weren't giving her a shot, they were just squirting something up her nose. She said this ... "I don't trust anyone!" Wha??? Me: Do you trust me? Prima: A little bit. [and she held up her index finger and thumb a little bit apart to give me a visual.] Me: Have I ever lied to you? Prima: No. Me: When you get shots, do I tell they will hurt or not hurt? Prima: Hurt. Me: When you asked about getting your ears pierced and if it would hurt, how did I answer you? Prima: You said that it would hurt. [to be clear her ears are N...

If I could do it again, I would do it differently. If I could do the 2nd China trip and every moment since then over again, I would do them differently. Creating balance in a family of 3 when adding a 4th is challenging in ways I did not expect. But I did expect too much from Prima. It hit me twice today. Once this morning when she tearfully told me that she was feeling cranky because she wished things were the way they used to be. She wished she got more quiet time, but not away from me (she is afraid that if she asks for quiet time we will tell her to go to her bedroom and play quietly instead of finding a way to keep Segunda quiet - and honestly that's exactly what we would have done) and she wished our "no's" weren't so loud. I asked her what she meant about the last one and she said, "when [Segunda] threw a book and Daddy said No to her really loud it was too loud." I was sitting on the toilet lid, holding Prima in my lap, keeping one eye on Segunda...

Since I'm not a doctor, I'm not going to write a list of the 10 symptoms to be aware of or the 35 things that change after you bring home a baby. I'm just going to tell you my story in hopes that if you recognize some of these things in yourself, you reach out. And if you share this, then maybe others might see it in themselves and, in turn, reach out. I think for me the pressure began building in China. What was I doing? Prima was a wreck because she was afraid that mommy suddenly didn't have time for her. Segunda needed lots of extra attention because, well, she was scared shitless. And, for some reason, I felt that it was all me that needed to comfort and soothe my children. Why? My husband was, and is, perfectly capable of handling the children. When I lose my patience, he suddenly has a reservoir of it. When he loses his patience, I have a reservoir of it. We complement each other that way. But lately my patience has been coming in puddles and not reservoirs. I...

Okay, yes I know that the titans of Greek Mythology were giants, but so is my Tiny Titan. I'm talking about Segunda. My Mighty Girl. I'm learning that she is an amazing fighter. She was born with a rare genetic bone disease that kills 50% of people born with it and many think that anyone born with it outside of "the West" has a survival rate of probably 0%. But it's not 0% because ... Segunda. We have been her parents for a little over four months and in that time period, she has shown us how truly titanic she is. She has pains in her bones and we can tell because there are days when I can't really touch her legs for lotion or bathing without her shoving my hand away and fussing at me. But she smiles the next second. When her teeth become loose, I think that comes with some pain too, because she screams and cries when I brush her teeth no matter how gentle I am. But when it's over, her favorite thing to do is hug me, press her face against mine and loo...

All day long I have felt like I should write a post today. You see, it's my youngest child's 2nd birthday, sort of. The day we were given as the day of her birth is today, but it's likely 2 - 3 weeks from now. I thought I would be sad that I missed her 1st birthday and I'm pretty okay with it. I think it's because I know she was cared for and loved by her foster family during that time. She is too young to understand what birthday's represent. For adopted kids, they are complicated. Birthdays mean presents and cake and friends and parties and fun things. Birthdays mean that someone far away made an intentional decision to leave them somewhere: on the sidewalk outside of a hospital, a bank, a shop, a police station, on a villager's doorstep. Birthdays mean that they don't know why their birth parents chose to abandon them. Birthdays mean coping with the idea that your Mommy and Daddy wanted you and fought for you and would die for you but that in order ...

I love that there is a firetruck in my powder room. I love that there are purple princess dress up shoes in the master bathroom. I love that there is a red car and a blue car on the floor of the master bedroom. I love that there are Legos on the dining room table. I love that there is a stuffy bald eagle on my kitchen counter. I love that there is an orange bottle of bubbles in my daughters's bathroom. I love that two medals hang from the doorknob going out the garage. I love that there is an impossibly large container of animal crackers on top of the refrigerator. I love that there is a playpen in my room. I love that there is a sleeping bag and tent in my room. I love that my children's beds have never been slept in. I love that my bed has stuffed animals and children's blankets in it. I love that Little House in the Big Woods is on my night table. I love that there is a coloring book on the kitchen table. There are beloved children living in my house.

Well, we have had Segunda for 3 months tomorrow. I keep feeling like things are happening at a snail's pace. It took forever to get her Certificate of Citizenship. We still don't know a whole lot about Hypophosphatasia (HPP). We have made no progress on adjusting her feet and stretching her achilles. She isn't talking. We still don't have her birth certificate or social security card. And on and on. But when I stop and take stock, we have accomplished a ridiculous amount in 3 months: Segunda voluntarily gives hugs and kisses, especially to her mama. When she is stressed, she just holds on tight to me and won't let go (not that I want her to). She let's me cuddle and rock her before bed now. She is saying "ma" and "da" which seem to mean mom and dad. She also makes the "ba" sound for book and bird. She started school. Tomorrow will start her 3rd week in casts on her hands. Her final tooth came through (split in half, but it's...

I'm upset. People spend a lot of time complaining about the evils in the world, and I do too. When I started seeing videos on Facebook of people dumping buckets of ice water on their heads, I didn't get it. So I looked into it and realized that they were dumping ice water on their heads to raise awareness for ALS. I thought, wow, that's pretty great and people sure are having fun. Then my husband got tagged and he and Prima had so much fun preparing for and doing their ice bucket challenge video that I really got behind the awareness campaign. How wonderful is it that something as simple as dumping some water on your head has swept the nation and is raising an incredible amount of awareness, and money, at the same time. So why am I upset, because people keep bitching about it. It's wasting water Why don't people just donate People are grandstanding for attention Somebody even claimed people were drowning Give me a break, people. Most people are standi...

To make ends meet, most families have to have working parents. No question. Well, how do you juggle all the requirements of your child's school and extra-curricular activities when each one seems to think and expect that you have ample time to dedicate to their cause? Kindergarten hasn't even started and already we are expected at a 9:00 am event to "parent network" tomorrow morning; a 5:00 pm Back to School Night on Thursday (no kids allowed - so find a sitter on almost no notice - we did); a 1:00 pm assessment on Friday that takes 15 minutes; and $75 worth of school supplies. The kids have Friday and Monday off except for their individual 15 minute window for their assessment. Picture Day is next Tuesday. The Principal sent out an email and part of it talked about getting involved with the PTA. They meet at 3:00 in the afternoon once a week. How, pray tell, is a working parent supposed to get involved when the meetings are smack in the middle of the workday. Worki...

It's generally considered a bad thing to have too many things. You should get your joy from people and the environment not from things. And in general, I agree. However, after observing both of my daughters I have come to realize that for them, things equal permanence. Segunda bounces up and down at the prospect of having something that is only hers. Of course she does. Nothing has belonged to her until she joined our family. She has one pair of shoes that I bought for her last week and she could not be happier about them. If she isn't wearing them, she is proudly carrying them around. No, I'm not depriving her. The child cannot walk and she cannot wear hard soles. So, she only needs one pair until her feet are straightened. Then we will go shopping for regular shoes. She gets happy and smiley when she is the proud owner of a new book or rubber duck, as my parents found out yesterday when they took her and Prima shopping. And I got to thinking. For Segunda, and for Prim...

Prima starts Kindergarten next month. I'm not ready. Just yesterday I accepted my beautiful stoic child outside a conference room in a hotel hallway. Just yesterday she crawled with the remote control as enticement. Just yesterday she got a black eye when she trip/stumbled/first stepped her way across the floor. Just yesterday she held up her arms and said "pickee up." Just yesterday she held tight to a worn out Elmo. Just yesterday was her first day of preschool and her tear-stained face is forever etched in my brain. Just yesterday she discovered her love of dolphins, whales and sea turtles. Just yesterday she discovered her love of cars and Lightning McQueen. Just yesterday she discovered her love of planes. Just yesterday she discovered her future profession as a helicopter pilot for paleontologists. Just yesterday she memorized Dinosaurs A to Z. I'm ready. Tomorrow she will learn to read. Tomorrow she will make new friends. Tomorrow she will str...

Segunda has been home just over 7 weeks and I am a stranger and so is she. When I tell her no and take the remote control away she looks at me very confused and with the eyes of a stranger. When I help her climb onto her walking toy, she smiles and claps and looks at me like I'm the best baby sitter in the world. Today I tried to teach her how zippers work and she just shoved it away and moved away from me as though I had no right to teach her something that is reserved for a mother. This is something, that as an adoptive parent, you expect intellectually, but when it happens, it hurts and it's frustrating. And yet as an adoptive parent, you persevere because you know that someday she will get it. Someday she will understand that you are her mama and that she isn't going back to her foster mama. And someday she won't want to go back to her foster mama. Watching Segunda watch me, I can see the wheels turning in her head wondering when she gets to go back to her mama, w...

I am the mother of two amazing girls. One is 5 years old and I'm renaming her Prima. The other is 22 months old and I'm renaming her Segunda. Prima is smart, sensitive, thoughtful, a poor listener, a professional talker; Segunda is wiley, determined, loves praise, a picky eater. Both are jealous. I see families on tv and out in public who have it together. Obviously the tv families are fake, but I want to have what they have. The moms react exactly right over spilled milk. I start yelling at Segunda to stop spitting her milk out. She likes to fill her mouth and then spit out the contents. Annoying. And gross. The moms on tv know exactly how to handle their kids jealousy or fighting. I sit on the couch while the two of them fight over my lap getting kicked, elbowed in the boob, and having my glasses knocked off my face. The moms on tv do all of these enriching activities with their children. I just find them enervating. Construction paper kites - who has time for that. O...

I've been asked the question "So, how are you doing with all of this?" when people learn about Mei Mei's Hypophosphatasia diagnosis. It is a well meaning question, and people ask it because we didn't know about before we adopted her. I imagine people would ask the same question if we birthed a child who had a birth defect or genetic issue. However, I am not the one with HPP. Mei Mei is. She is the one who has to live with it her entire life.  My struggle will be watching her struggle and that is all. She will go through surgeries, casts, braces, walkers, maybe even a special diet. This diagnosis just makes me that much more grateful to be her mother. I'm learning a ton and meeting some amazing people who have been there. I'm connecting with the Little People of America  and Soft Bones, Inc. to learn more and gain and give support. It's the most wonderful thing. So, how am I doing with all this? I'm thriving and loving my child more each day.

Social Media is often vilified. It takes you away from paying attention to your child's every need; it takes you away from paying attention to your husband's every want; etc. etc. etc. But for me, it opens the doors to a network of people I would never know otherwise. I have "mom" friends, adoptive and bio, from all over the world I would not know without social media. These friends, most of whom I have never met, provide an invaluable service. When any of us struggle with the latest behavior issue of our children, we put up a post on Facebook and get instant supportive feedback on what has worked for others. If our child is struggling with a medical issue from cancer to a hive, there we are, ready to lend a supporting hand even if it's just a comment that we are here and offering virtual support. The weight that takes off of our shoulders to have that network behind us is indescribable. If we are struggling with how to parent, there they are ready to lend a han...

Let's talk about typical behavior. Turtle is a rule-follower who likes to make sure that everybody is following the rules. If they are not, she will find the nearest adult to make certain that the recalcitrant child is brought back into line. She is eager to please. She is quick to cry. When engrossed she does not smile and will give you no indication that she likes something (unless it is just plain old silly like the "firefighters" at Lego Land) until hours later when she can't stop talking about whatever it was that enthralled her. She is afraid of almost everything: new foods, new people, new experiences, sometimes old experiences, etc. Nothing about Turtle is terribly typical. Tonight, Husband playfully asked her whose child-sized handprints those were on the family room window knowing full well they were hers. She pointed at Mei Mei. We erupted into laughter. In that moment, we were so delighted with her typical behavior. It is so rare to see something like th...

When you adopt a child internationally, your child has blood drawn and a series of tests are run on that blood. Mei Mei had 10 vials of blood taken (don't worry the appropriate calculations were done to make sure that they didn't take too much from out tiny tot). The doctor was worried about a syndrome that might have caused the club hands and club feet along with her short stature. From there we saw a cardiologist to "rule out" any heart issues associated with the syndrome the pediatrician was worried about. Heart is healthy. Nothing to worry about. Then we went for more blood and full body x-rays. Then we went to the dentist. All of this because we have learned that Mei Mei does not have the syndrome, but rather has a rare genetic bone disease called Hypophosphatasia. It's so rare that only 1 in 100,000 children are diagnosed with it. However, the belief is that there are untold numbers with the disease who go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Certainly in rural ...

If you have a five-year old, then you are familiar with conversations that go like this: 5 Year Old: Mommy, can I have a tv show before dinner? Parent: Yes. 5: I can have a tv show before dinner? P: Yes 5: Before dinner, can I have a tv show? P: Yes 5: Before dinner, I can have a tv show? P: Yes 5: Did you say I can have a tv show? P: * head explodes* How does one get one's 5 year old to listen to the answers to the question that she herself has asked? How does one keep one's head from exploding in a fiery blast of gray matter and frustration? How does one continue to answer the same damned question over and over until it finally sinks into the fast-moving brain of said 5-year old?

Turtle had a rough day. She was feeling very excluded no matter what we did to help her understand that she was a valuable member of our family. Here is how our day went: Trip to Lamar's donuts where Turtle got 2 donuts and Mei Mei had Cheerios. Trip to grocery store where Turtle rode on the back of the cart and got to put the items in the cart. Home, put groceries away, fed the girls a snack. Played on the floor a little bit. Put Mei Mei down for a nap. Turtle watched golf with her daddy and she and I read from James and the Giant Peach. Naptime over, playtime with both girls. Turtle was allowed to play with my put-together legos, specifically the VW bus. Turtle helped me cook dinner. Watched the end of the US v Portugal soccer game.  Gave both girls a bath, lotioned them both up, jammied them both up. During the soccer game, Turtle told me that she didn't feel like part of this family. She told me she felt jealous because Mei Mei gets all of the attention. I spe...

We needed a urine sample from Mei Mei. Seems easy enough. She drinks, she pees, poof - urine sample. Not so fast, Mr. Logical. No drinky = no pee-y 2 juice boxes later and the pee leaked out of the bag and into the diaper Happy day Visited the pediatrician All done drinking - nope, not gonna drink. Uh uh. Syringed the fluid into her mouth 1 teaspoon at a time until the entire juice box contents are gone. She played in the sink at the doctors office soaking herself in an effort to induce pee. 1 hour later - pee. This process took about 4 hours. Finally home, fed, and diaper very full. Take off diaper, set child on lap to run bath, and child unloads a gallon of hot pee all over my lap. Perfect end to a perfect day!

At the risk of starting an intense debate, I don't like the term "special needs." It implies that we have to do something special for a particular child. And I think that all children have unique needs that must be met. Which means that it's normal to need something special. Some kids can't wear itchy clothing, some kids can't eat wet food because of the texture, some kids have to run around a lot during the day so that when the time comes to sit still they can, some kids need surgery (or surgeries or even an organ transplant), some kids need cancer treatment, some kids need parents, but they are all children and they all have intense needs that loving parents provide. I have been thinking about this a lot because our first adoption was "non special needs" and our oldest daughter has some pretty intense needs. She has strong sense of justice, a strong sense of right and wrong, she is loyal, she is worried about a lot of things, she is very sensitiv...

We have added a spunky, funny, cantankerous little girl to our household. She is 21 months old and from Henan Province in China. Here's how the trip went - buckle up, it's a bumpy ride. You all know about Turtle's PTSD and the major emotional swings she had before the trip to China. We were ready for the worst. Turns out it wasn't Turtle we had to worry about. It was me. The three of us left for Beijing on a Wednesday in May. We arrived Thursday afternoon and settled into the hotel with several other families adopting too. Friday was our tour of Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City. It was hot and smoggy. Turtle needed to be carried much of the day. I wasn't feeling well and wasn't dealing with the 14 hour time change very well. My exhaustion must have been apparent because one of the other adopting dads offered to carry her for me and another adopting dad offered up his stroller for the next day's trek to The Great Wall. My husband is not a slouch; T...

I'm not sure why it took until now to figure out how many mothers there are in my life whom I owe a debt of gratitude. To my mom: Happy Mother's Day! Our journey has been one of ups and downs as all mother-daughter relationships are, but as an adult I think we have found our groove. Turtle talks about her Lau Lau all the time and wishes she saw you more often. I'm sure we can squeeze in some extra visits this summer. With 5 kids and 10 grandkids, I hope you know how much you are loved. You may not live close, but you are always close in my heart. To my grandmothers: I am lucky enough to have had four of them. My Mom's mom is still with us and I'm so grateful. I have treasured memories of taking a bucket and spoon to the dirt pile in the back by the wood pile and playing for hours, of handing her clothespins as she hung laundry outside, of snuggling into her soft, worn cotton nightie as she sat at the kitchen table, of her phenomenal whistle. My Dad's mom pas...

The woman's eyes are overbright The mother's smile is slightly wobbly (if you pay close enough attention) The woman refreshes email every 5 minutes The mother watches TAs pour in for other families The woman knows there is a holiday in China in 2 days The mother might have to go the weekend without TA The mother's first born has a cold The thermometer has gone missing She stayed home from school Almost out of Sudafed Had to go to work Her daddy is taking care of her Can't say yes to any future plans Doesn't know when the trip is Still so much to do Baby's room to organize Shopping to be done Doctor's appointments to be made Baby proofing to do Packing to be done Travel arrangements to make ... if only Must monitor first child for any signs of a meltdown They happen in seconds Anything can set her off Can we deviate from any routine? Right now? Too tenuous for everyone The baby's eyes are cheerful as she watches her caregiver...

In TBRI training on Tuesday night, towards the end we were discussing the benefits of having dogs and how they are great for veterans with PTSD and the facilitator said that our kids have PTSD. And why wouldn't they? They were abandoned on the street (literally) to be found by someone who turned them over to police who turned them over to an orphanage (and in some cases they were turned over to foster care) and then ultimately turned over to us - their forever family. That is pretty god damned traumatic. That really stuck with me. Tonight, Turtle had a meltdown (she hasn't had one in 2 or 3 weeks but she was exhausted and that was likely the trigger). I had to take a minute or two to gather myself before I could engage. I knew if I didn't get myself in the right place, we weren't going to make any progress. Towards the end of the meltdown, she kept telling me over and over again that I ruined her day (I wouldn't walk upstairs with her to get my phone so she could ...

We are in the final stretch of waiting for Mei Mei. Although I think it's easier than it was waiting for I800 approval, the pdf, and Article 5. We are waiting on TA or Travel Approval if you are not in the international adoption community. We think we are 3 - 5 weeks away from travel, but still don't know dates. Makes planning very difficult. I've been spending my weekdays training a bunch of people to cover my position while I'm out this summer and just trying to prepare people as best I can. I spend my non-work hours doing things that don't really relate to travel. We have taken a more in depth TBRI training course that ends next week. Talk about improvement - wow! It's been  terrific to learn these techniques for Turtle. And it's made an immediate impact and we expect more to come as we continue to be consistent with it. But back to waiting... I am most assuredly not a procrastinator, but I have been having trouble getting motivated to start setting thi...

It's been awhile since my last post. We have been making some real progress with our nervous, anxious little girl. As you know, her meltdowns ratcheted up and were occurring more and more often in public. She was becoming tearful over everything. She was becoming defiant and commanding. We think all of this was triggered by age (turning 5 is a developmental thing in the brain) and the impending little sister. It was exhausting. So, we reached out to CCAI (have I mentioned how amazing they are?) for help. We are taking an evening class in parent training and Turtle gets her own class at the same time that teaches her how to control her own anxieties. She LOVES it. She gets to jump off of high places into bean bag chairs, play on the sit 'n spin, chew bubble gum, listen to calming cds and use weighted blankets. We get to understand how we can help Turtle feel secure, feel in control and calm her anxieties. We use breathing techniques, some quasi-meditation techniques, scrip...